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Death Is a Bitch/Quotes

< Death Is a Bitch

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Meg: Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast and he turned out OK.
Lois: Really. Who's Debbie Miller?
Meg: A girl I just made up.

Peter: You know guys, I do not say this often enough but....um...I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh, my God!
Stewie: High five, anyone? Anyone?

Peter: Make yourself at home, Death. I'm going out for a little while.
Death: Hey, wait, wait, wait, you cannot tell anyone I am here, for if humanity discovers am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequences would be dire.
Peter: Go on....
Death: That's it. [to Lois] What the hell do you see in him?

Death: [to Meg] Go get me an Entertainment Weekly. I hear it's got a great picture of me sneaking up on Tom Snyder on the cover.

Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Dr. Hartman: Can't it be both?

Lois: I'm so worried about your father.
Chris: You mean because he's a borderline alcoholic?
Lois: No. Mommy's made peace with that.

Peter: No, I am not going to see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid.
[A giant squid appears in front of them, and hits the table and throws off all the dishes]
Lois: Earthquake.
Peter: Truck going by.

Peter: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed me by your HMO.
Peter: Just because my doctor was hittin' on me, doesn't mean you have to call him names.

Stewie: But you promised the fat one would perish!
Lois: I know, Stewie, isn't it lovely?

Death: What did you make this cocoa with? Crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, just say so.
Death: I'm sorry. I just thought you would make it with milk, not crap.

Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
Nurse: Your phone number.

Peter: I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that.
[Scene goes to Peter as a child having tea with his bike]
Young Peter: More tea, Mr. Bike?

Peter: So where it says "Name," I'll write "Deceased," and where it says "Sex," I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead."

Peter: Who are you?
Death: I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death.

Peter: Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man.
Stewie: Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like.
[Scene flashes to a middle-aged Stewie]
Middle-Aged Stewie: A 20-minute call to Larchmont!? Who do we know in Larchmont?
Middle-Aged Stewie's Wife: My sister-in-law.
Middle-Aged Stewie: Oh, yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol?

Meg: I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do?
Death: Yeah! Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained ankle. I just have to stay off it for a few days.

Peter: You can't stay here.
Death: Why not?
Peter: You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper?

Peter: I'm gonna jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear.

Peter: Oh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on TV. [turns on the TV]
Tom Tucker: Our top story tonight, the rules of Death no longer apply.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!
[Scene goes to Tricia with Peter at the Clam]
Tricia Takanawa: I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol, you'll be completely unharmed?
Peter: Why don't you give it a shot?
Tricia Takanawa: Okay, here goes. [shoots Peter in the head and he screams]
Tricia Takanawa: What have I done?
Peter: [laughing]
Tricia Takanawa: [laughs] Oh, you're awful.
[back to the Newsroom]
Diane Simmons: Fascinating story, Tom.
Tom Tucker: It sure is, Diane. And since the laws of Death no longer apply, I can do this. [takes out a chainsaw]
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Ha-ha! And now it's time for sports. [prepares to start it; Death turns off the TV]
Death: Great. The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again.

Lois: Death, there is no way Peter can do your job. He could never kill anyone.
Peter: Yeah! I mean, you know, I've thought about it, like in church and stuff, but I don't think I could ever do what you do.

Peter: So what you're saying the only way to make the world right is for me to kill someone?
Stewie: I know! Why don't you kill Lois?
Death: No. One death isn't gonna do it. You have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge.
Chris: How about if you blow up the Earth?
Death: Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that.
Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England. Wait. Wait, I have it. I'm a genius. You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
Peter: I knew it! I knew it! As soon as that show came on the air, I said: "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
Lois: It's true. He did say it.

Man: Look, James, your last movie killed at the box office. Your Q-rating's through the roof. It's time we ditched the WB and concentrate on features.
James Van Der Beek: Sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice.
Man: Oh. Will you sign my ass?
James Van Der Beek: You have a pen?

Pilot: We now begin our final approach into Los Angeles International. If you look out the window to you're right, you'll see the San Fernando Valley where my brother Gary makes a very nice living directing porn.

Peter: [to Death on the phone] Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...other than the fine programs on Fox.

[After Peter kills the pilots and the plane is about to crash]
James Van Der Beek: Nice going, fat...
Peter: Hey, I was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die. No one can land this plane.
Karen Black: I can.
Peter: Thank God! It's Karen Black! [the kids of Dawson's Creek stare at him blankly] She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? [the kids continue to stare at him blankly] It was a movie, in the '70s. [the kids continue to stare at him blankly] Ah, you damn kids with your music.

Tom Tucker: Both of the pilots were killed. Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black, star of such films as Nashville and Five Easy Pieces was on board.
Diane Simmons: Our hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again, that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft.
Tom Tucker: Karen Black. What an obscure reference.

Death: Hey, what the hell? I told you to waste those kids from Dawson's Creek.
Lois: You're missing the important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And now the whole world does.
Death: Yeah, I guess so. You know, my ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get out of your hair.
Stewie: Oh, but you just got here! Oh, we can stay in touch, can't we? Oh, oh, oh, what's your e-mail? Mine is "LoisMustDie," all one word, @yahoo.com."

Death: Hey, don't worry. I'll be back...really, really soon. [Laughing] "Is he joking?" Okay, see you later.

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