[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]
Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Brian: Come on, Lois, I think you're overreacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell what he can and can't do.
Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I'm not goin' to family night. My agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumpin' off the roof.
Brian: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves!
Peter: Don't worry, we can fly! I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy – either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. [noise of loud sniffing] Agh! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner!
Brian: Peter, let go of me! Aggh! [he and Peter belly flop to front porch] Dammit!

Bruce: [To Peter] A lot of heat comes off you, don't it?

Quagmire: You think we're the only people on Earth?
Peter: I don't know. I'll tell you what; I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix. If people don't show up, then we're it. [Opens bag] Yup. We're it.

Quagmire: What's your name?
Joe: I kinda think it's Manly Walker.
Quagmire: Wheeler?
Joe: No. Walker.
Quagmire: Wheeler?
Joe: No. You're not hearing me right. It's Walker.
Quagmire: It's probably Wheeler.

Peter: [Listening to "Surfing Bird"] That's annoying.

Brian: Maybe I was a speech writer for the first-ever black President.
Brian: Hey. Can he say the word "ask," or is that a word we should avoid?
[Back to present]
Joe: Yeah, and I bet you I was the voice of an animated bird.
Joe: I thought I saw a cat. I did see a cat.

Peter: "Moo," says my mailbox.

Quagmire: [To Brian] Shut the fuck up.

Peter: I would kill everyone in the world and leave three survivors for a piece of pie right now.

Peter: There's no "I" in "pie." Except for the "I." But enough about numbers.

Quagmire: I have a lot of dirty stuff in my house.

Joe: [To Peter] When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg. And you're a bad egg.

[Bonnie, Meg, and Lois are attacking each other]
Stewie: They've only been in there for three minutes. Haven't even tried to figure out each other's names yet.

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