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Brian the Closer/Quotes

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Man: Today's feature presentation of Glory will not be seen.
Peter: What? Aw, I love that movie. Aw man, that's gonna leave a big hole in their line-up. What's gonna fill the Glory-hole?
Man: In place of Glory, we will be showing Shaft starring Richard Roundtree.
Peter: What? You can't just shove Shaft in the Glory-hole.

[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]
Brian: Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there.
Bonnie: Uh, huh. Can you open the sliding door?
[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]
Bonnie: I'll take it.

[Stewie finds Brian hiding from Quagmire in his toy box]
Stewie: Brian, what are you doing?
Brian: I'm hiding from Quagmire for a few more hours. After that, he won't be able to pull out of that deal.
Stewie: Well, if anybody knows how to "pull out," it's Quagmire.

Peter: Just gimme the rope! Nobody has to get hurt, Brian. [crashes into a bicyclist] Only one person has to get hurt.

Brian: [injured because of Peter's greed] Dammit Peter, what were you thinking? This has to be the stupidest thing you've ever done!
Peter: No Brian, the stupidest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.

Chris: This is the craziest meal I've had since I had lunch at Tommy Sullivan's house. [cut to said incident] Very good macaroni and cheese, Mrs. Sullivan.
Mrs. Sullivan: Thank you, Chris.
[cut back to the present]
Peter: That was just awful, Chris.
Lois: Terrible!
Peter: He is not ready for flashbacks.
Lois: No, he is not.

Peter: [about Dumb Beaver] We use him just the right amount.

Lois: [with gargantuan breasts] I don't know what happened. I told the doctor C cups.
Peter: I told him something else.
Dumb Beaver: I think he did a "dam" good job.
Peter: Okay, now we've use him too much.

Peter: [about Prescott Towers] The ceiling is a pool! The ceiling is a pool! Quagmire, you gotta get this!

Peter: [shoving scissors up his nose at a meeting] Hey guys? I gotta leave. I got a nosebleed and, uh, I don't work here.

Peter: Never judge a book by its cover. Or a movie. [cut to him punching a movie titled "Funny People"] No!

Quagmire: You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.
Brian: [sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.
Quagmire: No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
Brian: No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I really needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!
Quagmire: You son of a bitch!

Lois: I guess that's it for you and real estate, huh Brian?
Brian: Yeah, it was a lot tougher than I thought.
Lois: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, it's real hard bein' a real estate agent. I mean, you gotta be able to count bathrooms.
Peter: I once beat a real estate agent in a game of chess. Me! A well-known buffoon!

Brian: Come on, guys, gimme a break. I had a rough day.
Meg: You've had a rough day? You guys wouldn't believe the day I've had. First of all, I didn't have any clean underwear this morning, so I had to wear a bathing suit. Then I missed the bus, of course, then it looked like it was gonna start to rain. Luckily it didn't, and like that wasn't enough, then we had a pop quiz in history. [Peter forces scissors up his nose] Oh, European history, American history was last year. Then...

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