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Baby Not On Board/Quotes

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< Baby Not On Board

Peter: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. Oh, I can be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. But you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like- I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me, 'cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris: [laughs] Movie references.

[Griffin family in the living room, sans Stewie, talking about Peter's free gas card]
Lois: Wow, Peter, a free gas card! This could save us a lot of money.
Peter: Yeah, everyone except Brian, cause he bought a Prius. What a dumb ass! [Everyone but Brian laughs. Stewie runs in amidst the laughter]
Stewie: What...what...what'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? [pointing at Brian] Hah, Brian, you suck!

[Stewie, angered over Peter replacing his apple juice with gasoline]
Stewie: You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman!
[Cut to a beach, where a crying woman desperately running, trips over, and a rapist tackles and pins her to the ground]
Desperate Woman: Help! Somebody help, rape!
Rapist: Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here.
[Aquaman pops up from the ocean in the background, his voice sounding distant]
Aquaman: I can!
Desperate Woman: Aquaman, help!
Aquaman: Hey!...Hey-hey! Let her go!
Rapist: Or what??
Aquaman: Or...or..I don't know man, but you're...you're lucky you're not doing that over here! In the ocean! Or else, or-I would stop you!
Desperate Woman: For Godsakes help! Do something! [Aquaman picks up a starfish and throws it towards them. It lands harmlessly next to them]
Aquaman: Aw, if you don't like starfish you're gonna be mad about what I just did!
Desperate Woman: Oh God he...he...help!
Aquaman: Aw you're in for it now buddy, I got like five fish coming to help! [several fish jump in and out of the water around him] Oh! Oh! Here they are!
Desperate Woman: Help, he's hurting me!
Aquaman: Well, maybe you shouldn't have led him on.

[Lois opens the door and looks up]
Lois: Peter, what the hell is that?
[Camera zooms out to reveal Peter in a space shuttle]
Peter: It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space.
Lois: Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridicules vehicle you inexplicably acquired?
Peter: I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were going to scrap it due to some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation.
Lois: I do not want you to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut.
Peter: Relax, Lois, nothing bad happens to space shuttles. Now stand back!
[The space shuttle lifts off and returns 3 days later]
Peter: I'm back from space, everybody.
Lois: You got lucky, Peter.
Chris: How was it, dad?
Peter: Oh, mind boggling, Chris. Barreling around Earth at 5 miles per second. Seeing the sun rise over the sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had a lot of time to masturbate, which in space is great. Except after a while, it is like living in a snow globe.

[Griffin house, the Griffin family talking about taking a vacation]
Meg: Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom! Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost.
Stewie: No, I don't wanna listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.
[Cutaway to the island from "Lost" where characters Jack Shepard and Kate Austen are standing, Kate holding a brown paper bag]
Jack: [hyperventilating, which is constantly interrupting his talking] Kate...you don't get it...we are the island! Hand me that paper bag. [Kate hands him the bag, which Jack uses to breathe in]
Kate: Jack, that's got my poop in it.
Jack: [still hyperventilating, the bag inflating and deflating as he breathes] I know...I know...its got a hint of coconut in it...and something else...but that's part of the mystery.

[Peter plays Reveille on a bugle]
Peter: Everybody, get up! We're going on vacation! Car leaves at 6 am sharp! [plays Reveille while Meg and Brian run down stairs covering their ears. He blows the bugle into Chris' ears]
Chris: OW, FUCK!! YOU BLOW THAT FUCKING HORN AGAIN, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL RAM THAT FUCKING THING UP YOUR GODDAMN ASS!

Peter: Okay everybody, off we go. We are gonna have such a great time. [his cell phone rings, he picks it up] Hello?
Quagmire: [on phone] Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter: Oh hey Quagmire, just taking the family on vacation.
Quagmire: Oh that's good. Oh hang on a sec, I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on stupid, move it! [honks his horn]
Peter: Hang on Quagmire, some jerk behind me is honking his horn. :[Quagmire's car is behind the Griffins' car]
Quagmire: Oh you should totally flip him off. [Peter flips him off] Oh hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey I'm furious, you jerk! [honks his horn again]
Peter: Hang on Quagmire, I gotta this guy's ass.
Quagmire: Yeah I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Peter: Hey I'll call you back after the fight.
Quagmire: Yeah me too.
Peter: Good luck in yours.
Quagmire: Good luck in yours.

[Stewie, realizing he is alone, walks into Chris' room to explore]
Stewie: Well, lets see what fascinating, pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. [looks under the bed and pulls out a pornographic magazine] Ooh! Hustler Magazine. [opens magazine] I finally get to see what a vagina looks...Agh! Agh! Oh God! Oh my God! Agghh! Agh-ha! [drops the magazine and runs off-screen, then runs back in carrying a sub machine gun, where he continuously shoots the magazine until it is in tattered remains] You...can't hurt...anyone...anymore.

Peter: Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Brian: No, Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks!
Peter: Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian: No.
Peter: The Iraqi army?
Brian: No.
Peter: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian: No.
Peter: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian: No, Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter: So...you're saying we need to invade Iran?

[McBurgertown, Stewie is at the register, in uniform, addressing a customer]
Stewie: [annoyed] Welcome to McBurgertown, can I take your order?
[The McBurgertown boss walks in carrying a mop and a wheelie bucket]
McBurgertown Boss: Stewie, you've gotta clean the bathroom.
Stewie: [angrily] No, no! I'm not going back in there!
McBurgertown Boss: [stern] Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice, you've gotta go clean that up.
Stewie: [aggravated] No, no! It was literally, only on the floor! Alright...there was no attempt to get near the toilet! I...i...its like they just, pressed their buttocks against the wall! The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it!
McBurgertown Boss: Go!

McBurgertown Boss: Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second?
Stewie: Oh, yeah what's up Eric, is everything okay?
Eric: Yeah, just come into my office.
[Stewie goes with Eric, cut to his office]
Eric: Stewie, Shiwanda said she saw you sneaking food.
Stewie: Whaaaaaat..?
Eric: She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich.
Stewie: Oh come on, dude! Well, eh, Yes. Okay, but... but... the thing was five minutes past the thrill-out time.
Eric: Well, be that as it may, Shiwanda took these pictures on her cellphone. [Eric gets out Shiwanda's cellphone, showing each picture of Stewie eating food on the job] You're fired.

Joe: THIS IS MY WHEELCHAIR! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! WITHOUT ME, MY WHEELCHAIR IS USELESS! WITHOUT MY WHEELCHAIR, I AM USELESS! [phone rings] SHUT UP!
Phone: Okay...

Stewie: We're doomed, you know. Let it be written on my tombstone that my life was considerably better with my family around...and I didn't realize it until it was too late. [Stewie hears a car pull up, and goes to the window. He sees Lois, Peter, Chris, Meg and Brian get off. He names them in that order] Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home!

Stewie: Oh by the way I disabled the V-chip and watched soo much pooorn.

Cleveland/Quagmire: [reciting what is being said on the TV] And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the on-screen help menu. Or, 24-hour online assistance is available at www dot DirecTV dot com, forward slash help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. [silence for two seconds] Welcome to the DirecTV help channel. Your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.
Cleveland: Did I tell you I'm getting a spinoff?
[uncensored cut]
Cleveland/Quagmire: Welcome to the DirecTV help channel. Your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.
Quagmire: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK!

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