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- Doctor: This is quite a miracle Mr. Griffin, would you like to have a look?
- Peter: Yeah y'know, I've never seen a live baby being...oh God!
- Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? [double clap] A little service here!
- Manager of Cheesie Charlie's: If the kids have enough tickets, they get a prize.
- Timmy: I have 13 tickets, now. Is that enough?
- Man behind the counter: Oh, sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.
- [Enter Peter, riding an elephant in the backyard, during Stewie's party]
- Peter: Hey, look, Lois! The 2 symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.
- Brian: Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.
- Peter: Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.
- Chris: It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar, and you win four quarters. I win every time!