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Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.

[Peter, Lois, and Brian are on the couch. Lois opens Peter's credit card bill]
Lois: [gasps] Oh my God, Peter, your Visa bill is $16,000! Somebody's been using your credit card! Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet?
Peter: I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. [pops his mouth]
Lois: Peter, this is serious!
Brian: Let me see that. [reads the bill] A big-screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets-- Peter, someone's obviously stolen your credit card.
Peter: Well, here's the good news, Brian: whoever the thief is, he's spending less than my wife!

James Woods: You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you motherfucker!

[James Woods, having stolen Peter's identity, calls Joe over]
James Woods: Hello, officer. Would you be kind enough to remove this trespasser from my home?
Peter: What are you talkin' about? This is my house!
James Woods: No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin. [pulls out Peter's wallet] And that's me.
Joe: [going through the contents] Hm, driver's license, social security card, passport, title to the house... [sighs] This puts me in a tough spot.
Lois: Joe, you can't possibly believe this! You know who Peter is!
Joe: I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork.
Brian: Oh, come on! This is identity theft!
Joe: I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. [to Peter] I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
James Woods: Thanks, Joe. "Clam" later? We'll hoist a few?
Joe: [to James Woods] Sure, Peter.
Lois: Joe!
[Joe forces the real Peter out of his house]
James Woods: Hey, not so fast, pal, but...those are my clothes.
Peter: Oh, come on!
Joe: You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. [Peter strips naked and hands his clothes to James Woods] Right down to the poop sack. [Peter and James stare at him] What? You don't all wear a poop sack..? DAMMIT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!

[Brian is glaring at James Woods, who is still under Peter's identity and wearing his clothes]
Brian: You won't get away with this, Woods.
James Woods: You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog.
Brian: What the hell does that mean?
[cut to Brian tied to a wooden post in the back yard]
Brian: This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown, and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind of... [suddenly a squirrel goes by, and Brian starts chasing it and barking. He goes in circles until he wraps the leash around the post and chokes on it] What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this? [Stewie runs over to Brian]
Stewie: Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this!
Brian: [stands up in excitement] Really? Did he like it?
Stewie: He wants to option it and make a movie!
Brian: [wags his tail] Really?!
Stewie: No, he didn't really respond to it.
Brian: [disappointed] Oh. Listen, I need your help; run inside and get me a pair of scissors.
Stewie: Okay. I just hope I don't get distracted. I am a baby after all. [walks away] Ooh, a brightly colored dish towel! What did I come in here for?
[DVD cut]
Brian: Listen, I need your help; run inside and get me a pair of scissors.
Stewie: No.
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Because you made me watch 2 Girls 1 Cup.
[cutaway to Stewie's bedroom. Stewie is acting curious when Brian clicks the mouse at the computer]
Stewie: Okay, wait, so what is this now?
Brian: Just watch.
Stewie: Why are we taping my reaction? [Brian fiddles camera]
Brian: Jus-just watch. [the video starts with piano music]
Stewie: Okay..they're lesbians, clearly. [unfazed] I dunno... I dunno what else... [twitch] Wait. Wait. [Brian chuckles softly] Wai-- Wh-wh-what? Wha..what?! No..! No...! Agh... Agghh! Aggghhh! Agghh, what is wrong with you?! Oh, my God! Agh! Aggh! Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream agai-oh my God! [covers mouth, begins to retch; muffled] Agh! Agh..! Oh my God! Agghh...! Oh, that is disgusting! Oh my God! Oh, could you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh my God, that would be even worse. I mean, like, would that..would that even exist? Li-uhh... Like, where'd you even find it? Let's type it in and see what comes up.
[back from cutaway]
Stewie: So you can just rot out here, Brian.

[Chris walks into the kitchen from outside; James Woods still has Peter's identity]
Chris: Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. [Peter walks in wearing a typical kid's clothes, including a white/green-striped shirt and a red cap] Mom, "Dad", this is Scooter.
Lois: [turns around see Peter, recognizing him immediately to her pleasure] Oh...hello, Scooter.
Meg: Hi, Scooter.
Peter: Hey, everybody! Sure is swell of you to have me over! What's for eats, Mrs. G?
Lois: Uh, meatloaf, Pe-I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.
Peter: Leapin' Lizards, meatloaf is my favorite!
Meg: Scooter, how come we've never met you before?
Peter: [breaking character] Shut up, Meg.
James Woods: [suspiciously] You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table.
Peter: Uh, my bad, Mr. G.
Chris: Dad, no! [Peter removes his hat]
James Woods: A-ha! I should have known! [pulls out a shotgun] Get out of my house right now, you son of a bitch! [Peter runs out of the house as James fires several times. Peter then gets on a child's big wheel and pedals down the street until he crushes it and starts crying in pain like a child]
Peter: Agggghhhh! Owwwww! Owwwwww! Owwwwwww!

[Peter is now staying at a hotel with Brian; James Woods still has Peter's identity]
Brian: Wait a minute, Peter... If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.
Peter: That's a great Idea, Brian! If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family!
Brian: No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you; you can ruin him.
Peter: I'll do it. I'll be James Woods. [goes out on the fire escape] From this day forth, I am James Woods! And I'll stick to that story even if nobody believes it. [camera pans down to Vern, one of the Vaudeville duo, now as a ghost]
Vern: I'll tell you what nobody believes in - ghosts. [starts singing and dancing to piano music]
Where did Robinson Crusoe go
with Friday on Saturday Night? Ha! ...Damn! Play me off, Johnny! [camera pans down to Johnny in Hell, who plays his piano part as always] [to the audience] You're probably wonderin' why he's in Hell. Johnny liked little boys.

[as James Woods still has Peter's identity, Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
Peter: Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
James Woods: [at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I-I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun. [the studio audience gasps]
James Woods: No! No, no, no, no!
David Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter: Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it-it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like-it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear any more about this.
Peter: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade! That...dwarf, that...skinny chicken-shit..!

James Woods: Oooh, a piece of candy.

James Woods: [holding a shotgun, after finding Peter in 'his' yard] Well, well a trespasser on my property. That's the worst thing that's happen to me since--
Peter: [gasps] You wouldn't!
James Woods: It's up to you, Peter! Either you leave now, or I set up one of your random flashbacks.
Peter: All right, all right, okay.
Brian: Peter, why do you care?
Peter: No, no, Brian, he's serious.

Peter: I'll come back for ya, Lois, and I'll set up all my flashbacks just like I used to, like the time I swallowed that midget who played Mini-Me just so I can make you laugh.
[cutaway to kitchen]
Lois: You ready for dinner, Peter?
Peter: [ecstatic] Oh, yeah. In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day. [looks down] I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day. [grabs belly] C'mon, say the line! Oh! Oh! There he is. Y'know what? He slipped into my colon. Yep. Aw, dammit, he smothered. Uh, b-but let j-just-- Let me just ask you this, Lois - if my stomach said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry! How about some pork chops?" Wo-would you have thought that was funny?
Lois: Ehh, not really.
Peter: Ah. Well then, this has been an absolute misfire.

Lois: Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back; I missed you.
Peter: I missed you too, Lois.
Lois: So what happened to James Woods?
Peter: Oh, he's being examined by top men.
Lois: Who?
Peter: TOP... men.

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