Lois: I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.
[Cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]
Peter: Is that my ass?

Peter: Son of a bitch! They also stole my sense of wonder.
[Cutaway of Peter standing in front of a rainbow, then he turns back]
Peter: Nope.

Peter: You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in your mouth

Peter: Um a farm? It's where vegetables live.

Peter: And Meg, you yourself said "Lip Gloss, unicorns, Channing Tatum, something, something, bullcrap."
Meg: You were listening the whole time?

Stewie: Aw! He packed a guitar? What a douche!

Peter: Hang on, guys, it might just be the Tasmanian Devil.

Stewie: I think we should clean this place up, it's a 'meth'! Brian? Oh yeah, he's at college.

Peter: I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies!

Chris: I have a crossbow!
Peter: Chris has a crossbow.

[Peter enters the kitchen to see a tired Chris and Meg]
Peter: Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.
Chris: But dad, we've been plowing all morning.
Meg: Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk.
Peter: Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but Chris, you've got to spread that seed until your sack is empty, and Meg, you've got to clear that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.
Chris: Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.
Peter: Well, flip it over, you can use both sides.

Lois: Crime? I've never noticed this in Quahog.
Stewie: You're in the house fourteen hours a day. What would you notice?

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