Family Goy/Quotes

[Quagmire opens the door.]

Peter: Quagmire? Hey, uh, nobody see you in days.

Quagmire: (seems exhausted) Hey, Peter. I was just been, uh..., checking out some of that internet porn.

Peter: You okay?

Quagmire: Yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good... I'm just gonna... (he lifts his left arm to point to the mailbox, revealing that it is incredibly muscular) go on and check my mailbox over there...

Peter: You been liftin' weights?

Quagmire: Uh, no... (pauses) No, no... I don't think so... Um, uh, um, I'm-I'm sorry, Peter... I gotta, I gotta get back. (Goes back to his house)

Peter: I want everyone to call me by my Hebrew name: Gggwggwg...

Lois: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?

Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.

Brian: (sighs) Thank you!

[In the Jewish pre-school, Stewie is standing with his other classmates for gym class, in a soccer field]

Gym Teacher: Alright, today we're gonna play soccer.

[He drops the soccer ball he's holding, and it rolls towards Stewie. After looking at it for a few seconds, Stewie half-heartedly kicks it, slowly pushing it several inches in front of him. The class stare blankly at the ball for a few seconds. It then immediately cuts to a trophy case, inside of it, a trophy of Stewie kicking a soccer ball with dynamic vigor. The trophy case reads: Mount Sinai Pre-School Athletic Hall of Fame. Stewie is standing beside it, staring at it blankly for a few seconds]

Stewie: Huh...that was easy.

[The Griffin family enter a synagogue]

Stewie: Look at all these short, hairy men. God I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.

[Later, in the car, Peter talking about the excellence of Jewish schooling]

Stewie: I'm not goin' to no Jewish School! [Crosses arms] Sittin' around all day with a bunch of short, hairy guys. I'll feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.

Chris: Didn't you [Quick exhale]- didn't you make that joke the other day?

Stewie: Oh...yeah. No I-I just I wasn't sure if everybody had um...tch...[While sighing] had heard.

[At the Synagogue, a boy whispers in Meg's ear. Her eyes open wide and she turns to Lois]

Meg: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?

Lois: [tiredly] I hope so Meg, I really do.

Peter [with a sly look] Its not Lois, its not.

[In Peter and Lois' room, Lois refuses to have sex with Peter. Peter decides to watch TV]

Peter: [Exasperated sigh] Fine, I'll just sit here and watch TV.

[He turns on the TV. A voice-over on the television speaks]

TV Announcer: We now return to Mark Wahlberg in: Annoyed and Confused.

[Cut to the TV show, where Mark Wahlberg is standing on a street corner, looking to his left]

Mark Wahlberg: What? What's goin' on? I don't get it...Man I gotta work out. What's goin' on here?? Where am I?? What the f-...huh?! What the hell's goin' on here?! Huh?? WHAT?!

Brian: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff.

Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi — hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?

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