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Carter and Tricia/Quotes

< Carter and Tricia

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Lois: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?
Brian: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing.

Joe: I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.
Brian: But, can't you at least just give me a ride?
Joe: No can do, Amigo.
Brian: Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.
[Brian calls an Uber and Joe's phone rings]
Joe: Are you Brian?

Co-Worker: Goodnight, Peter.
Peter: Goodnight, gender transitioned co-worker, we had a whole meeting about.

Tricia: Peter, are you sure you heard Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly? He actually said he wanted cheap, toxic materials inserted into the Brewery supply stream?
Peter: Well, his eyes looked different, how he said it, but that was the gist.

Tricia: Mr. Griffin, it sounds like you've brought me an interesting story. What should I do with it, Ollie?
Ollie: MAKE IT NEWS!
Peter: Oh, you've got a standing desk too?
Ollie: SITTING'S BAD!
Peter: I know, they don't wanna hear it though.

Peter: I swear, Mama Tricia. I'm gonna make you the proudest tiger mom of all. Not like how Jesus feels about his kid.
[Cutaway to Jesus and his son, Billy]
Billy: Dad, I got bullied at school. They flipped up my lunch tray.
Jesus: Oh, that sucks. I wonder if that's the worst thing that ever happened to a guy. [takes out a Bible] Whoa. Whoa! Billy, this guy in the book here, he's really getting the business. Yikes! Okay, I'm sorry, what happened at school today?
Billy: You're kind of a dick, dad.
Jesus: Huh, I wonder if there's anyone in here, whose dad was a bigger dick. Wow, crazy!

Tricia: Alright, Peter. It's time to master the game of chess.
Peter: Okay, that shouldn't be too hard.
[Peter tries grabbing a chess piece and Tricia slaps him]
Tricia: No! You will do it in the traditional Japanese way. On a wacky game show, while a beautiful woman beats your scrotum with a reed.
[Cutaway to Peter on a game show, and getting beaten with a reed]
Peter: Ow! I don't know which way the horse goes! [Peter gets hit again and a guy laughs at him] Aaah! Why is that guy laughing at me and where is he?
[A buzzer goes off]
Peter: There was a time limit? Nobody told me that!
Japanese Guy: Time for Good Door Bad Door!
Peter: Wait, how bad is the bad door?
[Fast forward to many years later, Peter is an old amputee, talking to his son]
Peter's Son: Grandpa-san, how bad was the bad door?
Peter: Not too bad, but shorty afterwards, I was almost eaten alive by an escalator.
[Buzzer goes off]
Peter: The game is still going on?
Japanese Guy: Oh, ho, ho. You lose chess.

[Stewie is teaching Brian how to drive]
Stewie: IPDE, Brian, IPDE!
Brian: What?
Stewie: IPDE! Identify, predict, decide, execute. You've got to constantly be IPDEing everything in your target zone.
Brian: I ... I ... I ... I don't know what you're saying.
Stewie: IPDE! Identify, predict, ...
Brian: Yeah, you said that but it doesn't mean any ...
Stewie: IPDE THAT!
Brian: Um, it's a child with a ball.
Stewie: Very good, identify. Now predict.
Brian: Predict what?
Stewie: IPDE!
Brian: You keep saying that like it's a word. Those four letters don't make a word. It's not helping me remember anything.
Stewie: Oh, now you've got an oncoming vehicle. Pay attention to your four to six second zone.
Brian: What? What is that? Four to six second?
Stewie: IPDE the car. IPDE the car!
Brian: What does that mean?
Stewie: Now, check your gages with one eye, while keeping your other eye on the road.
Brian: My eyes go in the same direction.
Stewie: What's your tire pressure?
Brian: I ... I can't ... I don't ... I'm in the car!
Stewie: Stop! [Brian stops the car] Demerit!
Brian: Stewie, I know how to drive. I've been driving for years!
[Another guy drives by]
Guy: Ever hear of IPDE, jackass!?

[Peter craps, orgasms, and barfs, while wearing a suit]
Peter: Aw, crap. THis thing was a rental.
[Cutaway to Peter rushing into the store, throwing the tux in there, and leaving in a hurry]
Peter: Here's your tux back, bye!

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