- Stewie: [to Lois] Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
- Stewie: [while making out with a Miss Piggy doll] Look at me, having sex with a pig! I've become my father!
- Lois: Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car!
- Stewie: You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number!
- Lois: I can't lose this case!
- Peter: Lois, the case is already over!
- [In a hospital room, Peter is unconscious]
- Meg: Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.
- Brian: Everyone I've told about the file is dead.
- Meg: What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!
- Brian: [as a waiter] Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself.
- TV Announcer: Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things.
- Bill Cosby: It's okay. Take your time. Then what happened?
- Little Girl: He... he said he would kill me if I ever said anything.
- Bill Cosby: Do you remember what he looked like?
- Little Girl: Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
- Bill Cosby: "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"
- TV Announcer: If you have a child you'd like to exploit for a trip to Los Angeles why not have them try out for our show? Next auditions will be in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode Island.
- Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
- Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?
- Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darnest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.
- Michael Eisner: [to Brian] See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
- [While the Griffins are on the plane to Hollywood]
- Man: Oh, great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
- Stewie: What? What did you just say?
- Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
- Stewie: Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, you can't hear me now? All right, that's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch. My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.
- Jasper: Brian, they're your family. They'll love you even if you made a couple of crappy movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooh, score one for me!
- Stewie: Does anyone else smell AstroGlide?
- Stewie: Um, all right, one more. One more. Rob Lowe.
- Make-up Artist: Straight.
- Stewie: No!
- Make-up Artist: Yes.
- Stewie: Come on, stop!
- Make-up Artist: Ho-hum.
- Stewie: Pull over.
- Make-up Artist: Absolutely.
- Stewie: Really?
- Make-up Artist: Yes.
- Stewie: Oh, well, he hides it well.
- Make-Up Artist: Yeah, he wishes.
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