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Peter: Have a Mice-Day! Best fishes!

Brian: Stewie! I need your urine.
Stewie: [Excitedly] Really?

[Peter, while shaving James splatters blood all over the house upon shaving; James meows in pain]
Cleveland: Oh my God!!
Brian: Peter you killed it!
Peter: Relax guys...it still has 8 lives. [Shaves again, splattering more blood] Okay now seven more lives...[Splatters blood again shaving] Six...[Splatters blood again] Five...[Splatters blood again] Four...three...
Joe: [annoyed] Peter stop doing what you're doing.

Peter: C'mon guys were going to Quagmire's.
Joe: Hang on I got to go to the bathroom first. [pauses] OK lets go.

Quagmire: [in a high pitched voice] Who is it?
Cleveland: It's me. Quagmire, I need to borrow your lawnmower.
Quagmire: [in a high pitched voice] Oh Quagmire's not here. It's just me, James. I'm supposed to watch the house.
Cleveland:C'mon, Quagmire. It's 97 degrees out here, we're two grown men.
Quagmire: [in a high pitched voice] Are you selling yarn? 'Cause I love yarn.
Cleveland:No. I need to borrow your lawnmower.
Quagmire: [in a high pitched voice] Oh I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that.
Cleveland: Oh c'mon.
Quagmire: [in a high pitched voice] I don't think Quagmire liked the condition you returned it in last time.
Cleveland: Glen can I just...
Quagmire: [in normal voice] No! You can't have it!

Diane Simmons: Here's Ollie Williams with the blaccu-weather forecast.
Tom Tucker: Hows the weather look, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Not too bad.
Tom Tucker: Right on.

[Brian and Peter are pulled over by policemen, the body of Quagmire's cat in the backseat. Peter is drunk and covered in blood stains. Two policemen exit the car and situate themselves on either side of Peter's car]
Policeman #1: What do we got, partner?
Policeman #2: Empty alcohol containers, the driver's inebriated and covered in blood, he's got scratches on his face and arms, there's a blood-soaked corpse in the backseat, got shovels in there, and a hand-drawn map titled "This is where we'll hide the body."
Policeman #1: Well, that all seems fine. Sorry to bother you sir.
[A small bag of weed falls from Brian's collar onto his lap]
Policeman #2: Pot! [Withdrawing gun and aiming it at Brian] Small amount of pot!

[Brian is sitting in a jail cell when Joe comes and releases him]
Joe: All right Brian, your family's here to bail you out.
[He opens the door and he walks out as the family enter to talk to him]
Peter: Brian, if you don't mind we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey Brian, did you do hard time, or hardly workin'? [Frowns, and pauses]...penis...alright well all the pieces are there...somebody make somethin' outta that.

Peter: That's a great idea, let's do it! Let's shave the cat! Oh boy I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie.
[Cut to a movie theater]
Voice in the movie: I'm telling you, these drug dealers represent a Clear and Present Danger to the United States!
Peter: [Excitedly] Ah! Ah! He said it! He said it!
[Cut to another instance of Peter watching a film]
Voice in the movie: All I'm saying is, what if this is As Good as it Gets?
Peter: [Excitedly] Ah! Ah! There it is! There it is!
[Cut to another instance of Peter watching a film]
Voice in the movie: The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
Peter: Oh that's why they call it that.

[Brian is busted by the police for having pot]
Policeman: I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a Family Guy!
Peter: Ah-ah! Ah! He said it!

Carter: You're asking for a spanking, young lady.
Peter: Yeah!
Quagmire: [offscreen] Alright!

Peter: Brian, if you don't mind, we'll be thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do "hard times" or "hardly workin'"?


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