Lois: You know, Chris. You and your stillborn brother, Tmas were named after Christmas.

Lois: First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.

[Peter takes a too full bath and the water spills out of the tub and fills the rest of the room]
Peter: Aw, now I wanna be on that side.
[Peter goes to the other side, making the water go back into the tub]
Peter: Well, that didn't work. Now to take a sliding toilet seat soaking wet dump.

Patrick Swayze: Peter, you're in trouble. So, I've come back to help you recapture the true spirit of Christmas.
Peter: [gasp] Ghost House
Patrick Swayze: Road House.
Peter: Ghost Road.
Patrick Swayze: House House.
Peter: Road Ghost.

Peter: Oh, wow! This is my old house from when I was a little kid.
Patrick Swayze: That's right, Peter. I'm taking you all the way back to the year 1970/80/90.
Peter: I'll never forget that year. When President Richard Reagan Clinton lied to the American people.

[Christmas at Ollie Williams' house]
Ollie's Son: WHAT'S THIS!?
Ollie: COAL!
Ollie's Son: WHY!?
Ollie: BAD!
Ollie's Son: AWWW!

[Carter calls his German-speaking grandmother]
Carter: Wie geht es dir?
Nana Pewterschmidt: Es gibt zu viele Juden in Brasilien.
Chris: What did she say?
Carter: She wishes you a Merry Christmas.
Stewie: That's not what she said.

Meg: We should probably call Durd.
Chris: You mean dad?
Meg: No, the fat guy who sleeps with mom.
Stewie: You guys talkin' 'bout Durd?

[Peter sees a future where he died and Lois remarried]
Peter: Who's that guy?
Patrick Swayze: That's Lois' new husband, Lance.
Peter: Wow. I finally had the guts to leave her. Good for you, Peter.

Peter: All the porn girls I follow in Instagram have Santa hats on. It must be Christmas!

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Peter: For Brian, a Rhode Island sweatshirt with both "Rhode" and "Island" misspelled.
Brian: Wow, it hurts when I put it on!

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