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< Airport '07

Peter: Hey Meg, come here, have a seat.
[Meg sits down and Peter yawns and puts his arm around her. Her eyes widen in surprise, she looks down, and then over to him]
Meg: Dad, what are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're forty.
[Meg jumps off the couch and runs off screaming]
Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Redneck Comedy Tour, featuring Stink Fleaman.
Stink Fleaman: You know you're a redneck, if you come from a rural area and behave as such.
Announcer: Mike Drunkbeater.
Mike Drunkbeater: Oh, that dog o'mine!
Announcer: Walt "Coffee & Pie" Abernathy.
Walt Abernathy: Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Announcer: And Larry, The Guy Who Works For The Department of Water and Power.
Larry: You tell me how that got in there! Wooo!
Peter: Heheh, he's right! Who knows how that got in there?

Brian: Peter, can we please go now? This is excruciating.
Peter: Are you kidding, Brian? These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me. This is the greatest show I've seen in years! Not like the last I was at a comedy club.
[Peter and Cleveland are at another comedy club]
Peter: I hear this guy's hilarious. He played Kramer, you know.
Cleveland: Oh, this is gonna be fun!

TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos. Edited for rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-
[The audio is edited, playing a redneck's voice. Carl Sagan's mouth continues to move]
Redneck: Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Carl Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-
Redneck: God...[The voice extends the word God for a few seconds]
Carl Sagan: -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-
Redneck: Jesus
Carl Sagan: -asaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-
Redneck: Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
Brian: Peter, do we have to watch this?
Peter: This is what rednecks watch, Brian.

Quagmire: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Glenn Quagmire, uh... We're looking at about a 4 and a half-hour flight time today, uh... We got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees, uh... The flight's gonna be a little longer than expected. We've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take-off.

Chris: Aagghh!! Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my treehouse!
Lois: Yes, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen, which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Homo: I'll have you know I was invited here.

[Quagmire and Chris are sitting on the couch. Chris is messing with a calculator]
Quagmire: Okay, now add 20.
Chris: Okay.
Quagmire: Now, multiply it by 4.
Chris: Okay.
Quagmire: And what do you got?
Chris: 8008.
Quagmire: And what does "8008" look like on a calculator?
Chris: ...Oh, boob!
Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! All right, all right, all right, boob!
Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put them next to each other?
Quagmire: [gasps] Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes!

Tom Tucker: Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently-discharged pilot, Captain Glenn Quagmire, is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
Tom Tucker: Oops. Well, thanks, Ollie.

[phone rings Lois picks it up]
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number. There's no one here by the name of Longrod Van Hughendong.
Quagmire: [gets up] Oh eh eh eh...

Peter: Oh no she didn't!
Joe: Oh, yes she did!
Peter: No she didn't!
Joe: Yes she did!
Peter: No she didn't!
Joe: Yes she did, Peter! I just saw it!
Peter: Alright, take it easy!

Quagmire: We know your choice in airport sex, and we thank you for choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents in your vagina may have shifted during coitus.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Airport '07's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes


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