- Chris: Hey dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.
- Peter: Okay, are you a television set or the Internet?
- Chris: No.
- Peter: Oh, then no.
- [Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
- Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!
- Peter: It's almost Christmas, it's almost Christmas.
- Peter's Twin: Christmas?
- Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
- Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?
- Peter: You overstepped! No Christmas!
- Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
- Chris: Let me show you something...
- [Time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]
- Carter: That... was... amazing! And Linda Carter wasn't actually here?
- Chris: No, that was just in your mind!
- Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
- Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
- Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.
- [a crash is heard]
- Peter: Oh no, my hairless twin got out! [cocks gun, a gunshot is heard]
- Peter's Twin: [holding gun] Hello, family. Let's eat all the garbage we want.
- Peter: Listen Carter, you take me out of your will, I'm taking you out of mine! [grabs a sheet of paper and rips it]
- Lois: Peter, that wasn't your will. That was your birth certificate.
- Peter: Oh no! [begins fading and gasps] There's no light! There's only fire!
- Brian: Look, Carter, I suppose you're entitled to do what you want, but, you know, I'm just saying if it were me, I would give all the money to charity.
- Carter: Oh yeah, which charity?
- Brian: Well, there are just so many that do such great work.
- Carter: Name just one.
- Brian: Um... well you know... Poor... Green... Whale... Guns... Books?
- Carter: You are such a fraud.
- [cut to a green whale holding a gun and a book]
- Whale: Why won't anyone help us?!
- Peter: For years, now, I've been planning on retiring at 45 so I can work on finding a cure for ballzheimer's disease.
- [cut to Peter, who is holding objects covered in blood]
- Lois: Peter, are those testicles? Where did you get those?!
- Peter: [sobbing] I don't remember!
- Peter: Hey Chris, remember that kid you said was bullying you at school? Well here's his head.
- Chris: [screams] That's not even him! That's the deaf kid!
- Peter: Oh, that was sign language. I thought he was trying to defend himself with terrible karate.
- Chris: Miley Cyrus had sex with a foam finger at like 6 P.M. Central Time.
- Chris: [sleeping] Mumbling while asleep to indicate dream content.
- Peter: Chris Griffin, will you marry me?
- Chris: What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son?
- Peter: It is in Vermont. As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there. They're a bunch of liberal degenerates.
- Chris: I don't know, it seems really weird. I mean, aren't men supposed to marry women?
- Peter: No, no no, that's just all of human history except for the last five months.
- [Joe, after witnessing Peter's plan to marry Chris, grabs Kevin's hand]
- Kevin: No, Dad!
- Joe: I don't know what normal is anymore.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Fresh Heir's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 11 | Family Guy Season 12 | Season 13 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | Finders Keepers | #08 | Christmas Guy | #15 | Secondhand Spoke | ||||||
| #02 | Vestigial Peter | #09 | Peter Problems | #16 | Herpe, the Love Sore | ||||||
| #03 | Quagmire's Quagmire | #10 | Grimm Job | #17 | The Most Interesting Man in the World | ||||||
| #04 | A Fistful of Meg | #11 | Brian's a Bad Father | #18 | Baby Got Black | ||||||
| #05 | Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee | #12 | Mom's the Word | #19 | Meg Stinks! | ||||||
| #06 | Life of Brian | #13 | 3 Acts of God | #20 | He's Bla-ack! | ||||||
| #07 | In Harmony's Way | #14 | Fresh Heir | #21 | Chap Stewie | ||||||