Peter: I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!
[Quagmire whispers in his ear]
Peter: Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well I don't know.

Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
Peter: Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked buncha bitches!

Judge: We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.
Peter: I switched seats.

Peter: Enough! ...was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live to expectations.

Joyce: Our top story. Guys, right?

Quagmire: It's his fault we're still here. How is it that you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman.
[Cut to a mailman delivering mail at the Griffin residence, Brian runs out barking and the mailman runs away]
Brian: You motherfucker! Get outta here, I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow, same time, I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Now you're all gonna have to witness me taking an old man pill that looks way too big to swallow.
[Carter chokes down a large pill and finally swallows it with a sip of water]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, there we go.

Quagmire: And now to take my position. This is what I call the butterpat.

Stewie: There's a maniac out there! He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes and slitting their throats!
[The lights suddenly go out]
Stewie: And we're dead.

Quagmire: This is ridiculous! Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing!
Brian: Well, I have questions about her testimony. She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party! How could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was of a hundred feet from the window!
Quagmire: Okay, first of all, the term 'orgy' is outdated. We call them 'genital jamborees'.
Brian: But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime!
Quagmire: Trust me, you're banging eight strangers who responded to a flyer. At some point, you're gonna look out a window and question every decision you've ever made.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Mayor West has let people down!
Peter: Guys, I feel like all we talk about is Mayor West.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// 12 and a Half Angry Men's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes