Brian: You know, Stewie, I have seen your play, and it is exhilarating. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You are our future.
Stewie: What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote. Have you seen it?
Stewie: You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired clichés. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out Stuart Little.
Peter: I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
Lois: No, Peter.
Peter: "Little" means mouse?
Lois: No, Peter.
Peter: I feel so old and in the way.
Brian: It's still a good play!
Stewie: It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.
Brian: I never saw that episode.
Stewie: I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!
Tom Tucker: I'm Tom Tucker, damn it! I make more in an hour than you make in two hours!
Stewie: You know I want to live in New York City when I'm older,"cause it's twinkly and big, and this is where dreams come true, and that giant bird's coming for us, isn't he?
Stewie: I don't wear anything I can't take off with a flourish.
Lois: Remember kids, if it's terrible, at the end we all say, "You did it!"
[Regarding Brian's play]
David Mamet: It was a Goddamn fucking piece of shit on a dick!