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Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.

[Lois opens Peter's credit card bill]
Lois: Oh my God, Peter, your Visa bill is $16,000! Somebody's been using your credit card! Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet?
Peter: I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. [pops his mouth]
Lois: Peter, this is serious!
Brian: Let me see that. [reads the bill] A big-screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets-- Peter, someone's obviously stolen your credit card.
Peter: Well, here's the good news, Brian: whoever the thief is, he's spending less than my wife!

James Woods: You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

[James Woods, having stolen Peter's identity, calls Joe over]
James Woods: Hello, officer. Would you be kind enough to remove this trespasser from my home?
Peter: What are you talkin' about? This is my house!
James Woods: No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin. [pulls out Peter's wallet] And that's me.
Joe: [going through the contents] Hm, driver's license, social security card, passport, title to the house... [sighs] This puts me in a tough spot.
Lois: Joe, you can't possibly believe this! You know who Peter is!
Joe: I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork.
Brian: Oh, come on! This is identity theft!
Joe: I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. [to Peter] I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
James Woods: Thanks, Joe. "Clam" later? We'll hoist a few?
Joe: [to James Woods] Sure, Peter.
Lois: Joe!
[Joe forces the real Peter out of his house]
James Woods: Hey, not so fast, pal, but...those are my clothes.
Peter: Oh, come on!
Joe: You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. [Peter strips naked and hands his clothes to James Woods] Right down to the poop sack. [Peter and James stare at him] What? You don't all wear a poop sack..? DAMMIT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!

[Brian is glaring at James Woods, who is still under Peter's identity and wearing his clothes]
Brian: You won't get away with this, Woods.
James Woods: You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog.
Brian: What the hell does that mean?
[cut to Brian tied to a wooden post in the back yard]
Brian: This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown, and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind of... [suddenly a squirrel goes by, and Brian starts chasing it and barking. He goes in circles until he wraps the leash around the post and chokes on it] What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this? [Stewie runs over to Brian]
Stewie: Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this!
Brian: [stands up in excitement] Really? Did he like it?
Stewie: He wants to option it and make a movie!
Brian: [wags his tail] Really?!
Stewie: No, he didn't really respond to it.
Brian: [disappointed] Oh. Listen, I need your help; run inside and get me a pair of scissors.
Stewie: Okay. I just hope I don't get distracted. I am a baby after all. [walks away] Ooh, a brightly colored dish towel! What did I come in here for?
[uncensored cut]
Brian: Listen, I need your help; run inside and get me a pair of scissors.
Stewie: No.
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Because you made me watch 2 Girls 1 Cup.
[cutaway to Stewie's bedroom. Stewie is acting curious when Brian clicks the mouse at the computer]
Stewie: Okay, wait, so what is this now?
Brian: Just watch.
Stewie: Why are we taping my reaction? [Brian fiddles camera]
Brian: Jus...just watch. [the video starts]
Stewie: Okay..they're lesbians, clearly. [unfazed] I dunno... I dunno what else... [twitch] Wait. Wait. Wai... Wh...wh...what? Wha..what?! No..! No...! Agh... Agghh! Aggghhh! Agghh, what is wrong with you?! Oh, my God! Agh! Aggh! Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream agai...OH MY GOD! [covers mouth, begins to retch; muffled] Agh! Agh..! Oh my God! Agghh...! Oh, that is disgusting! Oh my God! Oh, could you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh my God, that would be even worse. I mean, like, would that..would that even exist? Li...uhh... Like, where'd you even find it? Let's type it in and see what comes up.
[back from cutaway]
Stewie: So you can just rot out here, Brian.

[Chris walks into the kitchen from outside; James Woods still has Peter's identity]
Chris: Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. [Peter walks in wearing a typical kid's clothes, including a white/green-striped shirt and a red cap] Mom, "Dad", this is Scooter.
Lois: [turns around see Peter, recognizing him immediately] Oh...hello, Scooter.
Meg: Hi, Scooter.
Peter: Hey, everybody! Sure is swell of you to have me over! What's for eats, Mrs. G?
Lois: Uh, meatloaf, Pe...I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.
Peter: Leapin' Lizards, meatloaf is my favorite!
Meg: Scooter, how come we've never met you before?
Peter: [breaking character] Shut up, Meg.
James Woods: [suspiciously] You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table.
Peter: Uh, my bad, Mr. G.
Chris: Dad, no! [Peter removes his hat]
James Woods: A-ha! I should have known! [pulls out a shotgun] Get out of my house right now, you son of a bitch! [Peter runs out of the house as James fires several times. Peter then gets on a child's big wheel and pedals down the street until he crushes it and starts crying in pain like a child]
Peter: Agggghhhh! Owwwww! Owwwwww! Owwwwwww!

[Peter is now staying at a hotel with Brian; James Woods still has Peter's identity]
Brian: Wait a minute, Peter... If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.
Peter: That's a great Idea, Brian! If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family!
Brian: No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you; you can ruin him.
Peter: I'll do it. I'll be James Woods. [goes out on the fire escape] From this day forth, I am James Woods! And I'll stick to that story even if nobody believes it. [camera pans down to Vern, one of the Vaudeville duo, now as a ghost]
Vern: I'll tell you what nobody believes in... ghosts. [starts singing and dancing to piano music] Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday Night? Ha! ...Damn! Play me off, Johnny! [camera pans down to Johnny in Hell, who plays his piano part as always] [to the audience] You're probably wonderin' why he's in Hell. Johnny liked little boys.

[as James Woods still has Peter's identity, Peter appears as James Woods on "The Late Show with David Letterman"]
David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
Peter: Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
James Woods: [at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I...I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. [the studio audience gasps]
James Woods: No! No, no, no, no!
David Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter: Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it-it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like...it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear any more about this.
Peter: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade! That...dwarf, that...skinny chicken-shit..!

James Woods: Oooh, a piece of candy.

James Woods: [holding a shotgun, after finding Peter in 'his' yard] Well, well a trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happen to me since...
Peter: [gasps] You wouldn't!
James Woods: It's up to you, Peter! Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks.
Peter: All right, all right, okay.
Brian: Peter, why do you care?
Peter: No, no, Brian, he's serious.

Peter: I'll come back for ya, Lois, and I'll set up all my flashbacks just like I used to, like the time I swallowed that midget who played Mini-Me just so I can make you laugh.
[cutaway]
Lois: You ready for dinner, Peter?
Peter: [ecstatic] Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day. [looks down] I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. [grabs belly] C'mon, say the line! Oh! Oh! There he is. Y'know what? He slipped into my colon. Yep. Aw, dammit, he smothered. Uh, b...but let j...just... Let me just ask you this, Lois...if my stomach said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry! How about some pork chops?" Wo...would you have thought that was funny?
Lois: Ehh, not really.
Peter: Ah. Well then, this has been an absolute misfire.

Lois: Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back; I missed you.
Peter: I missed you too, Lois.
Lois: So what happened to James Woods?
Peter: Oh, he's being examined by top men.
Lois: Who?
Peter: TOP... men.

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