Bob Ross: All right, we're gonna use a fan brush here, and, uh I want you to take some hunter green, and we're gonna put a happy little bush down here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone...that that bush is there...I will come to your house and I will cut you.
Peter: Aw, jeez, mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, the hell with it.
Lois: It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, kids?
Meg: Are you kidding?! God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.
[cutaway to a teenage girl coming downstairs to exit]
Lisa: Bye, dad. Don't wait up.
Ronald McDonald: Woah-woah-woah-woah, wait a minute, wait a minute, Lisa, come back here. [Lisa walks back] You're not going out with all that makeup on.
Lisa: But Dad...
Ronald McDonald: Upstairs! You're a McDonald. Not a whore.
Brian: [after Peter's clam costume is washed away in the water and he's naked] Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.
[Lois is watching her replacement on TV]
Fran Drescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party. [nasal laugh]
Lois: [in the same nasal tone] Augh! I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we've lost our daughter.
Peter: [after falling through the stairs] Hey Lois, have you seen my fake beard...? Oh, crap, I'm stuck in the stairs.
Peter: [after embarrassing Meg and her friends at Meg's sleepover] Aw, geez, I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to ya; I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance.
Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!! [cutaway to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera] Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. I...it wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I...I...I do. I have no problem...it's just, there's always a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her...it's just...I...I just want her, not to be alive, anymore. Uh, I...I sometimes wonder if...if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: "My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Stewie: Well, Beth, what do you think? Did Mark find you attractive?
Beth: Ah-heh, I dunno.
Stewie: Well, have you asked him?
Beth: Not exactly.
Stewie: Alright, look, let's...let's try some role-play. I'll be Mark, and you asked me out to th...the box social, or whatever the devil it is you children are doing these days.
Peter: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds, but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
Fake Meg: [While indicating to her ample bosom] I'm going upstairs to write in my diary how I'll never grow big-full breasts like these!
[Peter's sitcom where he's a retired baseball pitcher turned bartender at the center of the earth]
Peter: You know, we don't get many of you molten rock men in here.
Molten rock man: Well, at these prices, I'm not surprised.
Peter: That's it, pal. You are outta here!
Peter: Here's what I think of your contract. [is about to tear it up, but doesn't] I think it's awful and I don't care much for it, my good sir.
Meg: That's it, I want those cameras off!
Chris: Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall!
Chris: [to the "Confessional" camera] One time, my dad pooped in the neighbor's lawn and then lied about it.
Joe: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.
Bonnie: Wow. Joe, this sorta makes you like Larry from Three's Company; you know, I always though he was sexy.
Joe: YES! I am all about Larry over here!
Peter: [standing at urinal] Uh-oh. Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning! Don't worry! I'll put it out! Aaahhh! Ehehehehehehehehe!
Lois: Meg, you have two parents who love you and...[notices second TV] What does that say under me? [reads TV next to her that says "Lois Griffin...probably more of a bitch than she lets on"] Oh, go fuck yourself, Diane.
Brian: [spits martini] Fpfff!
Stewie: She said a swear!
Peter: C'mon, we gotta get back. The cameraman think we're takin' Chris to soccer practice.
[cutaway to Peter's wagon; two Raggedy Ann dolls pose in front]
Chris: We're gonna be late. WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?
Stewie: You there! Bingo! It seems the naughty baby has made a messy poo in it...I say, what's this? Volume. Volume!
Peter: Hey...hey, camera guy, check this out...Peter Griffin and Madam. Oh Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you? You're the one with the hand up my backside, darling. Ohp! She got me.
[the cameraman walks forward closely to "Meg"]
Peter: Hey! Hey, come back here! Hey...she's gonna sing "Rainbow Connection"!
Meg: Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? [gasps, looks away] Oh, my God, excuse me.
Quagmire: [lunges a bimbo] Hey, no problem, Meg; you probably have bought another three minutes. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity!