Lois: Listen up everybody, it's time for spring cleaning.
Peter/Brian/Chris/Meg: Spring cleaning? Aw, not again! [surprised] That was weird. Boy, that was weird too.
Lois: If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time.
Peter: Lois, I swore that I'd never clean again, not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesperson. [cutaway to a counter] Wait a second Rosie, I just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds.
Rosie: What is this?
Peter: 4 seconds.
Rosie: is that...?
Peter: 3 seconds
Rosie: It smells like...
Peter: Clean my pee!

Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I got stuff to do.
Lois: Sweetheart we all know that you don't have any stuff to do. Now I don't wanna hear anymore excuses from anyone.
Peter/Brian/Chris/Meg: Aw, crap! We did it again! [long pause] Ruth Bader Ginsberg! Oooooooohhh.

Kevin: Dad, I dug the latrines fifty feet out.
Joe: [unimpressed] Oh, that's great, Kevin. You want a cookie every time you do something right? Go get some firewood!
Kevin: Yes, sir!
Joe: [turning to Peter and smiling] He's gonna grow up to be quite a man.
[Flash forward to Kevin grown up with an attractive blonde in bed with him]
Woman: [looks up at Kevin] That was incredible, Kevin.
Kevin: [looks at her] I'm not here to impress you. [turns to see Joe looking at them] Am I, Dad?
Joe: Did I say you could rest yet?!

Peter: Hah, so beautiful. It's almost as if this world was created especially for me. [zoom out to reveal a hand touches a screen monitor]
Manager: You think he's onto us, Christof?
Christof: No, he's an idiot.

Peter: Hey, Chris!
Chris: Hey, Dad! I'm workin'! I'm work...OW!
Peter: Careful Chris, you don't get dental for 60 days.

John Robinson: We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out on the chariot for the rest of the day; Penny, you stay here with me; and Will, you and the Robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you.

Paddy: How'd he get him to come to ya?
Peter: With this.
Paddy: Oh.
Peter: Love.
Paddy: Jealousy.
Peter: Touch.
Paddy: Forever.
Peter: Intense.
Paddy: Passion.
Peter/Paddy: Obsession. Calvin Klein.

Chris: Where should we sit?
Quagmire: Heh! That's not up to me, kid; I follow the old divining rod. Whoooa! WHA-HA-HA-HA-ha-ha!

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