Kool Aid man: [Annoyed] I'm just waiting dude, relax.
Brian: Hey, is there any place around here that sells D batteries?
Kool Aid man: [More annoyed] Guys, don't distract me. I gotta really be up.
Pilot Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! [gavel]
Pilot Lois: Oh no!
Pilot Stewie: Oh no!
Pilot Brian: Oh no!
Pilot Chris: Oh no!
Pilot Meg: Oh no!
[Camera cuts to wall but nothing happens]
[Meanwhile back outside]
Stewie: [Referring to Pilot Kool Aid man] So there's no organs or glands or anything right? It's just the liquid?
Kool Aid man: Yeah, yeah, it's just the liquid.
Stewie: [Looking at the ground] I don't know if this is a weird question but, can i have some?
Kool Aid man: Alright, tilt your head back and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth.
Stewie: Oh, now I don't want it.
Kool Aid man: Oh crap, did I miss it!
[Meanwhile back inside]
Pilot Lois: [Directed to Pilot judge] Excuse me, your honor, my husband can be thoughtless at times, he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he-
[Kool Aid man suddenly rushes through the wall at the wrong moment]
Kool Aid man: Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! Yeah!
[Everyone stares at Pilot Kool Aid man silently and he tries to step back outside backwards like in the pilot, but trips and breaks himself next to Brian and Stewie]
Kool Aid man: You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Talking about my guts! Fucking me up! Fuck you!
[Brian and Stewie run away covered in Kool Aid]
Stewie: The Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likee.
Stewie: [to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?
Brian: Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?
Stewie: Brian, you should't have done that. Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook.
[Cuts to a scene with Cookie Monster and a man behind a desk]
Tom Tucker: Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever.
Joyce Kinney: That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own Brian Griffin.
Tom Tucker: This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called—[going off script] Holy shit, look at all those vowels. [squinting to try to read the teleprompter] Al Kwa-ay-ee-duh?
[footage of Brian on a plane adjusting the camera]
Brian: [on TV] Here, make sure you get all this. [the terrorists are heard yelling at the front of the plane as Brian gets a baseball bat from the overhead bin] Time to terrorize the terrorists!
Stewie: Uch, you prepared catchphrases for yourself?
Brian: No. Not necessarily.
[Brian knocks out one of the terrorists with the bat on TV]
Brian: [on TV] Mohamed Atta stayed home!
Stewie: Nobody even knows that guy's name yet! You're using information that nobody knows!
[On the TV, Brian knocks out another terrorist]
Brian: [on TV] Houston, we have a solution!
Stewie: Houston's for space, not everyday air travel!!
[Back on TV, Brian is seen at the front of the plane getting a microphone out from the cockpit]
Brian: [on TV] Tell 'em to ground every plane on the East Coast! Seacrest out!
[applause from the passengers as Brian receives high fives from them and the video stops]
Tom Tucker: Wow, what a hero! Coming up next in sports: "Arizona Cardinals running back Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?"
Lois: Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you.
Peter: Yeah, buddy, great job stoppin' those terrorists. And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust.
[cutaway to the Gateway Arch at St. Louis, a plane is seen attempting to destroy it but goes under it instead]
Terrorist: We missed!
Future Peter: Hey Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the "Meg Kissing Booth" story.
Future Peter: Chris, I heard you got a "D" on your report card. Here's a cutaway.
[cut to Future Peter standing in front of a white background]
Stewie: [talking to the Brian who went back in time first] Also, if you don't give that Stewie a backrub, it'll really mess things up. [winks as the first Stewie looks in excitement]
Brian: Did that do it?
Stewie: Only one way to find out. [opens his laptop and searches on the Internet] 9....11. Oh! We did it, Brian! We made 9/11 happen, high five!
Brian: Alright, yeah, high five!
Stewie: [giving Brian a high five, simultaneously] Yeah, alright!
Stewie: Wow...that wouldn't look very good out of context.
Lois: [to Brian, carrying a hamper of dirty clothes] There's the writer of the Harry Potter series, must be weird hanging out with us muggles, huh, Brian?
Brian: [in realization of what he just did] Huh, yeah.
Lois: Well, laundrium insertum! [giggles]
[Brian and Stewie create multiple time paradox duplicates of themselves, and one pair of duplicates come with Peter]
Peter: I don't know what I'm doin' here. I was just lookin' for the can.
[After the many time paradox duplicates of Brian and Stewie try to stop each other from changing the past, a huge argument breaks out. Having had enough of this, the Stewie who went back to the pilot in the first place steps on one of the trash cans.]
Stewie: Alright, everybody, SHUT THE HELL UP!! [everyone pays attention to the Stewie on the trashcan] Alright, this is bullshit! Alright, I can't follow what's going on anymore! I'm assuming the rest of you can't either. So let's make this easy and take a vote! How many think we should prevent 9/11, raise your hands? [Peter and some of the Brians and Stewies raise their hands, and Stewie counts them quietly] Alright, looks like 42. Alright, who votes "yes" 9/11? [Some of the Stewies, Brians, and Peter again, raise their hands and Stewie counts them again] Okay, alright, 57. Alright, 9/11 wins.
Brian: Wa-wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number?
Stewie Duplicate: Um, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
Brian: Wh-What do you mean?
Stewie Duplicate: I dunno, one of them landed here with his throat slit.
Brian: [looking at the pilot house] Wait a minute, isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's?
Stewie: They're not here yet. Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before we originally arrived.
Stewie: You'll see. [The Stewie and Brian from the beginning of the episode appear and Stewie gets a gun out.] GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR TIME MACHINE!!!!!!
Brian from the Beginning of the Episode: Dah!
Stewie from the Beginning of the Episode: Who are you?!
Stewie: NEVERMIND WHO I AM!!!! JUST GET BACK IN YOUR TIME MACHINE, GET BACK TO THE PRESENT AND STAY THERE!!!!
Brian from the Beginning of the Episode: Look, just calm down—
[Stewie shoots the Brian from the beginning in the episode in the leg]
Stewie: You gonna flap your lips, or you gonna do what I said?
Brian from the Beginning of the Episode: Okay, okay.
Stewie from the Beginning of the Episode: My God!
[The Stewie and Brian from the beginning of the episode activate the return pad]
Brian: You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past?
Stewie: Don't worry, Brian. If I were successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed. The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased.
Brian: Oh. Is it gonna hurt?
Stewie: Just a little.
[Stewie and Brian start to disappear.]
[Brian and Stewie from the beginning sit on the sofa]
Brian: Oh God, my leg is killing me.
Stewie: Well, time travel is risky. Everytime you step into that machine you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. Thankfully the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did.
Brian: I wonder what it was..
Stewie: We'll never know. But look on the bright side, you might be sitting here with a hole in your leg but at least our present universe hasn't been affected.
[Camera pans out to Peter and his stag party buddies from 1999]
Peter: Sorry guys i'm gonna need the couch, the gang and I are gonna watch the game. Alright, let's unplug the TV and get going!
[Episode ends with Peter and his buddies drinking in a similar fashion as in the pilot]