Stewie: [shoving his toy space ship in Peter's ear] Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you!
Peter: Stewie, get lost. Daddy's trying to watch the ball game.
Stewie: You can't talk. I've knocked out your communicaton systems.
Peter: [grabs Rupert] Hey, hey, look Stewie, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement. [in a high-pitched voice, voicing Rupert] Hey, hey, Stewie, I'm gonna go play down in the basement. [walking Rupert on the ground to the basement] Here I go. [singing] Do-do-do-do-do.
Stewie: [following them] What? Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement?
Peter: [voicing Rupert] I don't know, I just feel like there might be some fun stuff down there.
Stewie: I'm not following your logic. And why are you talking different than usual?
Peter: [opens the basement door and throws Rupert down the basement, voicing Rupert] Here I go.
Stewie: [running down the basement] Rupert, get back here.
[Peter closes the basement door]
Stewie: Rupert? [finds Rupert] Oh, there you are. [picks up Rupert] Wow, look at all the old stuff down here. [sees a box] Hello, what's this?
[Stewie opens a box labeled "BRIAN'S STUFF" and pulls out a script]
Stewie: [reading the title] "What I Learned on Jefferson Street. Written by H. Brian Griffin." Oh, yes.
[While everbody is having breakfast, Stewie throws Brian's script in front of Lois]
Lois: [picks up Brian's script] What's this?
Brian: [grabs the script from Lois] What the hell...Where the hell did this come from?
Lois: What is it, Brian?
Brian: It's the first thing I ever wrote. It's a script for a television show, a drama.
Peter: I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws, except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws, so the guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws. I call it Big Jaws
Brian: God, I haven't looked at this in years. [flipping through his script] I don't even remember if it's any good or not. [looking at his script] Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, this is all coming back to me. You know, this actually not too bad a piece of work. This was...this was kind of deep as I recall. You know, Lois, you-you might actually be interested in reading this.
[waves the script to Lois, Lois didn't respond and continues eating]
Brian: You-you...you might actually...you-you might like this.
[Lois still ignores Brian's script]
Brian: You should look at it.
[Brian pokes Lois's nose six times]
Lois: [taking the script, angrily] All right, damn it!
[Lois is sitting on the living room couch, Brian walks in]
Brian: So, have you read the script yet?
Lois: Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, I haven't gotten around to it.
Brian: Why not now, you know? Just get it off your plate.
Lois: Oh, gosh, you know what? I don't even know what I did with the copy that you ga...[Brian hands her his script] Oh, fuck there it is.
Brian: Hey, you know what else would be great? Why...why don't you put check marks next to scenes you like?
Lois: Well, I don't have a...
Brian: [pulls out a pen] Here's a pen. You know, I'll...I'll just leave it for you right here.
Lois: Okay. Thank you, Brian.
Brian: Hey, you know what I'll do to make it even easier? I'll just go ahead and place this in your hand. [places the pen in her hand] There we are. And now when you go, "Oh, where's that crazy pen?" Well, there it is. It's in your hand.
Lois: Brian, I'm not gonna read this with you standing here.
Brian: Oh, it's okay, I don't mind.
Lois: Go for a ride in the car?
Brian: [gasps, runs to the car and gets inside] COME ON!!
[In the kitchen, Brian is drinking coffee with Stewie in the room]
Brian: Why the hell's it taking her so long to read that thing?
Stewie: I don't know, I aw her giving Joe notes on his pilot this morning.
Lois: [walking in with Brian's script] Brian, your script...
[Brian looks worried about Lois's response]
Lois: It was enchanting. This Brian Griffin--I've never met this Brian Griffin. I would have told you last night, but I was 100% sure you ripped it off. But after spending the last 18 hours on the Internet and in libraries trying to find traces of it somewhere, I couldn't find thing.
Brian: Well, I...I'm ...I'm so happy you liked it.
Lois: Look, I don't want to get your hopes up, but Daddy's got some connections over at CBS, and I think he could help you get this on TV.
Brian: That's amazing, Lois! Thank you!
Lois: Oh, I am very proud of you.
Brian: My God, a TV pilot.
Stewie: Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler after he wrote Mein Kampf.
[cut to Hitler with a publisher]
Publisher: Well, we read it and we don't like it.
Hiter: [dejected sigh]
Publisher: We love it!
[They both laugh]
Hiter: You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!
[Chris sneaks into Meg's bedroom and reads Meg's diary]
Chris: [reading the diary] "Dear Diary, still no sign of that tampon from last week, but the headaches are getting worse."
[Meg walks into her room and gasp when she sees Chris reading her diary]
Meg: Chris, what are you doing?! Give me that!
[Meg tries to get her diary back from Chris who is keeping it away from her while laughing tauntingly. Meg chases Chris out her room. Meanwhile Stewie walks out his room with a small shopping cart]
Stewie: Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries.
[As Chris is being chase by Meg, he knocks Stewie down the stairs. Chris and Meg both and check on Stewie]
Chris: [gasps] Do you think he's okay?
Meg: I don't know. You idiot, this is your fault.
Chris: My fault? You were the one chasing me.
Meg: You were the one reading my diary.
Lois: [off-screen] Kids, breakfast.
Meg: What do we do?
Chris: Is he breathing?
Meg: It...it looks like it. That's a good sign, right?
[at the CBS studio]
Jeremy the CBS executive: Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt with you.
Brian: [worried] Yeah?
CBS executive #1: We love this pilot!
Brian: Oh, my God, [laughs] I felt like Hitler just then.
CBS executive #1: What?
Brian: It was a joke. I just...I just said I felt like Hitler.
[the two executive looked at Brian serious]
Brian: What? Nobody here's Jewish, right?
Jeremy: Uh, gee, I don't know, [turns his head revealing he has a large beak-like nose] are you Jewish, Gordon?
Gordon the CBS executive: Gee, I don't know, Jeremy, [turns his head revealing he has a large beak-like nose] are you?
Brian: I...I had no idea. I'm...I'm sorry.
Jeremy: Hey, Brian. We're both Italian. [laughs] You're in.
[Brian sigh with relief, then high five Jeremy and shakes Gordon hand while laughing]
Brian: That's good one. That's a good one.
Chorus: Italians...are not Jews!
[later that night, Chris and Meg are in Stewie's room with Stewie unconscious in his crib]
Meg: Chris, I'm worried. Stewie's still unconscious.
Chris: Maybe he's just sleeping.
Lois: [entering Stewie's room] Is Stewie in here?
[Chris and Meg quickly turn around and try to hide Stewie]
Lois: Well, can you give him to me? It's time for his dinner.
Chris: Oh, don't worry, Mom, we'll bring him down. Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.
Lois: Well, you could always grab the vacuum and clean up the living room floor.
Chris: Oh sure, I'll take care of that. Are you, uh, running off to your job?
[Lois is setting the table for dinner with Peter and Brian already at the table]
Lois: Kids, what is taking so long? Dinner's ready.
[Chris and Meg walks in with Stewie wearing a cowboy hat that covers his head and eyes. They're holding his hands and tied a cloth around their leg with Stewie's leg to making it look like Stewie is walking]
Lois: Oh, look at my little cowboy.
Meg: [places Stewie in his high chair] Come on, Stewie, up in your high chair.
[Stewie head falls down on his food]
Chris: Boy, he must be starving. [nervous chuckle]
Meg: Yeah, he's really chowing down.
Chris: [set Stewie up straight] Hey, how's the food, Stewie? [moving Stewie and voicing him in a cockney accent] Oy, blimey, it's right delicious, I do declare. Wacka wacka.
Lois: Brian, have you decided who's gonna star in your show?
Brian: Well, it's a tough role. I mean, Byron is a 25-year-old single father going back to finish college so he can do right by his 4-year-old daughter. So it's got to be somebody who can project a certain amount of world-wizened spohistication, while at the same time retaining a certain youthfully passionate idealism.
Peter: You know who'd be good? Big Jaws.
Brian: Actually, in my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role: Elijah Wood.
Chris: [voicing Stewie in cockney accent] Oh, Elijah Wood. I got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.
[Peter pulls out a turkey leg from the turkey]
Peter: Oh, oh, look, Lois, [pulls out the wishbone from the turkey] wishbone. [Lois grabs the wishbone] Okay, ready? One, two, three.
[they pull and Peter got the bigger piece]
Peter: Yes! [gasps] I got five seconds.
[Peter leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a hammer and nails. He hammers down the chair he sat on and sits on it as everything, including his family, flies up to the ceiling]
Peter: Hah! No gravity.
[at the CBS studio, Brian walks into a room full of executives]
Todd Goldstein: There he is!
[everybody claps for Brian]
Brian: Oh, go on. No, really, go on.
Todd: Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein, senior executive of programming here at the network. We are so happy, to be working with you.
Female Executive: [holding up Brian's script] I hope you brought the magic wand you wrote this with.
Brian: Yep, [pulls out a pen] it's right here. Watch, I'll turn this beautiful princess into a toad. [touches the Female Executive with his pen] Bing.
Female Executive: Ribbit.
Brian: Oh, all right, I can tell this is gonna be a fun process.
Todd: You know, Brian, you've spun gold into these pages, and it's our job to bring that gold to the screen. So, what do you say we get this casting session started, huh?
Brian: Let's do it.
Todd: Okay, now obviously, we love Elijah Wood for the part of Byron as much as you do. The audition is just a formality. Let's bring him in.
Man: Elijah? [opens the door for Elijah]
Elijah Wood: [entering the room] Hi, everyone.
[everybody greets him]
Todd: Hey, Elijah, how are you?
Female Executives: How you doing?
Elijah: So should I just jump into this?
Female Executives: Whenever you're ready.
Brian: Okay, I'll read you in, Elijah. Now, this is the scene where Byron's professor fails him for missing the chemistry midterm to take his daughter to the doctor. [reading from the script] I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an automatic failure.
Elijah: [from the script] Go ahead, Professor Watkins, fail me if you want. Give me an "F" on the exam. I don't care because I got an "A" today...as a dad. Maybe this is news to you, but love isn't some element on your periodic table. [Brian mouth every word Elijah said] So, you know what? Keep you chromium and magnesium, because I discovered a much more precious element. I discovered Dadmium.
Brian: [claps] Wow. Does that audition come with a box of tissues? That was a great read.
Elijah: Thanks, everybody. [Elijah leaves]
Brian: I mean, come on. How great is he?
Todd: Wow. He's amazing. That's our guy.
Female Executives: That's our Byron.
Brian: Great. Then we're good to go.
Todd: Look, since we're playing with house money, we do have one more guy.
Todd: Oh, don't worry. He's not Byron. Somebody upstairs threw out a name, got real excited about it, so we're just playing the game.
Brian: Okay, so who?
James Woods: [running in the room] Hey, what's up, douche bags? I'm here to audition for this stupid pilot.
[everybody, except Brian, laughs]
Brian: James Woods?
Todd: Thanks for coming in, Jimmy. Do you need a copy of the scene?
James: Nah, I got it memorized. Just like your wife's phone number.
[everybody, except Brian, laughs]
Female Executives: No, he didn't!
James: I do, though. I have it memorized.
Brian: Wait a second. I don't want this guy anywhere near this show! He's been harassing my family for years! He stalked my best friend and then he stole his identity!
[everybody, except Brian, laughs]
Todd: Oh, my God. That's an episode!
Female Executives: Brian, will you read him in?
Brian: [sighs] I'm sorry, Byron, missing the midterm is an auotmatic failure.
James: Hey, science face, I got an "F" for you. It stands for "Fuck you."
[everybody, except Brian, laughs]
Female Executives: There he is!
James: Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element. [James Woods farts]
[everybody, except Brian, laughs]
James: Okay, thanks a lot, everybody. I got to go. I got some school bus seats to sniff. [James leaves]
[everybody, except Brian, laughs]
Female Executives: Seriously, stop it!
Todd: Okay, did everyone else feel that?
Male Executive: I felt it.
Female Executives: Oh, I felt it, too.
Male Executive #2: I felt whatever the most senior executive in this room felt.
Todd: Okay, good. So we all felt it.
Brian: Wait, you're not seriously considering him, are you? James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25-years-old
Female Executives: I know, I know. But what if he wasn't?
Brian: What? But he is.
Female Executives: ...n't.
Brian: My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show.
Todd: It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.
James: [returns back] You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.
[In one of the stages]
Todd: [introducing the director to Brian] This is Rob, our director.
Rob: Hey, Brian. Really looking forward to making your show.
Brian: What's, uh, wha...what's with all those empty seats?
Rob: Well, that's where the audience is gonna sit.
Brian: Audience? This isn't a sitcom. It's a drama.
Female Executives: Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom.
Brian: It's...It's...It's not supposed to be funny. It's a serious drama about a single father raising his 4-year-old daughter.
Todd: Oh, right. That's the other thing. Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it. She's 18.
Todd: It was James Woods's idea and we thought it was just the right hook. I mean, how great is that? A father and a daughter, both in college together?
Young Woman: [walks in] Hey, do you guys think this outfit is too revealing?
James: [walks in] What...what do you think, Brian? I mean what..what do you think of the ta-tas you know what I mean? Can we do better? I think we can do better, right?
Brian: Who is this? Where'd you get this girl?
James: Oh, by the way, I need a chimp sidekick.
[at the Griffin's house, Chris and Meg are in the bathroom. Chris is cleaning Stewie's injured head]
Meg: Maybe we should take him to the hospital. I think the maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel.
[the maggots fly out of Stewie's head in their rocket]
Chris: We just gotta clean the wound, Meg. Hand me that scrub brush.
[Meg hands Chris the scrub brush and Chris starts scrubbing his wound]
Peter: [entering the bathroom] Hey, Chris.
Chris: Hey...Hey, Dad.
[Chris dunk Stewie in the bathtub and but floats up]
Peter: So, question: How long has Stewie been unconscious?
Meg: Oh my God, Chris, he knows! Dad, I am so sorry. We should have told somebody but we were too scared, and...and...and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but Chris wouldn't let me.
Peter: Good, Chris. I've taught you well. You've got the right instincts. [pulls out a pen and notepad] When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so, sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up, and eventually it all works out. [hands Meg a piece of paper] Meg, this is a list of hats. I need those by 4:00.
Chris: Good idea. One of those those hats would have helped him at the park today.
[cut to Meg, reading a book, and Stewie, wearing a coonskin cap, are in the park]
Meg: Chris, did you put a coonskin cap on Stewie?
Chris: No, why?
[the coonskin cap is revealed to be a live raccoon and starts biting and pulling Stewie's head flesh]
Chris: [walking in, laughs] They look like little robbers.
[in Stage 5, everybody is prepared to watch the taping Brian's new pilot]
Todd: Hey, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes!
[everybody, except Brian, cheers and applause]
Brian: Wait a minute. That's not the title. It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street.
Female Executives: Yeah, it didn't make a lot of sense now that he lives on Boner Street.
[starting the show]
Hillary's friend: Okay, Hillary, you know the bet. You have to sleep with the next guy that walks through that door.
Hillary: Got it.
[James Woods walks in the door with some suitcases]
Hillary: You're in college?
James: You're my new college roommate?!
Hillary: We're gonna be living together?
James: In the same dorm?
Hillary: For the whole year?!
James: With my chimp sidekick?!
[a chimpanzee walks in, the audience laughs and cheers]
Todd: Brian, they love it.
Brian: Wha...What is this? This isn't my script. What the hell'd you do to it?!
Todd: And I've got great news for you. We just got an e-mail from the network heads. They want to pick up Class Holes! for 22 episodes!
Todd: Yeah, aren't you thrilled?
Brian: I, uh...I'm not sure.
James: Hey, guys, the chimp just ripped the other girl's boob off. Please tell me you got that on camera.
[later at night, Lois prepared a party to celebrate Brian's new show. Joe, Bonnie, and Quagmire are at the party to watch Brian's new show]
Brian: Lois, I...I wish you hadn't gone through all this trouble.
Lois: Are you kidding? I'm so excited. From the first time I read that script, I just knew it was gonna make it on TV. I could see it.
Brian: Well, yeah, I mean, but the real victory is just having a show make it to TV. I mean, we almost don't even need to watch. [notices something] Hey, what's the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here?
[the camera moves to the cast of Two and a Half Men]
Charlie Sheen: Well, you're always saying our show sucks. Let's see yours.
Lois: Come on, Peter! Come on, kids! The show's about to start!
[Meg, Chris, and Peter walk down stairs with Peter holding Stewie with a top hat on, eyeballs and eyelashes painted on his eyelids, and has a bent clothes hanger controlling his right arm]
Peter: [holding Stewie] I'm coming. I was just gettin' Stewie. All right, got the little guy up from his nap. Say hello to everyone, Stewie.
[Peter uses the clothes hanger to make Stewie wave his hand. Lois, Bonnie, and Joe goes "Aww"]
Lois: Oh, oh, look, everybody. It's starting.
Theme song: There was a man/He dropped out/Now he's back/He had a daughter/Now she's in college with him.
James: What a pain in my class!
[everybody continued watching the show in anger and annoyance, Brian watches it in pain, canned laughter can be heard on the TV]
Hillary: Well, Dad, I owe you an apology. You said you'd win that talent show and you did. Now everyone's doing the Charleston.
James: Not everyone. Someone's doing The Monkey.
[Mr. Nubbins, James's chimp sidekick, dances The Monkey as music plays in the background]
Hillary & James: Mr. Nubbins.
James: Well, if you can't beat 'em...
[Hillary and James does The Monkey with Mr. Nubbins. Then the credit begins with "Created By Brian Griffin" appearing first. Lois turns off the TV]
Brian: So, uh...what'd you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right?
[Stewie falls off Peter's lap]
Brian: Oh, ha-ha.
Chris:: Time for bed, Stewie.
[Chris grabs Stewie's leg and he and Meg runs up the stairs as Chris drag Stewie up the stairs]
Brian: So, really, everybody, what...what'd you think?
Joe: You want to know what I think?
Brian: Well, yeah.
Joe: [jumps out of his wheelchair towards Brian trying to strangle him] You son of a bitch! It's a travesty!
Bonnie: Oh my God, Joe, stop it!
Joe: And I will kill you!
[Peter grabs Joe's arms and Quagmire grabs Joe's legs as Joe tries to struggle]
Peter: Okay, okay. Come on, Joe
Joe: You bastard, we hired a sitter for this!
Quagmire: All right, get him out of him. Okay, come on.
Peter: Come on, come on Joe!
Bonnie: Guys, keep his anus above his head!
Quagmrie: [trying to control Joe] Okay, okay.
Peter: All right, all right. [opens the door]
Quagmire: Okay, careful. Careful, Peter.
[Joe pulls out his gun and fires two shots at Brian but misses as Peter and Quagmire moves him out the house]
Peter: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Brian: Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault. There-there were so many people interfering. Of course it's gonna be bad.
Lois: I'm not disappointed because it was bad. I'm disappointed because you sold out. You had something really special there, Brian. You had a vision and you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself.
Brian: Lois, what was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get cancelled.
Lois: Well, at least then you would have had your integrity.
[Brian walks into a CBS office after "Class Holes" makes its debut.]
Brian: You guys wanted to see me?
Todd: Look, Brian, we're really excited about the ratings. We're just really disappointed with how low they are.
Female executive: We did some testing this morning, and we think we've discovered the problem. People want something more real, more grounded.
Brian: That's exactly what I think, too. We need to get back to the original script. Byron wants to do right by his daughter, and I think that everyone can relate to that. That's what America wants to see. The simple love within a family that conquers all and makes life worth living.
James Woods: What if I'm a cop and the chimp is my reincarnated partner?
James Woods: And every month, he's got a story for why he doesn't have his half of the rent.
Brian: I'm not doing this!
Todd: What do you mean, you're not doing it?
Brian: I'm drawing the line. I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me, and you guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm not selling out anymore. I quit.
[Brian walks out of the office]
James Woods: Do you guys have a studio lawyer or something, 'cause I banged that chick, and I think she is well under 18 years old.
[Peter, Chris, and Meg are in the kitchen with Stewie who still remain unconscious and with a bloody bandage on his head on Chris's lap]
Peter: All right, he's not waking up. I think we gotta take these bandages off and see what we're dealin' with here.
[Peter removes the bandage from Stewie revealing the cut became bigger showing his brain and flies buzzing around it]
Peter: Oh, crap, you smell that? That's brain smell.
Meg: Okay, I don't care what you say. He's really hurt, and I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'm taking him to the hospital.
Peter: No, no. I got one last play, Meg.
[Peter sees Lois getting in the car. Peter quickly grab Stewie and runs outside and throws Stewie under the car while Lois is backing up]
Lois: [getting out of the car and see she had ran over Stewie] Oh, my God, Stewie! Oh, God! What have I done?!
Peter: Looks like you ran over him, Lois.
Lois: Oh, no! He's unconscious! Peter, Peter, we have to cover this up!
Peter: Yeah, but...What?!
Lois: Let's put a hat on him to cover the wound, and...and then let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids and find a way to pin this on someone else.
Peter: I love you so much right now. Let's go to the hospital.
[during the credits, in the living room with the Griffins except Stewie]
Lois: Well, Brian, I'm proud of you. You went in there and you stood up for what you believed in.
Brian: Yeah, and now I don't have a TV show anymore.
Lois: Oh, who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity and that's what matters.
Brian: Well, I suppose you're right. And hey, at least I got something on the air. I mean, not everyone can say that.
Peter: [clears throat]
Announer: [on TV] We now return to Big Jaws.
[on the TV, Jaws is already eating a boat with two fishermen fight him]
Fisherman: Aah! Stop eating our boat Jaws!
Jaws: Rrr. I'm gonna eat your boat, and then I'm gonna eat you guys!
[the camera zooms out revealing a bigger Jaws jumping out of the water]
Bigger Jaws: Rarr!
Jaws: Oh, my God, what's that?
Fisherman: It's Bigger Jaws!
Jaws: Oh, my God! Now we have a common enemy. We have to work together.
[back to the Griffins]
Peter: I already got a sequel in mind. It's called Way Bigger Jaws.
[Stewie walks in the living room with a bandage on his head]
Stewie: Hey, I just found out it's November! What the fuck happened?!