Peter: Check it out, guys. A new driver's license.
Cleveland: What's wrong with your picture?
Peter: Well see. I got drunk, and then got my picture taken. So that way, when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on license. You know. And then the copper... the copper'll say: 'Aah. You're fine. You're not drunk. This is you normal. I can tell you by the picture.'
Cleveland: I wish, I've thought of that. [Shows his license] I just got my new license a month ago. [Cleveland is smiling wide]
Peter: What's with the big grin?
Cleveland: Oh, I just got a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky. Hey, lets see yours, Quagmire. [Peter takes a look]
Peter: Wait a second. You were born in 1948?
Quagmire: Aah. Yeah.
Peter: You're 61 years old?
Quagmire: Aah. Yes, sir.
Cleveland: [Returns the license to Quagmire] What's your secret?
Quagmire: Aah, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up in the juice or just eat 'em raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get 'em into my body somehow. [quietly singing to himself] Tsici-tsicaah.

Joe: Oh, she's just so smokin' hot! God, I would do things to her that... she would probably laugh at. You bitch!

Lois: Oh My God! It's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh. And I just laid in dog poop.
Cameraman: That's not dog poop, sorry, we've been out here a long time.

[With Peter Chernin, Chairman of Fox Network, after watching a segment from an episode of "Handi-quacks"]
Peter Chernin: [Laughs]
Peter Griffin: [Laughs] You with me?
Peter Chernin: I sure am!
Peter Griffin: You with me now?
Peter Chernin: I love it!
Peter Griffin: You know you love it!
Peter Chernin: I just have one small change.
Peter Griffin: Oh?
Peter Chernin: Could Poopyface Tomato-noses' nose, be a plum?
Peter Griffin: [Seethingly] ...How..dare you.
Peter Chernin: It's a small change. And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show.
Peter Griffin: A plum?? What is this, 1986??
Peter Chernin: Well, if you're gonna be a T.V. Producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration.
Peter Griffin: So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo, huh? Well no deal!
Peter Chernin: You know something? I like your passion. Okay! We'll do the show. And we'll do it your way.
Peter Griffin: ...No.
[Cuts to the Griffin house, where Peter and Chris are sitting on the couch]
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a miscalculation.

Fox Exec: Well, hi there, Brian!
Brian: How's it going, Adolf?
Fox Exec: I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust! [Brian stares] Ahahaha, no, I'm just joking. They were there, though.

Stewie: [in the high definition television set box] Look at me. I'm an Iraq war vet in 10 years. Nah, we're gonna take good care of them.

[Lois and Brian are at Michael Moore's house]
Lois: Alright, there it is. Stay close to me. [The camera zooms into Michael Moore's bedroom. Rush Limbaugh walks over and takes his clothes and himself off, turning into Michael Moore. Michael Moore walks over]
Lois: [gasps] This is it. Let's go. [they rush into the bedroom] Mr. Moore, Mr. Limbaugh, do you have anything to say to FOX News about this... what the hell? [Michael Moore has a naked Rush Limbaugh suit]
Michael Moore: Who are you?
Lois: What's that suit on the bed? And what have you done with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh?
Michael Moore: I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume.
Brian: Wait a minute. You mean all these years, Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise?
Michael Moore: Well, it's a little more complex than that.
Lois: What are you talking about? [Michael Moore unzips himself, revealing Fred Savage] Fred Savage?!
Brian: Wait a minute. You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore?
Fred Savage: Yes I am. They're both characters I created.
Lois: But... why?
Fred Savage: Well, after The Wonder Years, I was hungry to do some more acting, but the pickings were slim. So I came up with this scheme to satisfy my need to perform, and I guess it got a little out of hand.
Brian: This is unbelievable!
Fred Savage: Well, that's not the end of it. [walks over to a closet and slides the doors open, revealing other costumes] I'm also Tony Danza, Camryn Manheim, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe and Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich.
Brian: Wow, Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the world!
Fred Savage: That's all I ever wanted people to know.
Lois: Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.
Fred Savage: You got a deal.
Daniel Stern: [voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved...
Fred Savage: [shouts] I don't need you anymore!!

Seth Rogen: [to Ellen DeGeneres] What the fuck, did you eat pussy backstage???

Stewie: Hey, Lois, a little less yakety-yak and a little more cutting up my banana! What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean I... [sticks the banana in his mouth] Oh, hello.

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