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Grumpy Old Man/Quotes

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[The Griffin family watches the Channel 5 news]
Tom Tucker: Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.
Joyce Kinney: But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.
Tom Tucker: [annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.
[Tricia Takanawa is shown outside, where it's packed with snow]
Tricia Takanawa: I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top every time there is a blizzard.
Douchebag: Yeah, this is nothin'. Guy at work drank at quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

[cutaway to how a pizza place ruins a salad]
Mustache Italian: Okay, four pizza's and a salad.
Other Italian: Salad? What's a salad?
Mustache Italian: First, you throw in a whole head of lettuce.
Other Italian: Also the hard-to-eat part at the bottom?
Mustache Italian: That's what the people want! Now what else?
Other Italian: I got a can of whole olives, should I slice 'em up?
Mustache Italian: What are you, crazy? No, you keep 'em whole. You're gonna wanna know you have an olive in your mouth.
Other Italian: What about this tomato?
Mustache Italian: Cut it into thirds, it's gotta be big enough to pretend you got red teeth.
Other Italian: What about this carrot, should I cut it up?
Mustache Italian: Yes, but very thin length-wise. Whole length of the carrot, one thin slice. Okay, what else do we got?
Other Italian: Well, we've got these hot peppers but you can't really eat 'em.
Mustache Italian: No problem, dump 'em all in.
Other Italian: Now should we put it in a bowl?
Mustache Italian: No! Let's put it in a lasagna tray.
Other Italian: Okay, I'll take it.
Mustache Italian: Oh, and don't forget to stick it right on top of the pizza's so it stays nice and warm. [phone rings] Hello, every pizza place.

[Mayor Adam West is sleeping until he wakes up]
Mayor Adam West: [sees an broken egg] Oh no. The egg that was supposed to take care of for my high school project. Mr. Berk was right. I'm not ready to be a parent. Wait a minute, I'm not in high school anymore. Maybe this was all a dream. [wakes up in the night] Agh! It was a dream. [gets out of bed] I need a glass of water. [he is in the desert instead of his room] Wait a minute, I moved out of the desert years ago. Maybe this is a dream. [he sleeps until he wakes up] Agh! [sees an egg next to him] Whew. I am ready to be a parent, Mr. Berk.

[drill sergeant with Alzheimer's cutaway]
Drill Sergeant: Looks like we got ourselves a joker here, what's your name soldier?
Private: SIR, McCartle, SIR!
Drill Sergeant: Well, no shit! You look like some joker to me, what's your name soldier?
Private: SIR, McCartle, SIR!
Drill Sergeant: Are you fucking shittin' me?! Probably some kinda joker! What's your name soldier?
Private: SIR, McCartle, SIR!
Drill Sergeant: Well, la-di-fucking-da! I guess we got some kinda joker here!

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