- Peter: Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or a porn. Let's find out.
- Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire: Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.
- Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: So, what happened with you and those three little pigs? Why did you want to eat them so badly?
- Big Bad Wolf/Brian: It's so amazing that that's what people think happened! First of all, I didn't want to eat them! I wanted to talk to one of them!
- Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: About what?
- Big Bad Wolf/Brian: Well, she was my ex-girlfriend and I believed I was due an explanation about why she was such a fucking whore.
- [After the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]
- Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.
- [The fairy godmother offers Cinderella a wish]
- Cinderella/Lois: I want that bitch Snow White to just admit she had an abortion.
- Dog/Brian: [wagging his tail] Chew toys, take the chew toys.
- [The fairy godmother turns the dog into a horse]
- Dog/Brian: Oh yeah that's...yeah just change me into whatever, yeah that's cool, thanks.
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