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Go, Stewie, Go!/Quotes

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[Stewie's bedroom. Before the audition]
Stewie: Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition?
Brian: What audition?
Stewie: Why, for the American Jolly Farm, of course. Now, which picture? Playful, or more playful?
Brian: Who the fuck took these?!
Stewie: [snatches photos] The professional photographer, that's who! Now come on, help me rehearse the audition scene. [both grab scripts and rehearse] "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?"
Brian: I don't wanna go to the farm; we don't know anybody there.
Stewie: No, Brian, you have to give Mary some attitude. Look, you do my line and I'll show you.
Brian: [sighs; back to rehearsal] "Mary, would you like to...?"
Stewie: [concern] Without the sigh in front of it, please.
Brian: "Mary, would you like to go to the farm and learn about the animals?"
Stewie: [stern, drops script] I don't want to go to the farm! We don't even know anybody there! [Brian looks photos again] You see, she's a real spitfire, this girl; now, you've gotta bring that out or else I'll have nothing to react to.
Brian: [agape at third photo] Oh, my God!
Stewie: [snatches photos; frightened] Please, don't show Mom! He told me that's what a headshot was!

[after seeing Meg's perfect boyfriend]
Cleveland: This was worth the 500-mile drive.

Randall: Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse!
Stagehand: Quiet on the set!
Julie: Don't mind Randall. He's getting into character.
Stewie/Karina: Is he playing a dick?

Julie: I'm really glad you could come over Karina.
Karina: Oh so am I Jules, it's been so fun... so I guess I sleep in the guestroom ro whatnot?
Julie: No, you can sleep in here with me.
Karina: Oh... my... I hope there's room for both of us. I'll just squeeze in here.
[Stewie gets into Julies bed and lies there, staring at the ceiling]
Karina: You know... I really like spending time with you, Julie.
Julie: Me too. Why couldn't we just have girlfriends instead of boyfriends?
Karina: I know, it's all one big, confusing mess.
Julie: ...Can I snuggle with you?
Karina: ...Uh-huh.
[Julie moves in and cuddles with Stewie. He leans down and kisses her forehead]
Karina: Good night Julie.

Stewie: Karina!
Karina: Yes?
Stewie: You have a visitor.
Karina: Who is it?
Stewie: Oh it's that nice girl Julie, from your show.
Karina: Oh Julie. Did she say what she wanted?
Stewie: Oh just go and see for yourself, I'm not your secretary, Karina.
Karina: Why are you so cruel to me? Is it because I'm the pretty one? The talented one?
Stewie: Oh for god's sakes. You know we're all sick of you Karina! That's right, all of us.
Karina: Sick of me? Oh that's rich! You know, I wasn't going to say this, but mother hates you!
Stewie: That's not true! You take that back!
Karina: It is true, she hates you. She told me. It was the Christmas we all went to Enavale Railroad, and you cried because you were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget, and father said "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" and he left that very night! And all you cared about was Ice Cream on the way home. And mother said you didn't appreciate anything-
Brian: KARINA!
Karina: Coming!

[At the Park Barrington Hotel, Brian is having a drink when Stewie/Karina walks in]
Karina: Hello there.
Brian: Hello.
Karina: Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely. I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink.
Brian: Well, that'd be my pleasure. And maybe later I can show you some the local points of interest. There's one right below the table.
Karina: Oh, my, you're very bold.
Brian: Well, when your lifespan is 13 years, you gotta be direct.
Karina: Lucky for you, I like bold men. Karina, Karina Smirnoff.
Brian: Brian, Brian Steel.
Karina: Ooh, good heavens!
Brian: Man, your accent is sexy.
Karina: Oh, this is all moving very quickly. I'm afraid I'm a little light-headed. You must think I'm a fool.
Brian: I'm...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on too strong.
Karina: Oh, that's alright. I've been missing a man's touch, lo these many months.
Brian: And I've been missing a woman's touch.
[Brian moves Stewie/Karina's hand to his penis when Stewie speaks in his normal voice]
Stewie: Brian, Brian, it's me, Stewie!
[Brian suddenly refrains his hand]
Stewie: Oh, my God, that was hilarious! You really fell for it! I-I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" And then when you did, I was like, "I guess I should see how far I can take it 'cause you know it'll be funnier."
Brian: I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that?!
Stewie: Uh, because I'm the star of Jolly Farm. Remember how they only needed little girls?
Brian: Oh, my God. I'm telling Lois.
Stewie: You're not telling anybody, friend. No, no, you're gonna be my on-set guardian.
Brian: You're out of your mind.
[Brian gets up to leave when Stewie stops him]
Stewie: Brian, we both know I touched it. Now, if you'd like to keep that just between us, I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers.
[Brian reluctantly sits back down]
Stewie: See? We're having a nice time.

[Julie goes to take a nap with Randall who smacks her bottom]
Stewie: I don't think that guy's right for her. Do you see the way he treats her?
Brian: What do you care?
Stewie: Because...I think I'm in love with her. Whenever I'm with her, it makes my band-aid start to peel off.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: I'm talking about my thing. Gotta hide it for the camera. Instead of tucking, I just push it in like a button and put a band-aid over it.
Brian: What kind of band-aid?
Stewie: Big one. Big giant one. Nah, just one of those little dots you put on a shot.

Lois: Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.
Meg: I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!
Lois: Look, I understand that you're upset.
Meg: You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?
Lois: I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.
Meg: Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
Lois: Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.
Meg: You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]
Lois: Oh, my God.
Meg: He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!
Lois: Well, when you're ready to talk...

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