Peter Griffin: The key is to put it all in your groin and your back, take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion.
Stewie: Ha ha. You're wearing a diaper, you look silly.
Brian So do you.
Stewie: Well, that's because I'm a baby and when everyone sees me they always go "Oh, that baby is soooo cute. I bet he smells like baby powder." Meanwhile they see you and they say "Oh, that dog is sick. I bet he's dying. I hope he doesn't leak on the carpet. Why doesn't somebody just put him to sleep?
Brian: At this point, I would welcome that.
Roy Scheider: Hi, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank?
Hungry Hank The Toilet: I'm hungry for your poo, don't make me starve.
Roy Scheider: Remember, It’s not really about pushing as much as just relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.
[Brian and Stewie react horribly to the video]
Roy Scheider: Now here’s Susan Saint James to help me wipe.
Farmer: Doggone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house!?
Peter Griffin: Ahh. Why aren't you?
Carter Pewterschmidt: You're all right, Griffin.
Peter Griffin: [to Bill Clinton] I don't know, Reagan.
Peter: Screw our marriage, I love you!
Meg: Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for hanging out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.