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Brian's Got a Brand New Bag/Quotes

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< Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

[Peter and Brian just finished watching "Road House"]
Peter: That is awesome! And its message is timeless.
Brian: Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking.
Peter: [gasp] Oh my God! ...Brian, you're right.
Brian: Peter, I'm joking.
Peter: Whadid you say to me?
Brian: Peter, what're you doing?
Peter: Get off my plane!
Brian: That's not even the same...awwwohh! What the hell?!
Peter: Not gonna talk to me like that in my bar!
Brian: It's not a bar... ow!
[Peter kicks, headbutts and throws Brian out the window and into the road. A car tries to avoid Brian, but instead crashes into Cleveland's empty house, where the bathtub crashes to the ground, empty]
Peter: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

Mayor West: Please be here. Please be here. Oh sweet mother of God, there you are! [grabs "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" DVD] I'll watch you with the lights off. [chuckles] Like I would dare.

Stewie: [mumbling under sprinklers] That's right Shia, give me all you've got.

[The family are around the dinner table, and Brian is explaining why he didn't want to introduce Rita to them]
Brian: The only reason I haven't brought her around is that you guys don't always make the best impression with girls I date. Especially Peter.
[Cutaway to the living room, with Peter, Brian, and a real-life, life-sized version of the girl on the Ladies Bathroom door]
Peter: Hey aren't you that chick from the bathroom door?
Brian: C'mon, Peter she doesn't wanna talk about work.
Peter: What's it like in there?
Ladies Bathroom Girl: I uh-assume its like how it is in the Men's room.
Peter: Oh, there's a long trough with a big poo in it?

[Brian is sitting on the dining room table, drinking coffee and reading the paper, when Stewie walks in and sits on the chair beside him]
Stewie: Hey its 4:30. Isn't there an early bird special you should be running off to?
Brian: She's 50, Stewie she's not an old woman [His phone rings and he takes it out and answers it] Hello?...Hey Rita...[His smile turns to a frown and he talks with a hushed voice]...uh, no I'm not hungry yet...well, if we get there by 5:30 I'm sure they'll honor it...
Stewie: Brian, is she calling dinner, supper?
Brian: [Still on the phone] So, uh-what're ya doing this afternoon?
Stewie: [Imitating an elderly woman's voice] Oh I'm just sorting out my pills for the week, sweetie.
Brian: [Still on the phone] Well you do that, and I'll be over a little later [He hangs up the phone]
Stewie: [Condescending noise] Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week? That little plastic thing with the 7 boxes? [Excited noise]
Brian: Actually, she just got back from the gym and she's jumping in the shower.
Stewie: ...she got a chair in that shower?
Brian: Shut up! [He leaves]
Stewie: [Calling out to Brian] Have archaeologists ever discovered Ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina... you know what, uh...that one was too wordy. That one was too wordy... that... that was... that was flawed from the ground up, it wasn't funny, and we'll work on it...and get back to you.

[Peter and Brian are in the hospital waiting room with Peter giving a word of advice]
Peter Griffin: Well, careful Brian. Sometimes the things you love can disappoint you. Like that Playboy issue.
[Cut to Peter, sitting on the couch, holding a Playboy in his hands]
Peter Griffin: Ah, here we go. Playboy's Women of the Olympics. [He opens the magazine] Wow those are some broad shoulders. [Turns the page] Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimmin'. [Turns the page] That...that...those are balls.

[Brian is tending to a bedridden Rita, when he looks at the pillow beside her which has Peter's facial features on it, recalling Peter's earlier offer of smothering her with a pillow to kill her]
Peter as a Pillow: Do it Brian. Do it. [Giggles] It's me as a pillow.

[Rita is lying in bed, and in the process of breaking up with Brian]
Rita: I'm sorry Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go.
Brian: But Rita...
Rita: Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
[Brian walks away and holds the key out in front of her dressing table]
Brian: Here?
Rita: No, the davenport- the chesterfield.
[Brian walks towards the ottoman and holds the key in front of it]
Brian: On this?
Rita: No- does that look like a divan to you?
[Brian slowly walks to the windowsill and places the keys on it, still holding on to it]
Brian: Here?
Rita: [Exasperated sigh] Leave 'em on the chifferobe.
Brian: You know what- [He chucks the keys on the bed] just take your fucking keys, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

[Charlie Brown is running up to a football, held by Lucy. Once Charlie is about to kick the football, Lucy pulls it away, sending Charlie to the ground, screaming as he falls. Peter then arrives]
Peter: Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! [Peter roundhouse kicks Lucy] YOU HEAR ME?!
Lucy: Yes!
Peter: DO YOU HEAR ME?! [Peter roundhouse kicks Lucy again]
Lucy: [sobbing] Yes!
[Peter beats up Lucy some more, to the point where she is crying and has a bloody nose]
Peter: And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it, you got that?! [Peter gets ready to kick Lucy again]
Lucy: [sobbing harder] Yes!
Peter: Go ahead, Charlie.
[Charlie goes off screen shortly, then comes back and kicks the football]
Charlie: Yay!
Peter: And you know what else? I did some checking around, you're not a licensed therapist! [delivers one final roundhouse kick to Lucy that knocks her to the ground] Road House.

Peter: Oh my God, Road House! [rushes up to cashier] I wanna buy this!
Cashier: Great. And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.
Peter: No, thank you.
Cashier: No charge.
Peter: I do not want it.
Cashier: But it's free, sir.
Peter: If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you. [walks off]
Cashier: Don't worry. Someday, someone will take you home for their very own.

Brian: We get along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
[Cut to Houston and Brown sitting up in bed]
Whitney & Bobby: You wanna smoke some crack? Ah! Oh, I love you.
Bobby: [angrily] Get the fucking crack!

Rita: I'm plugged up!

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