Bob Ross: All right, we're gonna use a fan brush here, and, uh I want you to take some hunter green, and we're gonna put a happy little bush down here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone...that that bush is there ... I will come to your house and I will cut you.

Peter: Aw, jeez, mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, the hell with it.

---

Lois: It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, kids?

Meg: Are you kidding?! God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.

[cutaway to a teenage girl coming downstairs to exit]

Lisa: Bye, dad. Don't wait up.

Ronald McDonald: Woah-woah-woah-woah, wait a minute – wait a minute, Lisa, come back here. [Lisa walks back] You're not going out with all that makeup on.

Lisa: But Dad—

Ronald McDonald: Upstairs! You're a McDonald. Not a whore.

---

Brian: [after Peter's clam costume is washed away in the water and he's naked] Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.

---

[The reality TV show The Real Life Griffins has been butchered by the producers. The entire family has been replaced, and the Griffin family is being paid to live in a motel until the season is retired. Lois is watching her replacement on TV]

Fran Drescher (playing Lois on TV): (nasal) Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party. (trademark nasal laugh)

Lois: (in the same nasal tone) Augh! I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we've lost our daughter.

---

Peter [after falling through the stairs]: Hey Lois, have you seen my fake beard –? Oh, crap, I'm stuck in the stairs.

---

Peter [after embarrassing Meg and her friends at Meg's sleepover]: Aw, geez, I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to ya; I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance.

---

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!! [cutaway to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera] Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. I-it wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I-I-I do. I have no problem...it's just, there's always a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her...it's just...I-I just want her, not to be alive, anymore. Uh, I-I sometimes wonder if-if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: "My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

---

Stewie: Well, Beth, what do you think? Did Mark find you attractive?

Beth: Ah-heh, I dunno.

Stewie: Well, have you asked him?

Beth: Not exactly.

Stewie: Alright, look, let's-let's try some role-play. I'll be Mark, and you asked me out to th-the box social, or whatever the devil it is you children are doing these days.

---

Peter: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds, but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

---

Fake Meg: I'm going upstairs to write in my diary how I'll never grow big-full breasts like these! [runs upstairs; camera crew follows her upstairs]

---

[Peter's sitcom where he's a retired baseball pitcher turned bartender at the center of the earth]

Peter: You know, we don't get many of you molten rock men in here.

Molten rock man: Well, at these prices, I'm not surprised.

Peter: That's it, pal. You are outta here!

---

Peter: Here's what I think of your contract. [is about to tear it up, but doesn't] I think it's awful and I don't care much for it, my good sir.

---

Meg: That's it, I want those cameras off!

Chris: Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall!

---

Chris [to the "Confessional" camera]: One time, my dad pooped in the neighbor's lawn and then lied about it.

[Swanson lounge]

Joe: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shell to clean it up.

Bonnie: Wow. Joe, this sorta makes you like Larry from Three's Company; you know, I always though he was sexy.

Joe: YES! I am all about Larry over here!

---

Peter: [standing at urinal] Uh-oh. Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning! Don't worry! I'll put it out! Aaahhh! Ehehehehehehehehe!

---

Lois: Meg, you have two parents who love you and – [notices second TV] What does that say under me? [reads TV next to her that says "Lois Griffin – probably more of a bitch than she lets on"] Oh, go fuck yourself, Diane.

Brian: [spits martini] Fpfff!

Stewie: She said a swear!

---

Peter: C'mon, we gotta get back. The cameraman think we're takin' Chris to soccer practice.

[cutaway to Peter's wagon; two Raggedy Ann dolls pose in front]

Chris: We're gonna be late. WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?

---

Stewie: You there! Bingo! It seems the naughty baby has made a messy poo in it— I say, what's this? Volume. Volume!

---

Peter: Hey – hey, cameraguy, check this out – Peter Griffin and Madam. Oh Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you? You're the one with the hand up my backside, darling. Ohp! She got me.

[the cameraman walks forward closely to "Meg"]

Peter: Hey! Hey, come back here! Hey— she's gonna sing "Rainbow Connection"!

---

Meg: Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? [gasps, looks away] Oh, my God, excuse me.

Quagmire: [lunges a bimbo] Hey, no problem, Meg; you probably have bought another three minutes. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity!

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