[Brian is drowning his sorrows at the bar after realizing the club that loves his book is full of mentally handicapped men]
Brian: Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.
Bill from Family Circus: Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.
Brian: ...You know what, Father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day, in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?!
Bill from Family Circus: You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. [He gets up and leaves]
[Later on, Peter is reading a newspaper]
Peter: This is a very shocking Family Circus.
Brian: [on the phone] Okay, so no leads then?
Consuela: Oh no, no. Doggie out!
Consuela: Out. ¡Afuera!
Brian: What? I live here.
Consuela: ¡No no, afuera!
Brian: Look, I'm just trying to... owww!
[Consuela throws Brian out and gets on the phone]
Stewie: [on the other end] Yes, could you please put Brian back on?
Consuela: No, noooh. D...doggie afuera.
Stewie: You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
Stewie: Well, uh listen, I don't mean to point any fingers. But I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie: Wh...what? You took it?
Stewie: Well, give it back!
Consuela: Come get, bitch!
Stewie: What the hell is this?!
Brian: Nobody gives a damn about animals!
[Peter and Quagmire are talking in the kitchen]
Peter: Quagmire it's so awesome that you could come over after work today.
Quagmire: I know... I'm so psyched. Hey let's make some Kool-aid! [He opens the cabinet with the Kool-Aid]
Peter: No we gotta wait for Lois to do it.
Quagmire: No we don't, I know how to make Kool-Aid.
Peter: No Quagmire we're not a'sposed to... [Quagmire reaches for the Kool-Aid but accidentally drops it, spilling it all over the floor]
Lois: [Outside] I'm home, Peter!
[Quagmire runs for the door. On his way out, he runs past Lois carrying a grocery bag]
Lois: [To Quagmire, as he runs away] Oh hi Glenn...
[She enters the kitchen, calling for Peter, who is no longer there]
Lois: Peter, can you help me with the... [Sees the Kool-Aid on the floor] OH, PETER GRIFFIN!! [She yells towards Peter, who is upstairs in his room] Peter you come out here right now and clean up this mess!
Peter: [Offscreen, whining] No! You said I could have two friends over, and I didn't! Joe couldn't come! So I only had one friend over and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool-Aid instead of the other friend!
Lois: You come out here right now!!
Peter: [Offscreen, whining] Bonnie's way cooler than you, Joe has computer games!
Stewie: You know, Brian. I love it here at the ice cream shop. If I...This is gonna be my happy place. If I ever get molested or raped, this is the place I'm think gonna think of to make everything alright.
Brian: [Tiredly] That's great, Stewie.
Stewie: Hey! What's up your fanny?
Brian: Nothing. I'm just...I'm a little bummed out from the other day. I just can't believe our society actually values the life of a dog less, than that of a human. It's infuriating.
Stewie: That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark on a tree and chew on your balls for an hour.
Brian: You know. That's the problem. That's usually the way, I handle this kind of thing, but not this time. I mean, look at that dog over there. You think, he wants to be tied to that chair, waiting in the hot sun, while his owner get ice cream? Hell no! I am gonna make people see, that an animal's life is just as important as a human's. [Brian sets the dog free] Go, fellow canine! Be free and enjoy life! [The dog spots a chihuahua and attacks it]
Chihuahua's Owner: Aah! Oh my God! Help! He's killing my dog! [A police man comes over with a gun. The dog attacks him too]
Police Man: Aah! He's got my neck! [Screams as two more police men come over and kill the dog]
Chihuahua's Owner: [Cries] Oh my God. My dog is dead.
Stewie: Maybe that's why he was tied up.
[Brian announces he's starting the The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]
Lois: Oh that's a great idea Brian, maybe you could join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?
Lois: No Peter, I'm just saying, if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois: No, for PETA.
Peter: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois: I'm not talking about you Peter! I'm talking about PETA.
Peter: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!
Chris: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter: That doesn't even make any sense!!
Lois: [About Consuela] God, she's more stubborn than you are.
[Cut to a scene where Peter is on a swing set, with Stewie watching him]
Stewie: Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set!
Stewie: But, you've gone for two turns!
Peter: Get lost!
Stewie: But, it looks like fun, and I wanna do it!
Peter: No! I'm doing it! I'm gonna do a big jump-off!
[Peter jumps off the swing and crashes to the ground and cries]
Peter: Aah! Get Mom!
[Stewie runs off-screen]
Stewie: Mom! Mom! Mom!
Stewie: Look at her! She's more wound up than a bird who's afraid of heights!
Bird: Oh God... Oh God... Oh God... ARGH! THIS IS AWFUL! WAAAH! THIS IS AWFUL! WAAAAAAAH!
Brian: [watching the Griffins cry over his 'death'] Wow. I guess my life really does have meaning. I never realized how important I was to this family. [To Stewie] Wait a second! Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?
Stewie: Well, a stray.
Brian: [Soft and happily] Thank you. [Brian hugs Stewie]
Stewie: Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now.
Brian: Well, h...hold on a sec. We could...probably let 'em go for just a few more minutes.
Peter: [standing in a black background speaking to the audience] Hi. We here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode. But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance.
Opera Singer: [singing]Figaro li / Figaro la / Figaro mi / Figaro...aww.