Peter: Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or a porn. Let's find out.

Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire: Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.

Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: So, what happened with you and those three little pigs? Why did you want to eat them so badly?
Big Bad Wolf/Brian: It's so amazing that that's what people think happened! First of all, I didn't want to eat them! I wanted to talk to one of them!
Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: About what?
Big Bad Wolf/Brian: Well, she was my ex-girlfriend and I believed I was due an explanation about why she was such a fucking whore.

[After the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]
Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.

[The fairy godmother offers Cinderella a wish]
Cinderella/Lois: I want that bitch Snow White to just admit she had an abortion.

Dog/Brian: [wagging his tail] Chew toys, take the chew toys.

[The fairy godmother turns the dog into a horse]
Dog/Brian: Oh yeah that's...yeah just change me into whatever, yeah that's cool, thanks.