Announcer: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynocologist.
Dr. Terry Fabulous[in a room with a patient]: OK, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. [lifts up gown] Ewwww, it's looks like a sad old man.
Peter Griffin: [Watching Lois, Bernice, And Bonnie dance] Oh, my God, this sucks. The clam's the only place we've got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
[cutaway to Peter sitting on the couch]
Announcer: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler.
Rich Man: Edgar, could you bring me some tea?
[Jack Black come in the scene with a bowtie on; no shirt, and has on pants]
Jack Black: YEAH!! YEAH!!
Rich Man: Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.
Jack Black: You're an old man. You don't understand the young people.
Rich Man: You're right. I'll change from now on.
[Lois, Bonnie, and Bernice are hanging out at the Drunken Clam with the men]
Bonnie Swanson: Oh my God, that was so much fun!
Lois Griffin: [to the guys] You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot! [Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face; he was only thinking about it]
Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Glenn Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
Cleveland Brown: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap.
Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing, it's an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the clam, we got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurtin' anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talkin' about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
[cutaway to the exterior of the Griffins house, where a big hole in the wall is present in Stewie's side of the house]
Stewie Griffin: What is this?? There's something wrong with the house!...I don't like change!
Bonnie Swanson: Boy, they sure are making a lot of noise out there.
Lois Griffin: Those idiots have done nothing but hang out in that stupid shed for the last two days!
Bernice: We should crash that party!
Lois Griffin: Hey, you know what, Bernice is right! They're always trying to get away from us! We should march in there and remind them that they have wives.
Muriel Goldman: Especially if they have food, because bar food is so overpriced.
Bernice: Man, who invited Anne Frank?
Herbert: [Siting at a stand that says Boy's Club: Free Popcicles and Shoulder Rubs]Y-M-C-A. It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A Mmmmm...
[Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe are playing cards at the Quahog Men's Club]
Glenn Quagmire: Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter Griffin: Uh... yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
Glenn Quagmire: Hang on, hang on... Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. [Cleveland looks at Peter]
Peter Griffin: [pause] I think still yes.
Cleveland Brown: Thank you, Peter.
Glenn Quagmire: All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with: a very pregnant Gina Gershon or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Peter Griffin: W...wait, h...hang on, hang on. Look, you know...you know, I...I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Like, okay, look... h...how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with: Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
Glenn Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
Peter Griffin: It is not.
Glenn Quagmire: Well then, what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?
Cleveland Brown: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
Peter Griffin: 651.
Cleveland Brown: That's not bad.
Joe Swanson: Better than mine.
Cleveland Brown: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
Peter Griffin: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
Glenn Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that--that seems like it's more her market.
Joe Swanson: This is stupid! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!
Stewie Griffin: God, you're more worthless than Colin Farrell.
[cutaway to Stewie talking to Colin Farrell]
Stewie Griffin: So, uh... you got the wool cap on, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, whatever, it's uh... 96 degrees out, you know. Better-better put on the old wool cap. Yeah. Got a lot, uh, going on under there, huh? Under, under the wool cap? Thinkin' 'bout your sideburns? Yeah. No, no, no. You're not a complete jackass. Yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "PHRESH". And...and it's spelled with a "PH". Oh, that's fun 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear in your pants there-- oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact. But you're not just gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to kill you.
Barney Rubble: Boy, great party, huh Fred?
Fred Flinstone: Yeah. You know, Barn, I figure I outta tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and, uh, I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Uh, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.
Fred: She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and kept undressing.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you serious?
Fred: Yeah, I got an e-rock-tion.
Joe Swanson: Sometimes I feel more useless than the head of the Maid's Union.
[cutaway to Consuela]
Attorney: And what exactly are your demands?
Consuela: We need more Lemon Pledge.
Attorney: You need more Lemon Pledge?
Attorney: We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home.
Dr. Hartman: So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?
Joe Swanson: Doc, I can't take it anymore. I wanna walk again. I'll do whatever it takes!
Dr. Hartman: Well, there is a highly expirimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant. If you'd be willing to sign a waiver, I think I may be able to help you.
Peter Griffin: You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.
Dr. Hartman: Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine! [Carter walks into the scene holding a cup]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Here's my urine sample. Doctor.
Dr. Hartman: Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, hi, Peter.
Dr. Hartman: You know, Peter says we sound alike.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Really, I don't hear it.
Dr. Hartman: Actually, I think I do hear it now.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Really?
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interactions, so I've never noticed it.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Hey, I think I hear it, too!
Dr. Hartman: Seems lazy, doesn't it?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Well, there's only so many voices in the world. Some of them are bound to be similar.
[after leg surgery, Joe and Bonnie are having sex]
Joe Swanson: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX!! SEX!!!
Bonnie Swanson: Oh, Joe, that was amazing!
Joe Swanson: I know. I was there.
Bonnie Swanson: My God, we haven't done it in so long, I'd forgotten how big you were.
Joe Swanson: I was gonna say the same thing to you.
[Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]
Glenn Quagmire: Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
Cleveland Brown: Yeah, I'm afraid I might... [Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall] Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.
Peter Griffin: Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
[Joe is at the Griffins' house, making his friends dance with hip. Cleveland is on the piano]
Joe Swanson: All right, we're gonna do it once more! [everyone moans in agony] And this time, NO MISTAKES! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! [Cleveland begins playing, while the others dance]
Peter, Joe, and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin'!
Cleveland Brown: It's great to stay up late!
Peter, Joe, and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you![Joe sits on Quagmires lap as Peter continues dancing]
Peter Griffin: When the band, begins to play, The stars were shinin' bright!
Glenn Quagmire: But now the milkman's on his way, It's too late to say good night!
Joe Swanson: [shouts at Quagmire] SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!
Glenn Quagmire: AHH! [starts sobbing]Good mornin'![everyone continues dancing]Sunbeams will soon smile through
Peter, Joe, and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you![the song ends, but Stewie pops out from behind the couch and continues by himself]
Stewie Griffin: Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana! In the mornin', in the mor... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
[At The Drunken Clam]
[Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland are sitting at a table, exhausted]
Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry and her grocery list]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am...am I readin' this right? Y...You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh...wh...where the hell am I supposed to... a...an...an...and wh...what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that... wh...what is that... is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that... a...a...an...and wh...wh...wha... look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk... wh...where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, I'll be right back with...[reads from the clipboard] a hammock of cake.
Peter Griffin: It was awful! I mean, he just left Bonnie...and then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douchebags!
Cleveland Brown: Peter, we gotta do something.
Peter Griffin: You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer: We gotta re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.
[cutaway to the same scene of Hitler riding a unicycle and juggling fish seen earlier. Only this time, Peter enters the scene, kicks him off the unicycle, and punches him out]
Peter Griffin: [to the audience] See? We had a plan for that all along.
Peter Griffin: You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.
[cutaway to Peter as a kid standing with two other boys and holding a baseball and glove]
Peter Griffin: [In a really girlish prepubescent voice] Hey, you guys feel like playing some base...[Peters voice suddenly changes to his normal adult voice] ...ball?...Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.
Peter: So, you, uh, really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington?
Quagmire: Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but...you're kind of a buzzkill.
Buzz Killington: Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. [chuckles] Do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be?
Quagmire: Uh, no.
Peter: Uh-uh, no.
Buzz Killington: Neither did the miller when he left the house that morning.
Cleveland: We gotta get Joe back.
[at Joe's house. Peter sneaks up behind him]
Peter Griffin: [holding a baseball bat] Yo, Joe.
Joe Swanson: What the hell are you doin' here, pansy? [Cleveland enters with a crowbar, followed by Quagmire with a golf club]
Cleveland Brown: We're gonna break your legs, Joe.
Glenn Quagmire: It's for your own good!
Peter Griffin: C'mon guys, get him! [they try to attack Joe, but fail miserably, as Joe is unstoppable with his new legs]
Joe Swanson: All right, then. [Bonnie appears behind him, holding his gun] Bonnie? What the hell? Put my gun down!
Bonnie Swanson: Not until I have my husband back! [Joe runs for the door, but Bonnie shoots him in the ass]
Joe Swanson: AHH! MY PERFECT ASS!
Bonnie Swanson: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. [shoots him 2 more times, this time in the shoulder and upper arm]
Joe Swanson: AHH! DAMN IT!!
Bonnie Swanson: Joe, I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible shot! [shoots him 3 more times; in the thigh, the foot, and the side of his head]
Joe Swanson: AHH, FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!!
[at the Clam; Everyone is bandaged up]
Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH... wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Peter Griffin: [humming to the Family Guy theme song] Na na-na na-na-na Na na-na na-na-na Na na-na na-na-na Joke's on you!