Woman: The IRS is much kinder and gentler than it used to be. You smell nice.
Peter: What? Oh, no, that must be you.
Woman: No, it couldn't be me. I just farted.

Peter: [He sees a power-line when digging up a pool] Hmmm...this looks like a plastic root.
Lois: Peter, there is no such thing as a plastic root...[Peter slices the root with his shovel]
[On Joe's TV] If you come near I will send you back to hell where you belong...[The TV shuts off]
Quagmire: [On a bed with his automatic doll] So do ya...[The doll falls over dead] Huh..??
Cleveland: [Is bouncing on his trampoline which does not throw him back up when he lands] Awwww.
[Later, an electrician exits Peter's house]
Builder: Well, I fixed the power line, but the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool back there.
Peter: What are you talking about? It's my yard!
Builder: I'm sorry, but your house is too close to the curb.
Peter: Oh yeah? Well... your eyes are too close to your nose!
Builder: That may be, but you know what? I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!
Peter: Hey, wait-wait-wait, come back here!
Builder: What?
Peter: [pause] I have to draw you.
[In a bedroom, where the builder is laying naked on the bed while Peter is painting him]
Peter: You're why cavemen painted on walls!

Adam West: Well, this is odd.
Peter: What?
West: I've never encounter anything like this before, but your property doesn't seems to be on the map. [indicates a black square] It's not part of Quahog.
Peter: What the hell are you talking about? I've been living in 31 Spooner Street for twelve years!
West: Sorry, but according to this map you're not even part of the United States. Which would make you... a communist!
Peter: Aggh!
West: Agh! [West presses a button under his desk]
Peter: [fall to trapdoor, but stuck] Ow!
West: Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier. Would you come back in a week, when my fat-malcontent-trapdoor will be completed?
Peter: I'm not coming back in a week or ever. I've had it with you and I've had it with this whole damn government!
West: Fine. [he kicks Peter through the trap door; falls] I love this job more than I like taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.

Lois: And little Stewie here is our president of poopy.
Stewie: Ha ha ha ha ha...

Peter: Mornin' Joe.
Joe: Uh...Peter what are you doing in my pool?
Peter: Oh this is a new territory of Petoria...I call it Joehio.
Joe: What??!! You can't just come here and annex my pool!!!
Peter: Oh yeah well according to paragraph seven chapter 3 sentence 8 of the Geneva country convention..."The..." so tough luck Swanson.

Peter: [Is sitting on a back row of seats] This sucks! Hey Podium guy!
Albania Secretary: Hey some of us are here to learn!
Peter: Hey! No one is talking to you Albania!
U.N. General: Is there a problem back there?
Peter: Ya bet your funny accent there is a problem! I am stuck back here in the nosebleeds! I am president of Petoria! I want a better seat!
U.N. General: Oh how could we forget the great nation of Petoria? Come up and have a seat in the front row.
Peter: Now that's more like it.
U.N. General: [Sarcastically] Oh and would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your butt with a laser-beam from a thousand miles in space?
Peter: They have those?!

Peter: Darn government telling me I cannot build a pool on my own land!! And after my grandfather Josiah worked on making one of the country's most famous beloved cartoon characters!!
[Flashback to a board room at Warner Bros.]
Warner Bros. Agent: Okay we've narrowed it down to two names. All in favor of Bugs Bunny? [All the staff except for Josiah Griffin raises their hand] And all in favor of Ephraim The Retarded Rabbit? [Only Josiah Griffin raises his hand and glares]
Josiah Griffin: Oh you can all go to Hell!!!

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but the guy won't let me
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The US army
Peter: Oh, That's a good army.

Quagmire: Hey, Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.

Peter: Hey Brian do you want to hear a riddle? A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer comes up to her and says she can only keep one...which one does she keep?
Brian: Peter that is not a riddle! It's terrible!
Peter: Wrong it's the ugly one!

Soldier: Attention President Griffin, as you are aware of my grammar sucks, but most importantly we are about to commence Operation-Bomb-The-Crap-Out-Of-Your-House...the guy who makes up the name is on vacation...FIRE!!

Adam West: Thank you all for coming. We invited Jessie Jackson to open our negotiations with a prayer.
Peter/Joe: Ahhh./Ooooh.
Lois: My God!
Adam West: Unfortunately, he couldn't make it, so in his place we have La Toya Jackson.
La Toya Jackson: Thanks, ehm... Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God!
Adam West: How very inappropriate, thank you. Now, Mr Griffin, would you like to begin?
Peter: OK. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make a concession or two. First, I will return Joe's pool.
Peter: But I demand access to it on weekends.
Joe: No.
Peter: Accepted...I also demand to remain my own, independent nation.
Adam: Absolutely not.
Peter: Then can I have your pen?
Adam West: Oh you mean this little cheap pen we have millions of back in our office?
Peter: Yeah.
Adam West: No.
Peter: Oh, man. So after all this I end up with nothin'?
Lois: How about this? Every night when you get home from work, I'll scratch your back with a matchbook cover like you like.
Peter: Ah, Lois. Will you call me "Big Rudy" when you do?
Lois: No.

Teacher: And that's the story of Petoria, a little nation that 200 years ago seceded and repatriated in less than a week. Any questions? [one student raised his hand]
Student: Yeah, uh... I...I don't get it. So... like, can the family understand the baby or...or...or wha...what’s the deal with that?

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