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Baby Not On Board/Quotes

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< Baby Not On Board

Peter: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. Oh, I can be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. But you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like- I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me, 'cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris: [laughs] Movie references.

[Griffin family in the living room, sans Stewie, talking about Peter's free gas card]
Lois: Wow, Peter, a free gas card! This could save us a lot of money.
Peter: Yeah, everyone except Brian, cause he bought a Prius. What a dumb ass! [Everyone but Brian laughs. Stewie runs in amidst the laughter]
Stewie: What-what-what'd I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? [pointing at Brian] Hah, Brian, you suck!

[Stewie, angered over Peter replacing his apple juice with gasoline]
Stewie: You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman!
[Cut to a beach, where a crying woman desperately running, trips over, and a rapist tackles and pins her to the ground]
Desperate Woman: Help! Somebody help, rape!
Rapist: Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here.
[Aquaman pops up from the ocean in the background, his voice sounding distant]
Aquaman: I can!
Desperate Woman: Aquaman, help!
Aquaman: Hey!...Hey-hey! Let her go!
Rapist: Or what??
Aquaman: Or...or..I don't know man, but you're...you're lucky you're not doing that over here! In the ocean! Or else, or-I would stop you!
Desperate Woman: For Godsakes help! Do something! [Aquaman picks up a starfish and throws it towards them. It lands harmlessly next to them]
Aquaman: Aw, if you don't like starfish you're gonna be mad about what I just did!
Desperate Woman: Oh God he-he-help!
Aquaman: Aw you're in for it now buddy, I got like five fish coming to help! [several fish playfully jump in and out of the water around him] Oh! Oh! Here they are!
Desperate Woman: Help, he's hurting me!
Aquaman: Well, maybe you shouldn't have led him on.

[Lois opens the door and looks up]
Lois: Peter, what the hell is that?
[Camera zooms out to reveal Peter in a space shuttle]
Peter: It's a space shuttle, Lois. I figured with unlimited free gas, I can finally afford to go into space.
Lois: Why is it every time I open this door, you seem to be in some ridicules vehicle you inexplicably acquired?
Peter: I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing. They were going to scrap it due to some minor mechanical problems or something. Instead, they sold it to me. Very simple explanation.
Lois: I do not want you to fly that thing. You're not even a trained astronaut.
Peter: Relax, Lois, nothing bad happens to space shuttles. Now stand back!
[The space shuttle lifts off and returns 3 days later]
Peter: I'm back from space, everybody.
Lois: You got lucky, Peter.
Chris: How was it, dad?
Peter: Oh, mind boggling, Chris. Barreling around Earth at 5 miles per second. Seeing the sun rise over the sea of Japan. It's indescribable. Plus, I had a lot of time to masturbate, which in space is great. Except after a while, it is like living in a snow globe.

[Griffin house, the Griffin family talking about taking a vacation]
Meg: Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom! Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost.
Stewie: No, I don't wanna listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.
[Cutaway to the island from Lost where characters Jack Shepard and Kate Austen are standing, Kate holding a brown paper bag]
Jack: [hyperventilating, which is constantly interrupting his talking] Kate...you don't get it...we are the island! Hand me that paper bag. [Kate hands him the bag, which Jack uses to breathe in]
Kate: Jack, that's got my poop in it.
Jack: [still hyperventilating, the bag inflating and deflating as he breathes] I know...I know...its got a hint of coconut in it...and something else...but that's part of the mystery.

[Peter plays Reveille on a bugle.]
Peter: Everybody, get up! We're going on vacation! Car leaves at 6 am sharp! [plays Reveille while Meg and Brian run down stairs covering their ears. He finally blows the bugle into Chris' ears]
Chris: OW, FUCK!! YOU BLOW THAT FUCKING HORN AGAIN, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL RAM THAT FUCKING THING UP YOUR GODDAMN ASS!

Peter: Okay everybody, off we go. We are gonna have such a great time. [his cell phone rings, he picks it up] Hello?
Quagmire: [on phone] Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter: Oh hey Quagmire, just taking the family on vacation.
Quagmire: Oh that's good. Oh hang on a sec, I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow. Come on stupid, move it! [honks his horn]
Peter: Hang on Quagmire, some jerk behind me is honking his horn. :[Quagmire's car is behind the Griffins' car]
Quagmire: Oh you should totally flip him off. [Peter flips him off] Oh hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off. Hey I'm furious, you jerk! [honks his horn again]
Peter: Hang on Quagmire, I gotta this guy's ass.
Quagmire: Yeah I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Peter: Hey I'll call you back after the fight.
Quagmire: Yeah me too.
Peter: Good luck in yours.
Quagmire: Good luck in yours.

[Stewie, realizing he is alone, walks into Chris' room to explore]
Stewie: Well, lets see what fascinating, pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away. [looks under the bed and pulls out a pornographic magazine] Ooh! Hustler Magazine. [opens magazine] I finally get to see what a vagina looks...Agh! Agh! Oh God! Oh my God! Agghh! Agh-ha! [drops the magazine and runs off-screen, then runs back in carrying a sub machine gun, where he continuously shoots the magazine until it is in tattered remains] You...can't hurt...anyone...anymore.

Peter: Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Brian: No, Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks!
Peter: Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian: No.
Peter: The Iraqi army?
Brian: No.
Peter: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian: No.
Peter: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian: No, Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter: So...you're saying we need to invade Iran?

[McBurgertown, Stewie is at the register, in uniform, addressing a customer]
Stewie: [annoyed] Welcome to McBurgertown, can I take your order?
[The McBurgertown boss walks in carrying a mop and a wheelie bucket]
McBurgertown Boss: Stewie, you've gotta clean the bathroom.
Stewie: [angrily] No, no! I'm not going back in there!
McBurgertown Boss: [stern] Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice, you've gotta go clean that up.
Stewie: [aggravated] No, no! It was literally, only on the floor! Alright-there was no attempt to get near the toilet! I-i-its like they just, pressed their buttocks against the wall! The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it!
McBurgertown Boss: Go!

McBurgertown Boss: Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second?
Stewie: Oh, yeah what's up Eric, is everything okay?
Eric: Yeah, just come into my office.
[Stewie goes with Eric, cut to his office]
Eric: Stewie, Shiwanda said she saw you sneaking food.
Stewie: Whaaaaaat..?
Eric: She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich.
Stewie: Oh come on, dude! Well, eh, Yes. Okay, but... but... the thing was five minutes past the thrill-out time.
Eric: Well, be that as it may, Shiwanda took these pictures on her cellphone. [Eric gets out Shiwanda's cellphone, showing each picture of Stewie eating food on the job] You're fired.

Stewie: We're doomed, you know. Let it be written on my tombstone that my life was considerably better with my family around...and I didn't realize it until it was too late. [Stewie hears a car pull up, and goes to the window. He sees Lois, Peter, Chris, Meg and Brian get off. He names them in that order] Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog! Brian! They're home!

Stewie: Oh by the way I disabled the V-chip and watched soo much pooorn.

Cleveland/Quagmire: [reciting what is being said on the TV] And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember, for answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the on-screen help menu. Or, 24-hour online assistance is available at www dot DirecTV dot com, forward slash help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. [silence for two seconds] Welcome to the DirecTV help channel. Your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.
Cleveland: Did I tell you I'm getting a spinoff?
[DVD cut]
Cleveland/Quagmire: Welcome to the DirecTV help channel. Your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.
Quagmire: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK!

Joe: THIS IS MY WHEELCHAIR! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! WITHOUT ME, MY WHEELCHAIR IS USELESS! WITHOUT MY WHEELCHAIR, I AM USELESS! [phone rings] SHUT UP!
Phone: Okay...

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