Chris: Hey dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.
Peter: Okay, are you a television set or the Internet?
Chris: No.
Peter: Oh, then no.

[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!
Peter: It's almost Christmas, it's almost Christmas.
Peter's Twin: Christmas?
Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?
Peter: You overstepped! No Christmas!

Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
Chris: Let me show you something...
[Time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]
Carter: That... was... amazing! And Linda Carter wasn't actually here?
Chris: No, that was just in your mind!
Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.

[a crash is heard]
Peter: Oh no, my hairless twin got out! [cocks gun, a gunshot is heard]
Peter's Twin: [holding gun] Hello, family. Let's eat all the garbage we want.

Peter: Listen Carter, you take me out of your will, I'm taking you out of mine! [grabs a sheet of paper and rips it]
Lois: Peter, that wasn't your will. That was your birth certificate.
Peter: Oh no! [begins fading and gasps] There's no light! There's only fire!
Brian: Look, Carter, I suppose you're entitled to do what you want, but, you know, I'm just saying if it were me, I would give all the money to charity.
Carter: Oh yeah, which charity?
Brian: Well, there are just so many that do such great work.
Carter: Name just one.
Brian: Um... well you know... Poor... Green... Whale... Guns... Books?
Carter: You are such a fraud.
[cut to a green whale holding a gun and a book]
Whale: Why won't anyone help us?!

Peter: For years, now, I've been planning on retiring at 45 so I can work on finding a cure for ballzheimer's disease.
[cut to Peter, who is holding objects covered in blood]
Lois: Peter, are those testicles? Where did you get those?!
Peter: [sobbing] I don't remember!

Peter: Hey Chris, remember that kid you said was bullying you at school? Well here's his head.
Chris: [screams] That's not even him! That's the deaf kid!
Peter: Oh, that was sign language. I thought he was trying to defend himself with terrible karate.

Chris: Miley Cyrus had sex with a foam finger at like 6 P.M. Central Time.

Chris: [sleeping] Mumbling while asleep to indicate dream content.

Peter: Chris Griffin, will you marry me?
Chris: What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son?
Peter: It is in Vermont. As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there. They're a bunch of liberal degenerates.
Chris: I don't know, it seems really weird. I mean, aren't men supposed to marry women?
Peter: No, no no, that's just all of human history except for the last five months.

[Joe, after witnessing Peter's plan to marry Chris, grabs Kevin's hand]
Kevin: No, Dad!
Joe: I don't know what normal is anymore.

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