Diane Simmons: Good evening, I'm Diane Simmons. In traffic news, heavy gridlock on the 195 interchange. We now go live to Drunk Billy in the Channel 5 news copter.
[Drunk Billy is shown crashing his news copter mercilessly, it explodes and the camera goes back to the news duo]
Tom Tucker: This just in, Channel 5 news copter pilot Drunk Billy has passed away today. In anticipation of this event we've put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel 5 News.
[A video montage is shown of Drunk Billy's work, explaining how he got the name. A clip starts with a kindergarten teacher reading a book aloud]
School Teacher: I'm still hungry, said the very hungry caterpillar. But you've already-
[Drunk Billy cuts her off in the middle of her sentence by flying right through the school. Tom and Diane reappear]
Diane Simmons: Drunk Billy will be missed. But what you shouldn't miss is the Quahog Rodeo coming to the Civic Center this Friday, tickets are on sale now.
Tom Tucker: And for those of you that are handy with a horse, entry spots are still open.
[After hearing the rodeo is coming to Quahog]:
Brian: Oh, God, this seems like the kind of thing Peter...
[the camera zooms out and Peter is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Peter: Too late, Brian.
Lois: Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses, and you're in terrible shape.
Peter: You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois. When life comes knocking at the door, you go and hide in the kitchen. I fling the door wide open and I say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" And if that don't convince you, look at this. [holding up a "TV Guide" magazine] In this week's TV Guide, it says, "Peter gets more than he bargained for when he joins the rodeo."
Stewie: Well, it's in the Guide. Hey, can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide, "the Guide"? You know what? I'm not even asking anymore. That's what we're doing.
Peter: Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star? I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid. [Several shots show Peter performing in a rodeo as Billy Joel's "The Ballad of Billy the Kid" plays]
Stewie: Those horses stink. And it's too hot in here. I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky.
Woman: This is a disgusting display.
Brian: Boy, you can say that again. Nothing like a bunch of adult men teasing animals for fun. It's amazing that this is still legal. The only reason I'm here 'cause my idiot friend is in the rodeo.
Woman: I only came 'cause I'm writing a magazine article. One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry, and found out she had a talent for it.
[after the bull tosses Peter off him]
Bull: [standing up] You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull.
Peter: W...What...What's that?
Bull: You gonna find out.
Peter: [gasps and tries to crawl away]
Bull: :[grabbing Peter's leg and pulling him in] Where we're goin' fatty? We're gonna have a party.
Peter: No! [screams]
[The bull flips Peter on his back and tries to take his pants off. Peter pushes him away]
Peter: No! No!
[The bull takes his pants off and grabs a screaming Peter and brings him closer to him. Peter tries to resist and the bull tries to hold him down]
Peter: No! No!
Brian: So, what magazine do you write for?
Woman: I'm the editor for Teen People.
Brian: Editor? Well, gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself. I...I wrote for the The New Yorker for a little while.
Woman: Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work?
Brian: Oh, no. No, no, no. I...I never have to look too far for that. I...W...W...What are you...What do you...What-What do you got?
Woman: Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece on the everyday activities of the average American teenage girl.
Brian: Oh, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know? They haven't turned into bitches yet.
Woman: Oh, it's true. What happened to all of us?
[After the bull rapes Peter]
Bull: I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit.
Peter: [trembling on the ground, feebly] Maybe.
Bull: Maybe you call a few days in advance to give me time to get the house clean.
Bull: Maybe you bring a blazer, so we can go to a wider range of restaurants.
Peter: I'll...I'll bring a blazer.
[Stewie playing in the sand box with Rupert]
Stewie: You see this, Rupert? Most children build a sand castle. But I'm building a sand retreat for singles in their 30s.
[Stewie pulls out a male and female dolls and talks through the dolls]
Male Doll: [Stewie using his deep voice] Hi, I'm Jeremy. I work in corporate finance.
Female Doll: [Stewie using his high voice] Hi, I'm a French Canadian girl down here on my vacation. It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the swimming pool with a bar in it 'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water.
Male Doll:: I like how all the food and drink is included in the price of the ticket.
Female Doll: Yeah, that way you don't have to bring your cash down from the room.
Male Doll: Okay, I was just looking for a friend of mine, so maybe I'll see you later.
[Stewie removes the male doll]
Female Doll: [to herself] Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody and you did it.
Stewie: [seeing Brian on a ladder, normal voice] Brian, what are you doing up there?
Brian: Shh. I'm writing an article on teenage girls for a magazine. I'm studying Meg to see what goes on during her day.
Stewie: Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder. Not all dogs go to heaven.
[meanwhile in Hell, Satan is talking to Goofy]
Satan: [looking at his list] So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11?
Goofy: Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. Hyuck, yuck, yuck. Gawsh.
Satan: Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go.
[Pushes Goofy in the pit of fire with his trident]
[Brian and Stewie follow Meg, driving the family car, in Brian's car]
Stewie: You know, Brian, just because you're writing a profile on teenage girls, it doesn't mean you have to be a creepy stalker and follow Meg around all day
Brian: It's called research, Stewie. I'm just being thorough. Where the hell is she going? There's nothing out in this part of town.
[Meg drives into the Quahog Adult Correctional Institute, Brian stops in front of the sign]
Stewie: What is that, Brian? What is an adult correctional institute?
Brian: It's a prison, Stewie.
Stewie: Ah. One would think they could just say that.
Brian: Oh, my God. Meg's dating a convict!
Stewie: Oh looks like Consuela's son is in prison.
Consuela: [talking through the phone] I see you soon, Rodrigo.
Rodrigo: [talking through the phone] Si, mama.
[Meg and Luke talking through the phone in prison]
Luke: It's really good to see you, Meg. It's been a while.
Meg: I know. I'm sorry, Luke. It's just so hard to get over here without anybody finding out. Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent?
Luke: It's the only thing that's getting me by, Meg. Thank you.
Meg: How'd your parole hearing go?
Luke: Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years.
Meg: Oh, Luke.
Luke: Oh, I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg.
Meg: No, I will, Luke. If it takes ten years or 20 years, I will be here when you get out.
[They both look at each other, smiling, then hang up the phone and proceed to kiss each other through the window. Brian and Stewie watches from a distance]
Brian: Oh, my God! Meg's involved with a convict!
Stewie: Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.
Stewie: Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there?
[After Brian revealed to the family that Meg is dating a convict in the living room]
Meg: Brian, you bastard! How could you do this to me?!
Brian: I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them.
Lois: Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did exactly the right thing by coming to us. Don't you know what kind of fire you're playing with, dating a prisoner?
Peter: Hold on, Lois. This is some serious parenting. I'm gonna go put on my Cosby sweater.
[Peter leaves to get his sweater]
Meg: Mom, you don't understand! Luke and I really connect, very deeply! He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison!
Lois: Well, Meg, there's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason: he broke the law.
Meg: He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom.
Lois: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story.
Meg: It's not a sob story! It's true!
Lois: [exasperated] Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again.
Peter: [entering the room] I can't find the sweater.
Lois: [ignoring Peter] How the hell did you even meet him?
Meg: We had a pen pal project at school, and when it was over, Luke and I just kind of kept writing to each other.
Lois: Well, it stops now.
Meg: But, Mom, I love him!
Lois: It stops now, Meg.
Peter: Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful who you get involved with romantically.
[Peter's cell phone rings and he answers it]
Bull: I'm in the mood for some coitus. Get over here.
Peter: I can't. I'm with my family.
Bull: Pick up wine on the way. [hangs up]
Peter: Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work who can solve it, I'll be right there.
[Meg is crying in her room and hears a knock on her window. She sees Luke outside her window and gasp]
Meg: Luke! [She opens her window] What are you doing here?!
Luke: I escaped, Meg. I escaped 'cause I just couldn't bear another second away from you.
Meg: My God, how did you get out?
Luke: I filed down a toothbrush to a fine point and stabbed the guard with the most kids.
Luke: I'm just kidding.
Meg: Oh. I'm still getting used to your sense of humor.
Luke: Actually, there was a riot in the prison yard, and I slipped over the fence.
Meg: Well, well, quick, get in here before somebody sees you!
[Meg pulls Luke inside her room and they both kiss]
Luke: Oh, Meg, I've wanted to do that for so long. And it's nice to be in front of someone for a change.
Meg: [laughs] Now I know that was a joke!
Luke: [laughs] Whatever.
[Brian walks to Meg's room]
Brian: Hey, Meg? Can I talk to you for a second?
[rustling noises and a door closing can be heard in Meg's room]
Meg: Uh, yeah, come on in. [Brian enters]
Brian: Listen, uh, I feel like I should explain myself a little bit here. I'm sorry I had to tell Lois what was going on. You just, you gotta realize I was only thinking about your safety and...
[Luke sneezes and Brian growls while still looking at the closet]
Meg: [sighs] Luke, you might as well come out now. [Luke comes out of the closet]
Brian: Luke! What the...? They let you out of jail?!
Luke: Not exactly.
Meg: He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love.
Brian: Meg, are you crazy?! You can't harbor a fugitive. That's a felony.
Meg: Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna tell on me again?
Brian: Well, I, I...
Peter: [entering Meg's room] Brian, will you call me on my Mickey Mouse phone? [notices Luke] Wait a second. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter, think. Wait. Hang on.
[Peter leaves the room and comes back with his "TV Guide"]
Peter: [flipping through the magazine] Sunday, Sunday...Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo." Boy, did I. [continues reading] "And Meg dates a prison escapee"!
Meg: Oh, no! Luke, run! [Luke runs to the window and climbs out. Peter takes out his cell phone and calls Joe]
Peter: Joe, it's Peter! Two things: First of all, when I was over at your house the other day, I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture. Second of all, [shouting] come outside! There's an escaped convict running across the street!
[Luke runs out in front of the house, Joe comes out of his house wearing his police uniform and they both see each other, Luke runs and Joe chases him down the sloped street on his wheelchair]
Meg: [looking out of her window] No, Luke, don't run downhill!
[Joe jumps off his wheelchair and tackles Luke]
Joe: You're going to jail, punk.
[Luke is put in the back of a police car handcuffed]
Meg: No, Mr. Swanson! You can't take him!
Joe: Yes I can, Meg. He's going back to jail.
Meg: Well, if you're taking him to jail, you have to take me too.
Joe: I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.
Meg: Oh, well that's only fair because after all, I did hide him from the...WHAAAAAA...?
[Meg is escorted to her prison cell in the Women's Correctional Facility. Once she's inside, she meets her two cellmates who are both black]
Meg Uh, hi.
Black Woman Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?
[Brian crosses out the day that Meg gets out of prison on a calendar]
Brian: Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.
Peter: Already? It seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave, but can't figure it out.
[The fly that Peter was talking about flies in the living room and tries to fly out of the window]
Fly: Okay, now where now?
Peter: Right there.
Fly: I'm having some trouble here.
Peter: It's right there! It's right in front of you!
Fly: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to.
Peter: Okay, then fly, fly out the window.
Fly: Up here maybe?
Peter: No, to your left!
Fly: No, that's not it. That's just me wall.
Peter: How many eyes do you have, huh?!
Fly: Just two, same number as you, but I can't, I'm not...
Peter: Just go! Oh, my God!
Fly: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it...
Peter: You're right there!
Fly: ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.
Lois Griffin: I think we should all go together to pick Meg up. She's probably a little fragile after being there so long and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces.
[Meg bursts in wearing a tank-top, a tattoo, jeans, messed up hair, and a bandanna on her head]
Meg Griffin: I'm home! You're all my bitches now!
Stewie Griffin: Okay.
[Seeing Meg's new appearance]
Lois: Meg! You look so different.
Chris: How was prison?
Meg: First question: who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house?
Peter: Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction...
[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]
Meg: My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?
Peter: [lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke. [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]
Chris: For God's sake, Dad, have some humility! It'll save your life!
Meg: There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]
Chris: Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.
[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]
Woman: I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.
[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]
Man: I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.
[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]
Male Student: We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?!
[Peter is taking a shower behind the shower curtains, Meg, naked, steps in the shower holding a loofah]
Peter: [covering himself] Meg! What the hell are you doing in here?!
Meg: Shower time.
Peter: Yeah, for me. Not...not for...What are you doing with that loofah?
Meg: Don't worry about it.
[the camera goes back in front of the shower curtain. Peter screams]
Peter: You told me not to worry about it! I shoulda been worried the whole time!
[Lois enters Meg's room]
Lois: Meg, honey? I did all your laundry.
[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]
Lois: Oh, my God, what is that smell?
[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]
Meg: It's my poop bucket.
Lois: What the hell?!
Meg: I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room.
Lois: That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else.
Lois: Ugh! God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it?
Meg: I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips.
Lois: [looks closer into Meg's poop bucket] Oh, my God, are you using my shirts as toilet paper?
Meg: Yeah. And I think I might need some right now.
[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]
Meg: Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden!
[Meg enters the cafeteria at school]
Connie: Hey, who's the new dude?
Lisa: Oh, my God, that's Meg Griffin! She just got out of prison!
Connie: Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for, being ugly?
[Connie and her friends laugh as Meg walks to the soda machine and starts buying soda cans and puts them in a sack]
Doug: Hey, Meg, what happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior?
[Connie and her friends laugh again while Meg continues to fill her sack with soda cans]
Lisa: Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided, too, while you were in there?
Red Shirt White Guy: What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Ha-ha! [hold his nose] P.U.
[they laugh again and Meg finishes filling her sack with soda can and walks up to Connie's table]
Connie: Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans to the Shawskank Redemption Center?
[The Griffin family, except Meg, are eating in the kitchen]
Lois: Peter, Meg’s been suspended from school.
Peter: [frightened] That's okay. Whatever she wants to do.
Lois: She cracked three kids' skulls open! Ever since she's gotten out of prison, she is completely out of control.
Brian: Don't you see? That's what the penal system does in this country. It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.
[Meg enters the room and everybody gasps]
Meg: What'd you say, Brian?
Brian: [frightened] Oh, I...I was just picking up on something Lois said. What...what was it? What’d you say, Lois? Something about Meg being a freak?
Lois: Oh, no, I didn't say anything. Uh, Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with.
Peter: That...that...that wasn't me. Stewie was really laying into Meg about something.
Chris: Yeah, it was Stewie.
Lois: Definitely Stewie.
Stewie: Oh, so now everyone understands me.
Lois: Look, Meg, we’re just worried about your safety.
Meg: Well, don't! I can take care of myself! I'll be outta here by the end of the week! [to Stewie] Punch yourself in the face!
Meg: [angrily] Punch yourself in the face!
Stewie: [whimpers, and punches himself lightly]
Meg All right, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. [to Peter] You, fatso, punch your baby in the fa...!
[Peter quickly punches Stewie’s face, knocking him out of his high chair]
Peter: I did good, Meg?
Meg: Shut up! [leaves the kitchen]
Peter: I did good. I did good.
[Brian leaves the house and gets in his car and starts it up. Meg pops out of the back seat and aims a pistol at Brian's head]
Brian: Uh, any particular direction?
Meg: [pointing to the left with her pistol] That way. [Brian drives out to Meg's direction] You’re gonna help me get some money so I can get out of this town.
Brian: Really? Where are you gonna go?
Meg: I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now.
[inside Goldman’s Pharmacy]
Mort: [giving Herbert his items that are in a bag] What kind of birdhouse can you build with Popsicles, roofies, and a mallet?
Herbert: It's for a rare African Bird called "Nunya Business".
[Herbert takes his bag and leaves. Meg walks up to Mort at the counter]
Mort: Hi, Meg. Can I help you?
Meg: [aims the pistol at Mort] Hands in the air, Goldman!
Mort: [putting his hands up] Oh, my God, what are you doing?!
Meg: Gimme your money!
Mort: [moves a jar to Meg] Here, here, just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give to 'em anyhow.
Brian: [entering the store] Meg, put down the gun.
Meg: Brian, get back in the car!
Brian: Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we used to know? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of that prison in 40 years.
Meg: I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone!
Brian:: Look, if you don't put the gun down, I'm gonna be forced to call the police.
Meg: Good! Call the police! I want you to! What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway!
Brian: You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something.
[Brian grabs a magazine off a shelf and hands it to Meg]
Meg: Teen People?
Brian: It's the article I wrote about you.
Meg: You wrote an article about me?
Brian: They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl.
Meg: Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"?
Brian: Yeah, they make the title. Read paragraph three.
Mort: [off-screen] This isn’t a library, you know.
Meg: [reading the article] "And in the face of every adolescent challenge, she looks at the world through hopeful eyes and maintains an uncommon resilience that can only be admired. In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl. She is far sweeter and kinder than that." Oh, my God, that is so nice, Brian. Did you mean all that?
Brian: Of course I did.
Meg: Oh, my God, I-I can’t believe I did this. I was just so tired of being everyone’s whipping girl that it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping.
Brian: Give me the gun, Meg.
[Meg gives Brian the pistol]
Meg: Thanks for reminding me who I really am.
[They both leave the store]
Mort: Well, at least I didn’t get robbed
[the sound of the door bell and front door opening can be heard]
Mort: And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?
[the Griffins are having dinner in the kitchen]
Peter: I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this.
Lois: Me, too, Meg. God, it must have been horrible in there.
Meg: It wasn’t so bad. I met Wesley Snipes.
Peter: Is that right?
Meg: Yeah. Oh, and you know what’s funny? He was inmate 57, too.
Meg: He was inmate 57? See, he did a movie called Passenger 57.
Peter: Ah. Well, terrific. Always end on a strong joke.