Brian: [standing outside the pilot house] That's odd, that's our house but somehow it looks a little different.
Pilot Meg: [from inside the pilot house] Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Pilot Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Stewie: Oh my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.
Brian: That's nothing, look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.

Pilot Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen.
Pilot Stewie: But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!
Brian: Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you?
Stewie: Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.

Pilot Brian: Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Stewie: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.
Pilot Peter: Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Pilot Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
Stewie: Ah, ew, gross look at that!
[At the spot where we expect to see a cutaway gag, the Pilot Griffins just stand around staring]
Brian: Wait, what are they doing?
Stewie: I dunno, they're just...standing there like zombies.
Brian: Do you think they're all right?
Stewie: I'm...I'm...I'm...I'm not sure.
Pilot Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
[The Pilot Griffins stare again]
Brian: They're doing it again, what the hell?
Stewie: I'm...I'm...I'm at a loss.
Brian: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should an ambulance?
Stewie: That is so creepy.
Pilot Brian: [emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[The Pilot Griffins stare again]
Stewie: Oh, they're...they're doi...they're setting up fucking cutaways.
Brian: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?
Stewie: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot.
[cut to the Griffins living room]
Peter: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman.
[After Peter sets up this gag, Brian takes out a flask, Peter smokes a cigarette, Lois applies makeup, and Stewie, Chris, and Meg text on their cell phones]
Lois: You sure you got time to smoke?
Peter: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.

[While Pilot Stewie assembles his tuna fish sandwich rifle, Stewie from 2011 hides under the bed and sneezes. Pilot Stewie hears this and goes to the bed and sees 2011 Stewie]
Stewie: Oh...hey.
Pilot Stewie: Who the deuce are you?
Stewie: Um, well, I'm, uh...I'm you.
Pilot Stewie: You look like me, but that's utterly impossible!
Stewie: I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time.
Pilot Stewie: That's absurd!
Stewie: Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog.
Pilot Stewie: [gasps] It is you!

[watching Pilot Peter and his stag party buddies drink until the Statue of Liberty takes her clothes off]
Brian: Aw, look at that. There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years.
Stewie: TV's not even plugged in.

[after witnessing the blimp crash to the ground]
Pilot Brian: Woah, crash ahoy!

[Future Brian and Stewie fail to return to their time and appear in front of the courthouse instead]
Brian: Oh, God, now where are we?
[Future Brian and Stewie run to the courthouse and open the door]
Pilot Peter: ...Well, I figured the sooner I'd cash the check, the sooner they'd, ehh, catch their mistake. Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?
Brian: Oh man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud.
[Someone around the corner coughs and Brian and Stewie walk towards the sound, it's the Kool Aid man smoking a cigarette]
Stewie: Hey.
Kool-Aid Man: Huh? Oh, hey.
Stewie: You're the Kool Aid guy.
Kool Aid man: Yeah.
Stewie: What are you doing?
Kool Aid man: Just waiting.
Stewie: For what?
Kool Aid man: [Annoyed] I'm just waiting dude, relax.
Brian: Hey, is there any place around here that sells D batteries?
Kool Aid man: [More annoyed] Guys, don't distract me. I gotta really be up.
[Inside courtroom]
Pilot Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! [gavel]
Pilot Lois: Oh no!
Pilot Brian: Oh no!
Pilot Chris: Oh no!
Pilot Meg: Oh no!
[Camera cuts to wall but nothing happens. Meanwhile back outside]
Stewie: So there's no organs or glands or anything right? It's just the liquid?
Kool Aid man: Yeah, yeah, it's just the liquid.
Stewie: I don't know if this is a weird question but, can i have some?
Kool Aid man: Alright, tilt your head back and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth.
Stewie: Oh, now I don't want it.
Kool Aid man: Oh crap, did I miss it!
[Meanwhile back inside]
Pilot Lois: Excuse me, your honor, my husband can be thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he...
[Kool Aid man suddenly rushes through the wall at the wrong moment]
Kool Aid man: Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! Yeah!
[Everyone stares at Pilot Kool Aid man silently and he tries to step back outside backwards like in the pilot, but trips and breaks himself next to Brian and Stewie]
Kool Aid man: You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts! Fucking me up! Fuck you!

Stewie: The Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likee.

Stewie: What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?
Brian: Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?
Stewie: Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook.
[Cuts to a scene with Cookie Monster and a man behind a desk]
Man: What is this?
Cookie Monster: Cookiebook.

Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Joyce Kinney: And I'm Joyce Kinney.
Tom Tucker: Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever.
Joyce Kinney: That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own Brian Griffin.
Tom Tucker: This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called...[going off script] Holy shit, look at all those vowels. [squinting to try to read the teleprompter] Al Kwa-ay-ee-duh?
[footage of Brian on a plane adjusting the camera]
Brian: [on TV] Here, make sure you get all this. [Brian gets a baseball bat from the overhead bin] Time to terrorize the terrorists!
Stewie: Uch, you prepared catchphrases for yourself?
Brian: No. Not necessarily.
[Brian knocks out one of the terrorists with the bat on TV]
Brian: [on TV] Mohamed Atta stayed home!
Stewie: Nobody even knows that guy's name yet! You're using information that nobody knows!
[On the TV, Brian knocks out another terrorist]
Brian: [on TV] Houston, we have a solution!
Stewie: Houston's for space, not everyday air travel!!
[Back on TV, Brian is seen at the front of the plane getting a microphone out from the cockpit]
Brian: [on TV] Tell 'em to ground every plane on the East Coast! Seacrest out!
[applause from the passengers as Brian receives high fives from them and the video stops]
Tom Tucker: Wow, what a hero! Coming up next in sports: "Arizona Cardinals running back Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?"

Lois: Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you.
Peter: Yeah, buddy, great job stoppin' those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust.
[cutaway to the Gateway Arch at St. Louis, a plane is seen attempting to destroy it but goes under it instead]
Terrorist: We missed!

Future Peter: Hey Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the "Meg Kissing Booth" story.

Future Peter: Chris, I heard you got a "D" on your report card. Here's a cutaway.
[cut to Future Peter standing in front of a white background]
Future Peter: Matthew McConaughey is terrible.



Future Frogmire: Ribbity.

Stewie: [talking to the Brian who went back in time first] Also, if you don't give that Stewie a backrub, it'll really mess things up.

Brian: Did that do it?
Stewie: Only one way to find out. [opens his laptop and searches on the Internet] 9....11. Oh! We did it, Brian! We made 9/11 happen, high five!
Brian: Alright, yeah, high five!
Stewie: [giving Brian a high five, simultaneously] Yeah, alright!...Wow...that wouldn't look very good out of context.

Lois: [carrying a hamper of dirty clothes] There's the writer of the Harry Potter series, must be weird hanging out with us muggles, huh, Brian?
Brian: [in realization of what he just did] Huh, yeah.
Lois: Well, "laundrium insertum!"

[Brian and Stewie create multiple time paradox duplicates of themselves, and one pair of duplicates come with Peter]
Peter: I don't know what I'm doin' here. I was just lookin' for the can.

[After the many time paradox duplicates of Brian and Stewie try to stop each other from changing the past, a huge argument breaks out. Having had enough of this, the Stewie who went back to the pilot in the first place steps on one of the trash cans]
Stewie: Alright, everybody, SHUT THE HELL UP!! [everyone pays attention to the Stewie on the trashcan] Alright, this is bullshit! Alright, I can't follow what's going on anymore! I'm assuming the rest of you can't either. So let's make this easy and take a vote! How many think we should prevent 9/11, raise your hands? [Peter and some of the Brians and Stewies raise their hands, and Stewie counts them quietly] Alright, looks like 42. Alright, who votes "yes" 9/11? [Some of the Stewies, Brians, and Peter again, raise their hands and Stewie counts them again] Okay, alright, 57. Alright, 9/11 wins.
Brian: Wa-wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number?
Stewie Duplicate: Um, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
Brian: Wh-What do you mean?
Stewie Duplicate: I dunno, one of them landed here with his throat slit.

Brian: [looking at the pilot house] Wait a minute, isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's?
Stewie: They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before we originally arrived.
Brian: Why?
Stewie: You'll see. [The Stewie and Brian from the beginning of the episode appear and Stewie gets a gun out] GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR TIME MACHINE!!!!!!
Brian from the Beginning of the Episode: Dah!
Stewie from the Beginning of the Episode: Who are you?!
Brian from the Beginning of the Episode: Look, just calm down...
[Stewie shoots the Brian from the beginning in the episode in the leg]
Stewie: You gonna flap your lips, or you gonna do what I said?
Brian from the Beginning of the Episode: Okay, okay.
Stewie from the Beginning of the Episode: My God!
[The Stewie and Brian from the beginning of the episode activate the return pad]
Brian: You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past?
Stewie: Don't worry, Brian. If I were successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased.
Brian: Oh. Is it gonna hurt?
Stewie: Just a little.
[Stewie and Brian start to disappear]
Brian: Ow.

[Brian and Stewie from the beginning sit on the sofa]
Brian: Oh God, my leg is killing me.
Stewie: Well, time travel is risky. Every time you step into that machine you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did.
Brian: I wonder what it was..
Stewie: We'll never know. But look on the bright side, you might be sitting here with a hole in your leg but at least our present universe hasn't been affected.
[Peter and his stag party buddies from 1999 arrive]
Peter: Sorry guys I'm gonna need the couch, the gang and I are gonna watch the game. Alright, let's unplug the TV and get going!

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