Stewie: Bend down mother.
Lois: Yes honey...
Stewie: [slaps Lois] how dare you soil my good name by spreading your slanderous filth.

Stewie: Lois, it's look like Puddles has done it again. Goodness, he has wet everything. Hahaha

Peter: So what the hell, Brian? You cured yet? 'Cuz you know I don't want to live in a house with plastic on the furniture like some Italian family.
Brian: My therapist thinks he has figured out what my problem is.
Peter: Oh yeah. What does Sigmond Fraud think it is?
Brian: He... um, he thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh my God...You can talk!
Brian: [looks at Peter during a long pause] Never mind.

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Brian: Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King?!
Dean Koontz: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
Brian: Oh.

Meg: Eww! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!
Brian: [feigning] No.
Lois: Oh, this has got to stop.
[Meg sniffs Rupert, who was lying in the urine]
Meg: God, it smells gross.
Brian: Well, Princess, I don't see anybody dabbing yours behind their ears.

Dr. Kaplan: I'd like to pat you, Brian. Would that be okay?
[Brian nods, Dr. Kaplan proceeds to pat him]
Dr. Kaplan: You're a good dog, Brian. A very good dog.
Brian: Keep it above the waist, Doc.

Brian: Okay, just to be clear, we were talking about me being in love with you and you rejecting me, right?
Lois: Yes.
Brian: I'm just making sure. [leaves but comes back again] Say we were both drunk and we knew we wouldn't remember...
Lois: Well, I'd have to be really, really...No!

Lois: Stewie, did you unhook Mommy's bra?

Bob Barker: This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die, already.

[A parody of the ending credits on "The Jetsons"]
George Jetson: Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help!
[George comes into the house all beaten up]
Jane Jetson: Oh, my God! George!
George Jetson: Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy Jetson: Dad, are you...
George Jetson: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy Jetson: But what happened?
George Jetson: Go to your room! For 45 minutes, I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane Jetson: I'm sorry.
George Jetson: Oh, "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed!

Lois: Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training.
Peter: Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
[Scene goes to the Lindbergh baby being potty trained]
Mrs. Lindbergh: Charles, he's only 6 months old.
Charles Lindbergh: Honey, would you relax? God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...[The baby flushes himself down the toilet] Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.
Mrs. Lindbergh: What about Amelia? [scene goes to Amelia Earhart looking shocked] She saw everything!
Charles Lindbergh: You leave her to me.

[Peter is at the bookstore looking for potty-training books]
Peter: Yeah, I'm looking for toilet-training books.
Bookstore Clerk: Oh, yes. We can help you there. Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You.
Peter: Huh. Well, see, we're Catholic, so...
Bookstore Clerk: Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.
Peter: Perfect!

Meg: Then, Brittany and Amber were like, "Let's go to the mall." And I was like, "Okay, I'll go to the mall." But then Amber wasn't gonna go, so I went to the mall. And you're not gonna believe it, they both showed up!
Peter: Hold on, Meg, Meg. I'm sorry. That is a really boring story.

Brian: Lois, did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be?
Lois: Oh. Oh, God. Sometimes it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes we should cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship, let's say like the one you and I share that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world.
Brian: Someone like me wouldn't change it for anything in the world either.
Lois: I'm glad.

Peter: So she dumped you, huh? Ah, the hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.

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