Stewie [to Lois as she's giving him a bath] Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

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Stewie [while making out with a Miss Piggy doll]: Look at me, having sex with a pig! I've become my father!

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Lois: Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car!

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Stewie: You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number!

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Lois: I can't lose this case!

Peter: Lois, the case is already over!

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[In a hospital room, Peter is unconscious; Meg and Lois are in the room]

Meg [to Lois]: Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.

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Brian: Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

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Meg: What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!

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Brian [as a waiter]: Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself.

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[On "Kids Say The Darndest Things" on TV]

TV Announcer: Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things.

Bill Cosby: It's okay. Take your time. Then what happened?

Little Girl: He... he said he would kill me if I ever said anything.

Bill Cosby: Do you remember what he looked like?

Little Girl: Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!

Bill Cosby: "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

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TV Announcer: If you have a child you'd like to exploit for a trip to Los Angeles why not have them try out for our show? Next auditions will be in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode Island.

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Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?

Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?

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Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darnest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

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Michael Eisner (to Brian): See you at Disneyland. (sternly) Bring money.

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[While the Griffins are on the plane to Hollywood]

Man: Oh, great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

Stewie: What? What did you just say?

Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.

Stewie: Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, you can't hear me now? All right, that's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. [crying] My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

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Jasper: Brian, they're your family. They'll love you even if you made a couple of crappy movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooh, score one for me!

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[on set of porn movie]

Stewie: Does anyone else smell AstroGlide?

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