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All Cartoons are F**kin' Dicks

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All Cartoons are F**kin' Dicks
Family Guy - Live In Las Vegas
From the episode: Family Guy: Live in Vegas
Singers: Peter, Brian, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Meg, and Jason Alexander
Voices: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Chris Griffin, Mila Kunis, and Jason Alexander

"All Cartoons are F**kin' Dicks" was a song that appeared as track 6 from Family Guy: Live in Vegas.

It was performed by Peter, Brian, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Meg Griffin, and Jason Alexander.

On the edited CD, the lines with the words "fucking" were rerecorded as "frigging," and "the little shits deserve it," was rerecorded as "the bastards all deserve it."

Before Meg sings her solo, Alexander enters and sings his verse instead.

The melody of the song was reused twice. Once as "Valentine's in Hollywood" when Seth MacFarlane appeared on Talkshow with Spike Feresten, and again as a different song for Family Guy Presents: Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show.


Lyrics

Warning: Very explicit lyrics!


Peter: ♪ On Monday I had drinks with Barney Rubble. ♪

♪ We hit a couple divey little bars. ♪
♪ We noticed there was quite a lovely lady ♪
♪ Sitting at the table next to ours. ♪


♪ Now Barney who was pretty friggin’ wasted ♪
♪ Got up and stumbled over with a groan. ♪
♪ He said, “Hey just between us, ♪
♪ My Neanderthalic penis ♪
♪ Is as massive as a Stegosaurus bone!” ♪


♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪


Meg: Did Barney really say that?

Peter: Oh, yeah, he is a bastard.

Lois: Wow.

Peter: And he, and he really does not give a damn about the feelings of women. And, uh, it’s sad. It’s really sad.


Brian: Well, you think that’s bad, listen to this:

♪ One day I met an ape of great charisma. ♪
♪ Magilla the Gorilla was his name. ♪
♪ He wore a little hat and matching bowtie, ♪
♪ A fashion which has brought him great acclaim. ♪


♪ I said, “What do you see as your career peak, ♪
♪ Of all your many flashy escapades?” ♪
♪ He said, “Well this is funky, ♪
♪ But you’re lookin' at the monkey ♪
♪ Who’s responsible for bringing you the AIDS!” ♪


♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪


Peter: So he’s the culprit.

Stewie: I say, that is just awful.


Lois: Ok, ok, listen to this little gem:

♪ I had a conversation at a party ♪
♪ With famous rabbit hunter Elmer Fudd. ♪
♪ He told me I just had to see his rifle ♪
♪ And dropped it on the table with a thud. ♪


♪ I said to him, “It’s quite a lovely firearm.”
♪ He told me his fiancée likes it too. ♪
♪ He said, “This may be corny, ♪
♪ But it really gets me horny ♪
♪ When I press it to her temple while we screw!” ♪


♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪


Peter: Oh, god, that is one sick bastard.

Stewie: Ooh, you’re not kidding.

Brian: Yeah, that, uh, that kind of stuff is against the law too, I think.


Chris: Well, I got one that’s even worse than that:

♪ On Friday night I went to get some candy, ♪
♪ Some soda and some chips and other stuff. ♪
♪ Along the way I passed a little alley. ♪
♪ And there I saw that canine cop McGruff. ♪


♪ I said to him, “Hey you’re that famous crime dog!” ♪
♪ He said, “I only work from nine to five. ♪
♪ And now it’s close to tennish ♪
♪ And I’ve got a job to finish, ♪
♪ Cause as you can see, this hooker’s still alive!” ♪


♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪


Meg: That’s awful!

Stewie: Ugh, imagine McGruff beating up hookers.

Peter: He is a dick, he is a dick.


Stewie: Yes, yes, he’s a nasty cartoon, but I can top that. Listen to this:

♪ One day as I was strolling through the forest ♪
♪ I happened on some mushroom covered turf. ♪
♪ And there from underneath a patch of fungus ♪
♪ Emerged the one and only Papa Smurf. ♪


♪ He said, “This is our secret mushroom village.” ♪
♪ I said, “Then I’m the first to see these views?” ♪
♪ He said, “I’m only kiddin’ ♪
♪ Cause we only keep it hidden ♪
♪ From the Asians, Arabs, faggots, blacks, and Jews!” ♪


♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪


Lois: That Papa Smurf sounds like a monster.

Stewie: Oh, he is a dirty, nasty racist, and a bigot, and a homophobe, and you know what I did when I got home?

Brian: What?

Stewie: I called up Gargamel, and I told him where the village is. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Peter: Haha, Sweet!

Meg: Can I go next?

Lois: Of course, sweetie.

Meg: ♪ One day I met a—♪

Peter: Holy crap, look who’s here, it’s Jason Alexander!

Jason: Hey, cartoon haters.

Meg: But, but I was supposed to go next!

Lois: Quiet, honey, Mr. Alexander wants to talk.

Jason: I couldn’t help overhearing what you were talking about, and I agree. Cartoons are real fuckin’ assholes.

Brian: Yeah, that’s, uh, sorta what we’ve been trying to communicate.

Jason: Well, get a load of this.

Peter: Hahaha, he said “load.”

Lois: Haha, hahaha, I know, I heard.


Jason: ♪ I once met Scooby Doo at a premiere bash. ♪

♪ He looked a little haggard and he stunk. ♪
♪ He said, “The trouble started last December, ♪
♪ When Daphne made a pass while she was drunk.” ♪


♪ And now he’s got a child out of wedlock. ♪
♪ It’s dealing his career a fatal blow. ♪
♪ I asked him, “Where’s the baby?” ♪
♪ He said, “Jason, buddy, maybe ♪
♪ Now you see why fuckin’ Scrappy’s gotta go!” ♪


♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪


Peter: Wow, Scrappy is the bastard child of Scooby and Daphne.

Jason: Shocking, isn’t it?

Peter: Yeah. Hey, you douche bags wanna wrap this up?

Chorus: ♪ So let us leave you now with one suggestion: ♪

♪ A bit of wisdom you can take for free. ♪
♪ The Mickeys and the Goofys and the Daffys ♪
♪ Are not the gentle souls they seem to be. ♪


♪ So any time Sylvester catches Tweety ♪
♪ Or Tom has got poor Jerry in a fix (he’s in a fix) ♪
♪ Sit back and just observe it, ♪
♪ Cause the little shits deserve it, ♪
♪ For all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks! ♪


Stewie: So, when do we get to the off-color part of the album?

Brian: Actually, if I can soften the mood a bit, I’d like to share a memory with you. When we were filming “Road to Europe,” I got a chance to see the lovely city of Paris.

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