Peter: Believe me, I've been tryin'. That's why I went on that game show.
[Peter is seen on "Jeopardy!"]
Alex Trebek: For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: [buzzes] Diarrhea. [audience laughs] What? Oh, oh, oh, sorry, sorry. What is diarrhea?
Stewie: You! You seem to know the players in this poor reacted farce. What do they call that one? [points at Meg on front of an air conditioner]
Chris: That's Meg, dude, you know that.
Stewie: Meg! You vile smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things, do you understand me? Dirty, dirty girl.
Chris: I think I saw one of her nipples!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word, nipple. I'll chop that up to the heat, mister.
Brian: We can never go back to the way things were, not after the way I have been treated, not after what I have seen.
Chris: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Stewie: Silence, silence, silence. That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dead road as we speak. [jumping with joy] Let's get a kitty!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from Mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years.
Stewie: I'm on to you. Oh, yes! Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when...when...when there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then?
Brian: Oh, you just want to eat him up.
Meg: It is so hot out there!
Peter/Lois/Chris/Stewie/Brian: How hot is it?
Meg: I don't know, like... around 98, 99.
Peter: I don't get it.
Stewie: I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!
Lois: Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot.
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!
Chris: Yeah, well, you're hogging up all the ugly!
Lois: Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?
Peter: Not drugs, Lois. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform.
Lois: Well, those celebrities are wrong!
Peter: Lois! If Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right is.
[Liza Minnelli in her dressing room]
Stagehand: Two minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli!
Liza Minnelli: Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!
Blue M&M: Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!
[a dog comes up to Brian and sniffs his ass]
Brian: Do I know you?
[After Brian's brought home by a cop for not wearing a leash]
Peter: I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning, huh?
Cop: Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. The fine is $10. [to Brian] You behave, little fella, you hear me?
Brian: [in a slave voice] Oh, Lordy, Lordy, I'll never roam again! [in his normal voice] Jackass.
Peter: Hey, he's the law outside this house, just like I'm the law inside this house. And you better start obeying both of us.
Brian: Oh, look at you. Big man, can't even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family.
Peter: Jeez, what a bitch.
Diane Simmons: Good morning, Quahog! Well, the heat wave has finally broken, Tom.
Tom Tucker: It sure has, Diane. You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in New England, go back where you came from."
Diane Simmons: Uh, I don't think that's the expression.
Tom Tucker: Yeah, I guess I had one too many Bloody Marys this morning. But anyway...Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching.
Meg: Mmm. Something smells good.
Lois: Homemade cinnamon buns, fresh from the tube.
Pillsbury Doughboy: [giggling] Nothing says "I love you" like something from...[Lois gets a rolling pin] hey, what the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch?
Brian: I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross.
Peter: God, I hate this freakin' cat.
Councilman: Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words.
Peter: I'll give you each $20.
Councilman: Deal. He can go.
Brian: [after he licks Peter's face] If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.
Peter: Come on, everyone. That Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start.
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: Oh, Dad. That's your solution to everything.