Brian: [Peter has just woken up] Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter?
Peter: Aw, Brian, last night I had this crazy dream I was eating a sheep, and now my pillow's gone. Oh, here it is. What the hell was I eating?
[A half eaten sheep appears, dragging itself in pain, leaving blood behind and bleating]
Peter: Oh, sorry.

Peter: See ya, Lois. Oh and, like I tell you every day, if I return in the middle of the afternoon and you have sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

Brian: [reading a newspaper] Huh. "Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID".

Meg: Mom, Dad ... I am a lesbian.
Peter: That Is AWESOME. .

[Peter almost runs over Brian]
Peter: Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy!

Stewie: [about Brian] Uhh, if he dies, I'll have to hang out with the Rock again.
Don LaFontaine: [shot of Stewie] One's a baby [shot of Dwayne Johnson] and the other's ... black ... I think. At least part black. Or ... Hispanic, I think, you know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he...if he's black it's definitely diluted. I mean, one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were 40 years younger, I would plow that 'til next July.

[When Peter refuses to eat the dinner Lois made]
Lois: You know, some people would be very happy to have this food. Like John Goodman's family.
[Goodman himself has their entire Thanksgiving feast piled in front of him and is shoveling food into his mouth]
John Goodman's Son: Please, Daddy.
John Goodman: I told you; when I'm finished, you can have what's left!
John Goodman's Son: There won't be any left. There's never any left.
[Goodman's wife reaches for the massive mound of mashed potatoes in front of him, only to get stabbed in the hand with a fork]
John Goodman's Wife: [Gasps and winces in pain as she holds her hand] Happy Thanksgiving.

Stewie: Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop ... but it's stuck.

Stewie: What am I supposed to do to kill time? I know. I'll play 52 Pickup. [flicks 52 cards and throws them on the floor] Uhh, this would be more fun if there was someone else around because then they would say, "I'm not picking up those cards." And then I'd say, "You have to. It's 52 Pickup." Then they would say, "What if I just leave them there?" And I'd say, "Those are my father's cards, you can't just leave them there. He's gonna be mad." Where am I?

Chris: [seeing Meg looking rather butch] Mom, why is the cable guy here?

Lois: Meg, I think you're simply trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of jury duty.
Peter: Awful lot of honkies in here.

Stewie: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

Lois: Brian, this is unacceptable!
Peter: Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie?!
Stewie: Oh, and my ear's in a cup, so I guess that doesn't count.

Stewie: Y'know, it's alright, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything, I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

Peter: I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit!
Gene Shalit: Don't...Panic Room. I'm not going to...William Hurt you. I only want your...Tango & Cash. So just...Pay It Forward, and we'll all be...Happy Gilmore.
Peter: What?

Frank Sinatra Jr.: Where the hell is Brian?
Stewie: I don't know, but we can't just stay around here and watch infomercials.
Asian Guy: Hello. How come I rich and you not? How come you not sell real estate like I do? How come I sleep with your wife while you at work? And then I pee in your toilet and don't flush. And sometimes I open the back part and I pee in there, so that when you flush, pee come out. You know why? Cause I'm smart. I'm smart, you stupid. Call now!

Lois: [to Meg] My God, you're as transparent as your father was when he pretended to be a Hasidic Jew to get off work.
Peter: Good morning, Hebrews and She-brews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, y'know, I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.

Sarah: You're gonna choose to be straight?
Meg: I thought being gay wasn't a choice.
Sarah: Well, not for guys.

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