Chris: [pointing] Stewie, look. A butterfly. Let's get !
[Chris chases after the butterfly while laughing]
Stewie: Uh, Chris, I don't think we should be leaving the trail.
[Chris ignores Stewie and continue chasing the butterfly. A British guy quickly captures the butterfly in his net.]
British Guy: I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day.
Chris Awww. British guys always capture my butterflies.
British Guy: Yes, and to add insult to injury, [he turns around and reveals his butt to Chris and Stewie] I shall present to you my fanny: Sir Chadwell Heath.
[the British Guy shakes his butt and laughs then runs away with his butterfly]
Chris: Aw, darn it. Hey, wait a second. Where are we?
[the camera zooms out of the forest revealing the trail is gone]
Chris: Oh, no.
Stewie: Hey, Chris, did you know your bacne spells "Citibank" in Braille?
[after getting lost in the woods, Stewie and Chris are sitting underneath a tree]
Stewie: [angrily] Great. You had to chase the butterfly.
Chris: Yes, I had to chase the butterfly. I came out here to observe nature. What did you come out here for?
Stewie: I came to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Chris: Wow, Stewie. That was beautiful. Did you write that?
Stewie: No. [to the audience] But can you tell me who did? Log on now.
[music plays in the background, A. Robert Frost, B. Henry David Thoreau, and C. Thornton Mellon appears on the screen. After a couple of seconds, the music stops]
Stewie: [to the audience] All right, let's tally up those responses.
[Stewie looks at the results on the screen. 15% appears next to Robert Frost, 18% appears next to Henry David Thoreau, and 67% appears next to Thornton Mellon]
Stewie: [annoyed] Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Mellon... [B. Henry David Thoreau remains on the screen as the other disappear] First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Mellon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.
[at night, Chris and Stewie are sitting around a fire]
Chris: [sobbing] Stewie, are we gonna die?
Stewie: [walks up to Chris, putting his hand on his arm] Hey, hey. Probably.
Chris: I...I don't want to die!
Stewie: You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive, I'm gonna finally run for public office again. I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment. [A picture of former president, Harry Truman, holding the "Dewey Defeat Truman" newspaper appears with Dewey's name being replaced with Stewie] Harry Truman. Stupid jerk. Freakin' FDR's ass bitch.
Chris: If we get back home alive, I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her.
Stewie: I'd like those things for us, Chris.
[Stewie starts digging a small hole with his hands]
Chris: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'm digging a hole.
Stewie: 'Cause I like to sleep on my side.
[at the Griffin's House, the family and Carter and Barbara Pewterschmidt, are watching the news]
Diane: Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.
Tom: That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.
[cut to the park ranger at the forest]
Park Ranger: We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.
[Joe and three other cops in the background]
Joe: All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.
Lois: Oh, God, this horrible! I can't watch anymore! [turns off the TV] Mom, Daddy, thank you so much for coming over.
Barbara: Oh, of course, dear.
Lois: I don't know what to do. They scoured the area, and there's no sign of them. I feel like I can't just sit here doing nothing, but I don't know what I can do.
Carter: I'll tell you who could help. Medium.
Lois: Daddy, that's not a real person. That's a character on a TV show.
Carter: Don't you disparage Medium. Medium works very hard.
Meg: You know, Mom, I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about psychics who help find people who are lost.
Peter: I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about this fat woman who sat on her dog and it went up inside her guts.
[at Estelle Lewis Psychic Readings]
Lois: It's been three days, and I just don't know where else to turn. Please, can you help me?
Estelle Lewis: Don't worry, Lois. The spirit world wants very much to assist you. Your missing sons will be found.
Lois: Oh, oh! Thank you, thank you so much! I can't tell you how reassuring that is. Ah. My babies are okay.
[Lois leaves and Adam West enters]
Adam West: Will you answer one question for me?
Adam: Thank you so much.
[Chris and Stewie laying on their stomach on the ground]
Chris: Well, Stewie, I think we're finished.
Stewie: It sure looks that way. It's been a pleasure serving with you, Chris.
Chris: And with you, Stewie.
Bruce: [searching for Jeffrey] Jeffery! Jeffrey, come back. It's gonna get dark soon! All this drama over a turkey burger?!
[stops in front of Chris and Stewie]
Stewie: Oh, thank God!
[They get on their knees]
Bruce: Oh, you're not Jeffrey. You're that missing baby and boy. [gasp, calling out to Jeffery] Jeffery! I found that missing baby and boy!
Jeffery: [off-screen] I don't care.
[Chris and Stewie, covered in a blanket, walks out of the woods with the park rangers, Joe, and a group of people, including Bruce and the two foreign guys, behind them]
Chris & Stewie: Mommy!
[Chris and Stewie run to Lois and they hug each other]
Lois: Chris! Stewie! My babies! Oh, I'm so happy you're safe! Oh, I knew they'd find you. I knew you were okay. It's just like the psychic said. [to the group] Thank you all for your help, everybody.
Foreign Guy #1: Oh, for definite. It's just like a childhood game of Hide and Find!
Foreign Guy #2: You said it, friend! What do you say for celebration we go dunk our whistles in the trough?
Foreign Guy #1: Ah! We should totally phone Gaspard!
Foreign Guy #2: Ah! He would love to hear this tale!
Foreign Guy #1: [pulls out his phone card] Oh, but I only have 15 pfenigs on my phone card.
Foreign Guy #2: [slowly pulls out a phone card for his shirt pocket] Happy Gerbitz day.
Foreign Guy #1: Ah!
[the Griffins are having breakfast]
Lois: Oh, it is so good to have my boys back home safe and sound. Thank God for that psychic.
Brian: What are you talking about? The psychic didn't do anything.
Lois: Well, she said we were gonna find them and we did. I always wondered about psychics, but I gotta tell ya, I'm a believer now. Yeah, I'm gonna go back and see what else she has to say.
[Peter walks in with today's newspaper]
Peter: Hey, check it out. Chris and Stewie, you're on the front page of the paper.
[Peter holds up the newspaper that said "YOUNG HERO SAVES INFANT BROTHER" showing a picture on Chris holding Stewie in his arms]
Stewie: You know, Chris, that girl from school sees that picture and you're in.
Chris: Look, Stewie, I'm not really gonna ask her out. I think that just might have been cocky forest talk.
Stewie: No, but you got to take advantage of this. Seize your moment. Like the Duck Founding Father.
[cut to the Duck Founding Fathers in a meeting]
One of the Founding Father: Gentle, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air. All in favor?
One of the Founding Father: Opposed?
[a duck off-screen quacks in the background]
One of the Founding Father: The motion carries.
[Chris and Stewie are walking in the halls in Chris's school]
Chris: I don't know about this, Stewie.
Stewie: Nonsense. You're a hero now. Your picture's in the paper. She'll be fawning all over you. Now, which one is she?
Chris: [pointing] There.
[the camera shows Ellen's back. She turns around]
Ellen: Hi, Chris!
Stewie[surprised] Wait a minute. That's the girl?
Chris: Yeah. Isn't she special?
Stewie: That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it. Uh, there's something...up with her, isn't there?
Chris: Yeah. She's got Down's Syndrome.
Stewie: Oh, okay, well, there we go.
Chris: She's so sweet. And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes?
Stewie: Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but, yeah, individually, they're not awful. All right, I'm on board. Go talk to her.
Chris: Um, hi, Ellen.
Ellen: Hi, Chris.
Chris: Um, this is my little brother Stewie.
Ellen: [chuckles] Your head makes me laugh.
[Ellen grabs Stewie and hugs him tightly]
Stewie: I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.
[Stewie is with Chris at his high school, where he is congratulating Chris for successfully asking out Ellen on a date]
Stewie Griffin: There you go, bein' confident! Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation.
[Cut to a stereotypical Italian wise-guy speaking to a friend]
Italian Guy: If that was me... I'm... I'm just sayin', if that was me, they are lucky that was not me, because if the circumstances were such, as you have described them but with me in them, that's a very different and scary outcome for those involved. If.
Lois: [excited] Oh, my God, Brian. Oh...my...God.
Brian: Whoa. What is it? What happened?
Lois: I just went to see my psychic Estelle, and she told me that Stewie is gonna grow up to be very successful. Ah! Isn't that great news.
Brian: You went to see that psychic again? That's the third time this week.
Lois: She's a lifesaver, Brian. She gives me the confidence to live my life knowing I'm making the right choices.
Brian: Wow, and she does all this for free?
Lois: No, she charges me
Brian: She charges you?! Well, that's weird. Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear?
Lois: I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian.
Brian: Well, I just think you're being taken for a ride, Lois. Like a snail on the back of a turtle.
[cut to a snail riding on the back of a turtle]
Snail: Slow down! I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!
[later at night, Lois has Meg and Stewie take a bath together]
Meg: Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie?
Lois: Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning, and that I should take some steps to prevent it. So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy.
[Lois meets Brian at the park, sitting on a bench]
Lois: Okay, Brian, I'm here. Now, what is it you want?
Brian: All right, look, Lois, this psychic nonsense has gone too far, so I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone who is psychic, and that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzzwords, anyone can appear to be psychic. Even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic, and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. [putting his hands on his head trying to focus] Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?
Woman: W-Wow. I used to have a watch that broke.
Brian: You see, just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
Peter: [putting his hand on his head again] I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
Woman: My husband died of cancer last year.
Peter: Oh, my God. Awesome. [putting his hands on his head again] Okay, uh, I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
Woman: My daughter was just in an accident.
Peter: Sweet! [putting his hand up for a high five] High five!
Woman: You're awful.
Peter: Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.
Lois: [sighs] Okay. Okay, you made your point. I get it. Maybe I went a little overboard with the things Estelle told me. All right, look, can we just go home now?
Brian: Come on, Peter, let's go.
Peter: Brian, I felt something. Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow. I think...I may have a gift.
Brian: Peter, we were just doing a demonstration.
Peter: No, Brian. This is real. I believe I am psychic. My first prediction: I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic.
[Peter runs to the family having the picnic and tries to fly by jumping in the air but instead just lands on their picnic]
Mother: Hey! You've ruined our picnic!
Peter: [getting on one knee and putting his hands up] Psychic.
[At the Griffin's house, there is a sign on the lawn that saids "PSYCHIC READINGS BY PETER THE MYSTICAL"]
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Quiet, Brian. I'm performing a psychic reading.
Brian: Peter, for the last time, you're not psychic.
Peter: I most certainly am. All right, Quagmire, [holds Quagmire's hands] clear your mi...Ooh, soft hands. Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future. [Peter closes his eyes]
Quagmire: What is it, Peter?
Peter: You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic.
[cut to a pair of hands opening a condom wrapper and pulls out a condom that has Quagmire's face]
Quagmire the condom: All right!
[the camera zooms out revealing two homosexual men in bed]
Quagmire the condom: No, no, not all right!
[Chris and Ellen have their date at a fancy restaurant, they walk to their table]
Chris: Well, I'm glad we're finally going out, Ellen. I've really liked you for a long time. [Chris takes his seat]
Ellen :[angrily] Hey, what the hell you think you're doing?
Chris: Sitting down.
Ellen: [bossy] Get up and pull my chair out for me.
Chris :Oh, goodness, I'm sorry. [Chris gets up and pulls Ellen's seat out for her, chuckling] Sorry.
[Ellen takes her seat and Chris goes back to his seat and sits down]
Ellen: That's better.
[Chris puts his napkin on his lap]
Ellen: You going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.
Chris: Oh. Um, sorry. Um, uh, so...so, what do your parents do?
Ellen: That's better. My dad's an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska.
Chris: Oh, that's cool.
Ellen: It's real cool. [bossy] Now, get up, come over here, and give me a shoulder massage.
Chris: Okay. [Chris gets up and massages Ellen, who is satisfied with the massage] Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix.
[cut to a dog tied up to a bed and blindfolded and a woman in tighter leather]
Dog: Do it, do it. Come on, do it. Do it, do it. [the woman pulls a box that has a dog whistle in it from her bag and starts blowing] Arrggh, yes! Yes! Argh, you bitch! Aarrgghh!
[At the Quaghog Marriott, Lois and Brian enter a room fulled with people where Peter is performing his psychic abilities]
Brian: Oh, my God, this is awful. There's got to be 200 people here.
[the audience applause Peter when he walks on stage and spotlights aims at him]
Peter: Thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Thank...[gasp] Hold on. I'm sensing something psychic. [to a woman in the audience] Ma'am, did you have a female relative who's passed on to the other side named, um, um...
Peter: [quickly] Polly! I said it first. [applause]
Man #1: That was amazing.
Man #2: I've never seen a bad show at the Marriott.
Lois: Oh, my God, they're all falling for this insanity.
Peter: I'm sensing a black guy over here. Is there a black guy?
Black Guy: [standing up, rising his hand] Me! I'm a black guy.
'[the crowd oohing and aahing and applauding]
Peter: Yes, good, good. I'm sensing your infant daughter has earrings.
Black Guy: He's right. She does. [the audiences applause]
Lois: [whispering] Peter, you got to stop this right now.
Peter: Shut up, Lois. Don't mess up my psychic-ness. [to the audience] I'm sensing a doctor in the audience. Where is the doctor?
Doctor: [stands up and rises his hand] I'm a doctor.
Peter: Okay. Your great grandmother is contacting me right now, and she wants to know [pulls his pants down revealing his butt with a rash on it] if this rash looks like it's going to go away.
Doctor: Well, I...I...I guess I'd tell her to use Bactine.
Peter: [childish] No! She says Bactine hurts. She wants something more soothing.
[Chris and Ellen walks back to Ellen's house]
Chris: Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight. I guess I'll talk to you soon.
Ellen: You're not leaving yet. I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae, so get in the house.
Chris: Okay, okay.
[Ellen goes inside her house. Once inside Ellen and Chris seat on the couch]
Ellen: Uh, unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button, I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen.
[Chris rushes to the kitchen to make Ellen her sundae]
Ellen: Oh, boy. [Ellen kicks her shoes off and starts rubbing her feet] My dogs are mooing today.
[Chris walks in with her sundae]
Ellen: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Chris: What's the matter?
Ellen: Did I say put chocolate sauce on there?
Chris: Well, I...I just thought that...
Ellen: You thought what? You know, if you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute.
Chris: [angrily] All right, that is it! [throws the sundae on the floor] I don't care how hot you are. I don't much like being treated this way. You know, I used to hear that people with Down's syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not. You're not different at all. You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else!
Ellen: I got bad news for you, buddy. You just blew it. Get out of my house now!
[Chris sadly walks out of Ellen's house and is approached by Stewie]
Stewie: How'd it go?
Chris: Looks like I totally screwed that up.
Stewie: No, you didn't. You made a vow that you were going to ask Ellen out, and you did. That took courage, my friend. Especially for a poor, timid sap like you. I'm proud of you.
Chris: Thanks, Stewie. I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her.
Stewie: Oh, she would have crushed your scrote into a diamond with her robot strength hand. Come on, let's get out of her.
[Peter, Joe and two other cops are in an open area in the woods at night]
Joe: All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb...
Peter: [quieting Joe] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. Does he have a wife?
Joe: Uh, yeah.
[Joe summons the victim's wife, who walks to Peter. Peter starts touching
Peter: [touching the victim's shoulder and moves down to her breast] Yeah, uh-huh. [moves down to her hips] Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[The victim's wife walks away]
Peter: It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter?
[Joe summons the victim's daughter who is fat and ugly]
Peter: Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe Well, yes, but she's only 12.
[the victim's daughter walks away]
Peter: Okay. Like-like a...like a young 12 or, like a "she eats a lot of milk products so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing, by the way.
Joe :[urgently] Peter, we're running out of time!
Peter: All right, all right, we'll try something else. I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond. I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress.
[Peter start twitching and becomes Lou Costello]
Peter: [as Lou Costello] Hi, everybody. It's me, Lou Costello. All right, what's the name of the guy we're looking for?
Joe: Well, he's an Asian fella--Melvin Hu.
Peter: That's what I want to find out.
Peter: The name of the guy.
Joe: Melvin Hu.
Peter: Are you a cop?
Peter: You handling this case?
Peter: Then, what's the name of the guy?
Peter: The guy we're looking for.
Peter: The guy who's buried.
Peter: The guy with the bomb.
Peter: What street's he live on?
[the bomb on the victim explodes off-screen with dirt landing everywhere and a piece of his leg lands in front of Peter and Joe]