Lois: It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp.

[Peter and Lois are in a passionate embrace on the sofa]
Stewie: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Robert Loggia: Eight fucking hours later!

Peter: I'll be on the lookout for great tits.
Lois: Peter!
Brian: Actually, Lois, that's a species of bird that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses.

Peter: Hey Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some great tits. Cause there certainly ain't any in here!
Chris: Remember those two we saw last night? One was bigger than the other!
Peter: Yeah, and the bigger one had a hair sticking out of that pointy thing. What do you call that pointy thing again?
Chris: The beak?
Peter: Oh, okay.

Lois: We have no money!
Peter: Well that's okay, Lois. We got a wonderful family.
Lois: No, we don't. There's Meg, and Dummy, and Bighead.

[Lois and Mort talk via phone]
Lois: Hi. My name's... Classy. What can I do for you, hotstuff?
Mort: Ooh, hi, Classy. Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse?
Lois: I have a purse.
Mort: Oh, oh baby. I want you to take the money out and count it really slowly.
Lois: Okay. One.
Mort: Ooh! That's nice!
Lois: Two.
Mort: Oh! Oh my!
Lois: I'm sorry, the next bill I have in here is a ten.
Mort: Oh! Oh I love you! All that and everything!

Lois: There's a lot of crazy things I let Peter get away with. I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase.
[Cut to Peter drawn anime style]
Peter: Hey Lois, me make drive time to Super Fun Clam with Noble Quagmire and Wheel Monster Joe. Go force!

Peter: Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart.

Peter: I love you too, Lois. By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute because our phone bill was $7,000.

Lois: Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!

Peter: Aw, that beef bowl is wreckin' me. My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea.
[Cutaway to outside the house. A fart is heard and the house explodes]
Peter [offscreen] Brown House.