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[Quagmire opens the door]
Peter: Quagmire? Hey, uh, nobody see you in days.
Quagmire: [seems exhausted] Hey, Peter. I was just been, uh..., checking out some of that internet porn.
Peter: You okay?
Quagmire: Yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good... I'm just gonna... [he lifts his left arm to point to the mailbox, revealing that it is incredibly muscular] go on and check my mailbox over there...
Peter: You been liftin' weights?
Quagmire: Uh, no...no, no... I don't think so... Um, uh, um, I'm... I'm sorry, Peter... I gotta, I gotta get back.

Peter: I want everyone to call me by my Hebrew name: Gggwggwg...

Peter: But then Jesus, what religion should our family be?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian: Thank you!

[At Mt. Sinai Preschool, Stewie is standing with his other classmates for gym class, in a soccer field]
Gym Teacher: Alright, today we're gonna play soccer.
[He drops the soccer ball he's holding, and it rolls towards Stewie. After looking at it for a few seconds, Stewie half-heartedly kicks it, slowly pushing it several inches in front of him. It then immediately cuts to a trophy case,The trophy case reads: Mount Sinai Pre-School Athletic Hall of Fame]
Stewie: Huh...that was easy.

[The Griffin family enter a synagogue]
Stewie: Look at all these short, hairy men. God I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
[Later, in the car, Peter talking about the excellence of Jewish schooling]
Stewie: I'm not goin' to no Jewish School! Sittin' around all day with a bunch of short, hairy guys. I'll feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
Chris: Didn't you...didn't you make that joke the other day?
Stewie: Oh...yeah. No I...I just I wasn't sure if everybody had um...tch...had heard.

[At the Synagogue, a boy whispers in Meg's ear. Her eyes open wide and she turns to Lois]
Meg: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois: [tiredly] I hope so Meg, I really do.
Peter: [with a sly look] It's not Lois, it's not.

[In Peter and Lois' room, Lois refuses to have sex with Peter. Peter decides to watch TV]
Peter: Fine, I'll just sit here and watch TV.
[He turns on the TV. A voice-over on the television speaks]
TV Announcer: We now return to Mark Wahlberg in: Annoyed and Confused.
[Cut to the TV show, where Mark Wahlberg is standing on a street corner, looking confused]
Mark Wahlberg: What? What's goin' on? I don't get it...Man I gotta work out. What's goin' on here?? Where am I?? What the f...huh?! What the hell's goin' on here?! Huh?? WHAT?!

Brian: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spinoff.
Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi...hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?

Francis' Ghost: Peter.
Peter: Dad?
Francis' Ghost: What do you think you're doing, Peter. You were raised Catholic. If you forsake your religion, you'll spend eternity in hell.
Peter: Oh God, I don't want that.
Francis' Ghost: Then you better knock off all the Jewish stuff.
Peter: Alright, if that's what you think is best. Wait dad, before you go, can you say, 'Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System'?
Francis' Ghost: Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System.
Peter: Thanks.

[Lois is going to the mailbox to check the mail, and Peter aims for the mailbox, and shoots it]
Lois: Aah! WHAT THE HELL?!
[Peter holds the sniper rifle up his shoulders and he stretches]
Lois: Are you out of your fucking mind!?
Peter: Relax, Lois, I was just aiming for the mailbox and I was just trying to make a point.
Mort: Good morning, Lois.
[Another bullet is fired, but it hit the street]
Mort: [ducking] Aah!
Lois: Peter, for god's sake! [turns to Mort] Oh, I am so sorry, Mort.
Mort: It's okay Lois that's how people say hello to me.
[Another bullet is fired, to the left]
Mort: Hi Joe.
Joe: [off camera] Hey Mort.

Peter: Now, if you wanna go to hell, that's fine. But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally-handicapped rooster.
[Cut to a farm]
Rooster #1: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Rooster #2: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Mentally-handicapped Rooster: Goodnight, everybody!

[Lois is waking up in the morning. Her eyes suddenly widen and the camera zooms out to reveal herself tied to a wooden cross]
Lois: What the...?
[Peter comes in angrily throwing rocks at her]
Peter: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH!?! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?!

Peter: Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.

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