Peter: You're not gonna get away with this, Mister Googlesearch!
Herbert: Only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive!
[Franz rips his clothes of to reveal his Nazi uniform]
Franz: Bring it on!
[While Chris is playing with two puppets that look like Edward & Jacob from "Twilight"]
Edward: I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl.
Jacob: I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl.
Edward: Boy, she sure can act though, can't she?
Chris: The end!
Herbert: It was 1944. I was a young Air Force pilot assigned as part of an escort for a bombing raid over Southern Germany, when we encountered the Luftwaffe. At first, we thought we were in the clear because the Germans were frightened by the scary shark face on the front of my plane.
German Pilot 1: Aah! A shark!
German Pilot 2: How did it get all the way up here in the sky?
German Pilot 1: Who cares, you fool? You want to get eaten? Retreat!
Herbert: But there was one stubborn pilot who saw through my disguise.
[The pilot shoots down several planes before finally gunning down Herbert's plane]
Herbert: Most of the surviving American pilots were take to POW camps. But for some reason, they thought I was gay. So I was taken to a concentration camp. Behind those walls, there was one guard who decided everyone's fate. If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died. That man was Franz Schlechtnacht. I was spared death, but I was given hard labor. He made me sort the camp recyclables, but some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make 'em kinda sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kinda sticky! Oh!
[Lieutenant Schlechtnacht laughs cruelly at Herbert]
Herbert: No one should have to suffer the way I suffered. So that's why Chris should stay away from that puppet store guy.
Herbert: You know, Chris, all my life, I've wanted to see you locked in a basement. But now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out!
Lois: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!
Chris: [after shooting his father] Next time, remember my birthday, asshole!
Peter: [To Herbert] Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder Thighs are on the move, Thunder Thighs are loose."
Chris: Mr. Herbert! MR. HERBERT! Oh, he can't hear me. JESSE! JESSE!