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Bango Was His Name Oh/Quotes

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Stewie: OK, now, if I get a fax, can I stay online and still receive the fax without a dedicated line?
Foreign Employee: Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here and make, like, a phone call, and your friend will get another piece of paper with the same picture.
Stewie: ...Can I possibly speak to someone who didn't come to this country on a floating door?

Lois: Kids, can we have some privacy please?
Peter: Yeah, you guys are more annoying than that announcer on those TV commercials.
Al Harrington: Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked on Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men, and I am passing the savings onto YOU! Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation, keep Grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbours! African-American? Hail a cab! Testify in Church or just raise the roof! Whatever your Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man needs are, so come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in WEEKAPAUG!

Peter: Before you know it, Meg will be beating guys off with two hands!

Stewie: Forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum, you will be missed. [hits piggy bank with a hammer] There we are.
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: None of your beeswax, Ramona. But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco.
Brian: Pfah! Good luck, plane tickets are about 450 bucks.
Stewie: Four hundred... Brian, hit me in the mouth.
Brian: What? Why?
Stewie: I hear this Tooth Fairy gives you money for your teeth. Have at it!
Brian: Uh, OK. [goes to take a swing at Stewie]
Stewie: NO, NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, STOP, STOP! [Brian lowers his fist] Why did you stop? I said hit me!
Brian: You flinched.
Stewie: Well, of course I flinched, you were going to hit me!
Brian: Well make up your mind! What do you want me to do?
Stewie: Hit me! [Brian tries again] ARGH! No, no! Don't! Don't! [Brian sighs] I'm sorry, look, I know I'm being hard to read- OOF!

[at the kitchen, Brian is seen paying bills; Stewie enters]
Stewie: Oh, there you are. I thought you should- What are you doing?
Brian: Paying bills.
Stewie: What bills? You have bills?
Brian: Well, there's cable and-
Stewie: Peter pays for the cable!
Brian: It's at this, uh...It's at this girl's house. Do you want something?
Stewie: Yes. I'm still short for my trip. I've only got $200. I suggest you pony up the difference immediately or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the F.B.I.!
Brian: What are you talking about? There's nothing on there. [Stewie shows him a nude picture of himself on Brian's computer] Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father?
Stewie: Because he's an idiot. You remember that time he went to The Today Show?.
[Cutaway to "The Today Show" where Peter is in the audience background.]
Katie Couric: Coming up on Today. Tom Cruise has a new movie. We're gonna be talking to him.
Peter: [knocking on glass] Katie.
Katie Couric: Funnyman Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter: [knocking on glass] Katie!
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel.
Peter: [knocking on glass] Katie!
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we've got all this and more coming up in the next hour.
Peter: [breaks through glass and yells..] Katie!
Katie Couric: WHAT!?
Peter: Oh, well, never mind.

Quagmire: Hey, Brian, what do you think of my sign?
Brian: Quagmire's Cross Country Tour. Uh, Isn't there an 'O' in Country?
Quagmire: No. Look out, California, here I come! He he he!
Stewie: California! [takes his tryke and throws it in the Winnebago]
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: Well, you heard Captain Syphilis, we're going to California!

Stewie: Oh, they won't even know we're gone. [pulls a pad out from his pocket and pushes a button. A robot Stewie and a robot Brian come out of Stewie's closet]
Robot Stewie: Damn you, vile woman. Blast. What the deuce?
Robot Brian: I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Quagmire: Glad you guys are joinin' me.
Stewie: Hey, did you guys see Three Men and a Baby?
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Did you know there's a ghost in there behind the window?
Brian: That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard.
Stewie: No, it's a ghost. I heard.
Brian: You heard from who?
Stewie: From, um...uh...Lois?
Brian: Yeah, right.
Stewie: Cleveland?
Brian: No.
Stewie: Death?
Brian: No.
Stewie: Greased Up Deaf Guy?
Brian: He said that?

[While Quagmire is having sex with an unknown woman in his trailer bedroom, Stewie and Brian play chess; When Brian's eyes are diverted, Stewie changes the game pieces]
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: Your knight was at king's rook six.
Brian: No, my bishop was at king's rook six. My knight was at queen five.
Stewie: No, no, no.
Brian: Yes. Yes. I was sitting right- I saw right-
Stewie: No. In your dreams your knight was at queen five. Yeah...
[Brian and Stewie struggling over a chess piece until Stewie gets agitated and throws the chess board to a refrigerator]
Stewie: Oh! Look at that! Look at that! Now your knight is at refrigerator five.
Brian: That's real mature.
Stewie: Yeah, well, who comes out a winner? Me. [imitates audience cheering] Griffin once again. Undefeated champion of the world!

Brian: Are you alright?
Stewie: NEVER BETTER! I GOT SOME PEP PILLS FROM A TRUCKER AT THE LAST STOP! KEEPS ME AWAKE!
Brian:You took pills?
Stewie: WEST COAST TURNAROUNDS! TRUCKER SAID TO ONLY TAKE ONE, BUT I TOOK ALL OF THEM!
Brian: Look, maybe you should slow down...
Stewie: WHY? WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME!
Brian: We're not even on the road.
Stewie: HUH?
Brian: I said we're not even on the road!
Stewie: DON'T NEED TO BE! COMPASS SAYS WEST, THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED!
Brian: Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.
Stewie: I KNOW! IMAGINE THE NADS ON THOSE GUYS WHO DID THIS IN A WAGON! PIONEERS, BRIAN! WE SHARE THEIR SPIRIT! MANIFEST DESTINY!
Brian: OK, that's it, give me the wheel!
Stewie: GO TO HELL!

Stewie: Oh my god, Brian! Do you see what I see?
Brian: A Dr. Pepper machine!
Stewie: Yes! I can taste it now! [The two rush to the machine laughing, then get there and their faces fall]
Brian: Dammit, it was a mirage.
Stewie: Ugh, an RC Cola machine...

Wilford Brimley: Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Lois: Chris, I'm gonna teach you to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris: Why you gotta break balls?

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