Baby Not On Board/Quotes

Peter: "You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. Oh, I can be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. But you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like- I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me, 'cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."

Chris: [Laughs] Movie references.

[Griffin family in the living room, sans Stewie, talking about Peter's free gas card]

Lois Griffin: Wow, Peter a free gas card! This could save us a lotta money!

Peter Griffin: Yeah, everyone except Brian cause he bought a Prius! What a dumbass!

[Everyone but Brian laughs. Stewie runs in amidst the laughter]

Stewie Griffin: What- what- what'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? [Pointing at Brian] Ahhh, Brian you suck!

[Stewie, angered over Peter replacing his apple juice with gasoline]

Stewie Griffin: You damned fool! You're more useless than Aquaman!

[Cut to a beach, where a crying woman desperately running, trips over, and a rapist tackles and pins her to the ground]

Desperate Woman: Help! Somebody help, rape!

Rapist: Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here.

[Aquaman pops up from the ocean in the background, his voice sounding distant]

Aquaman: I can!

Desperate Woman: Aquaman, help!

Aquaman: Hey!...Hey!-hey let her go!

Rapist: Or what??

Aquaman: Or...or..I don't know man, but you're...you're lucky you're not doing that over here! In the ocean! Or else, or-I would stop you!

Desperate Woman: For Godsakes help! Do something!

[Aquaman picks up a starfish and throws it towards them. It lands harmlessly next to them]

Aquaman: Aw if you don't like starfish you're gonna be mad about what I just did!

Desperate Woman: Oh God he-he-help!

Aquaman: Aw you're in for it now buddy- I got like five fish coming to help!

[Several fish playfully jump in and out of the water around him]

Aquaman: Oh! Oh! Here they are!

Desperate Woman: Help, hes hurting me!

Aquaman: Well, maybe you shouldn'ta led him on.

[Griffin house, the Griffin family talking about taking a vacation]

Meg Griffin: Yeah- that's a great idea mom! Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost.

Stewie Griffin: No, I don't wanna listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.

[Cut to the island from Lost where characters Jack Shepard and Kate Austen are standing, Kate holding a brown paper bag]

Jack Shepard: [Hyperventilating, which is constantly interrupting his talking] Kate...you don't get it...we are the island! Hand me that paper bag!

[Kate hands him the bag, which Jack uses to breathe in]

Kate Austen: Jack, thats got my poop in it.

Jack Shepard: [Still hyperventilating, the bag inflating and deflating as he breathes] I know...I know...its got a hint of coconut in it...and something else...but that's part of the mystery.

[Stewie, realising he is alone, walks into Chris' room to explore]

Stewie Griffin: Well, lets see what fascinating, pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. [Looks under the bed and pulls out a pornographic magazine] Ooh! Hustler Magazine. [Opens magazine] I finally get to see what a vagina looks-- [Screaming in terror and falling to his feet, he drops the magazine and runs off-screen, then runs back in carrying a submachine gun, where he continuously shoots the magazine until it is in tattered remains, wherein he drops the gun, hands shaking and breathing heavily] You...can't hurt...anyone...anymore!

Peter: Hey, whattya say we sing a driving song? (Starts singing)♪ Some say love it is a river ♪ ♪ that drowns the tender reed ♪ ♪ Some say love it is a razor ♪ ♪ that leaves your soul to bleed ♪

Everyone: ♪ When the night has been too lonely ♪ ♪ and the road has been too long ♪ ♪ and you think that love is only ♪ ♪ for the lucky and the strong ♪

Peter: ♪ Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows ♪ ♪ lies the seed ♪ ♪ that with the sun's love ♪ ♪ in the spring ♪ ♪ becomes the rose ♪ (Starts speaking) Ok, that was good! That was good. Um, Chris I think you were a little early on the start of bar 4. Um, I dunno, how'd that sound from your end?

Record Artist: (Sitting at a soundboard on the Griffin Car's hood) Sounded great out here, do you want another?

Peter: No, if that works for you, we're fine.

Record Artist: All good on my end.

Peter: All right, that's a take!

Peter: Ground zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.

Brian: No, Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks!

Peter: Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?

Brian: No.

Peter: The Iraqi army?

Brian: No.

Peter: Some guys from Iraq?

Brian: No.

Peter: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?

Brian: NO! Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanies.

Peter: So...you're saying we need to invade Iran?

[McBurgertown, Stewie is at the register, in uniform, addressing a customer]

Stewie Griffin: [Annoyed] Welcome to McBurgertown, can I take your order?

[The McBurgertown boss walks in carrying a mop and a wheelie bucket]

McBurgertown Boss: Stewie, you've gotta clean the bathroom.

Stewie Griffin: [Angrily] No, no! I'm not going back in there!

McBurgertown Boss: [Sternly] Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice, you've gotta go clean that up.

Stewie Griffin: [Aggravated] No, no!! It was literally, only on the floor! Alright- there was no attempt to get near the toilet! I-i-its like they just, pressed their buttocks against the wall! The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it!

McBurgertown Boss: [Furiously, holding out the mop] Go!!

Stewie: We're doomed you know. Let it be written on my tombstone that my life was considerably better with my family around...and I didn't realize it until it was too late.

[Stewie hears a car pull up, and goes to the window. He sees Lois, Peter, Chris, Meg and Brian get off. He names them in that order]

Stewie: Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home!

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