Stewie: [to Lois] Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
Stewie: [while making out with a Miss Piggy doll] Look at me, having sex with a pig! I've become my father!
Lois: Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car!
Stewie: You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number!
Lois: I can't lose this case!
Peter: Lois, the case is already over!
[In a hospital room, Peter is unconscious]
Meg: Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.
Brian: Everyone I've told about the file is dead.
Meg: What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!
Brian: [as a waiter] Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself.
TV Announcer: Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things.
Bill Cosby: It's okay. Take your time. Then what happened?
Little Girl: He... he said he would kill me if I ever said anything.
Bill Cosby: Do you remember what he looked like?
Little Girl: Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
Bill Cosby: "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"
TV Announcer: If you have a child you'd like to exploit for a trip to Los Angeles why not have them try out for our show? Next auditions will be in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode Island.
Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darnest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.
Michael Eisner: [to Brian] See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
[While the Griffins are on the plane to Hollywood]
Man: Oh, great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What? What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, you can't hear me now? All right, that's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.
Jasper: Brian, they're your family. They'll love you even if you made a couple of crappy movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooh, score one for me!
Stewie: Does anyone else smell AstroGlide?
Stewie: Um, all right, one more. One more. Rob Lowe.