[after telling Peter and Lois he failed his science test]
Chris: I'm sorry, mom, but science is so hard.
Lois: Well, maybe you just need a little extra help.
Chris: Dad, would you help me with my homework?
Peter: Uh, Chris, I got to tell you, that sounds worse than a trip to a failing mall.
[cutaway to the Griffin family in a failing mall with most of the stores closed down]
Peter: All right, kids, your mom is going to go to the Cinnabon that has the cage pulled halfway down, and I'm going to go to the stereo store next to the dead fountain with garbage in it. Let's say we meet back here under the glue outline of the old Limited sign.
[after telling Peter and Lois he can't study because of the evil monkey]
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Chris, you're in high school now. Stop talking about that evil monkey. He's not real.
Chris: He is too real! I can prove it!
Peter: Well, you'll have to do a better job than you did on your science test. Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long.
[cutaway to God in heaven watching TV while ironing Ellen Barkin's face as she is laid down on an ironing board]
God: [realizing he left the iron on her face too long] Oh, damn.
Ellen Barkin: [sitting up on the ironing board] How is it?
God: You know what? We'll put you in the 80's. You'll pass for hot. Now get in the van with Kelly McGillis.
[Ellen gets in the van and sits next to Kelly McGillis whose face looks like a mule]
Kelly McGillis: Next stop: Hollywood!
[Stewie watching TV on the couch]
TV Announcer: Up next, the Hannah Montana marathon.
TV Announcer: And for all you fans, the Miley Cyrus tour is coming to the Quahog Civic Center for three nights only. Call to get your tickets now!
Stewie: [excited] Oh! [shaking his hands and feet up and down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
TV Announcer:: But not now, 'cause it just sold out.
Stewie: [getting off the couch] What? Oh, no! No! No, no! No! I'm calling anyway! [picks up a phone] I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now! Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not? [looking at the phone] I guess I should dial something first.
["Hannah Montana" on TV]
Robby Ray: Sorry, but you know the rules. Hannah can't do the photo shoot until Miley finishes her homework.
Miley: You can't tell Hannah what to do. She's not your daughter.
Robby Ray: Wait, so Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't?
Robby Ray: Great. [pointing at Miley] Put your wig on. [audience laughs]
Robby Ray: [looks at the camera] Shut up! This is real.
[After catching Stewie watching "Hannah Montana"]
Brian: Ha! You're watching Hannah Montana?
Stewie: Well, yeah. To make fun of it. I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup and, and-and, and, and that fabulous hair, and, [excited] oh, my God! Brian, it's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever!
Stewie: And she's coming to town and I have to get tickets, Brian. You have to help me get tickets!
Brian: No. It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time.
Stewie: [voice breaking, starts crying] But...she's my favorite,
Brian: Oh, my god, are you...are you crying?
Stewie: [crying] Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero! I love her so, so much. Ahd this is the only time she's gonna be in town and now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me?
Brian: [signs] All right, fine.
[Meg walks into Chris's room where Chris is taking out a tape from a video camera]
Meg: Hey, Chris. You want to practice kissing again?
Chris: I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real and I want to see what I got.
[after Chris captures the Evil Monkey]
Chris: I got you, you bastard!
[Chris drags the Evil Monkey down the stairs to Peter, Lois, and Meg in the living room]
Chris: Well, here he is. [brings the Evil Monkey in front of them] The Evil Monkey! Do you believe me now?!
Peter: [surprised] Holy crap!
Lois: It is real!
Meg: Oh, my God! [the camera zooms out revealing Meg is holding a bigger and fiercer monkey on a chain] I thought I was the only one.
Peter: Meg, we're do...we're doin'...We're doin' Chris's monkey.
Evil Monkey: Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding.
Peter: Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself.
[Chris hides behind a couch while Peter unties the Evil Monkey]
Evil Monkey: [sighs] Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
Lois: Oh, that's terrible.
Evil Monkey: I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So, I moved into Chris's closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for nine years.
Peter: Oh, my God, you've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.
[cut to mentally challenged suicide bomber shouting "Allahu akbar" while running a bicycle and crashing into a building and falling off his bike]
Meg: You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?
Lois: No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.
Chris: [stand up behind the couch] Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face!
Evil Monkey: That's just the face I make when I'm thinking.
Chris: And you're always pointing at me!
Evil Monkey: I was trying to start a conversation.
Chris: And you do that weird trembling thing!
Evil Monkey: I have a copper deficiency. Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before, but this is a great chance for us to start over.
Chris: [angrily] No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! [pointing] You go to hell!
[after sneaking in to see Miley Cyrus]
Stewie: Okay, now remember to play it cool. Act like you belong here. [seeing Miley, excitedly] Oh, my God, Miley! [hugging Miley] I love you! I love you! [grabs on to Miley's legs] I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair?! [Brian pulls Stewie off on Miley as Stewie screams in excitement]
Miley Cyrus: Who are you guy? How did you get back here?
Brian: Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie. H-He's just a baby and he's your biggest fan and...he has cancer.
Miley: Oh, my God! Really?
Brian: Yeah, he's got a tumor in his head the size of a football.
Miley: I think I can see it. Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out. Especially if you're my [rubbing Stewie's head] biggest fan.
[In the living room with Peter, Lois, Meg, and the Evil Monkey]
Evil Monkey: I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet.
Peter: Oh, that's so good to hear. I want to like her. She's so funny. I want her to also be nice.
Chris: [walking in the room, angrily] Well, I'm glad you guys are having such a great time with [pointing to the Evil Monkey] that evil thing that tortured me for years! [to Peter] Dad, I thought you were going to help me with my book report.
Peter: Chris, there is a monkey here. And I just fed him a whole bag of Subway sandwiches. In a couple hours, we are going to sit around and throw his soft bread stool at each other. Now, you are welcome to be a part of that. Or not. I'm just telling you what's gonna happen.
Chris: [angrily] Well, thanks for nothing, Dad! [Chris runs up stairs]
Peter: Don't mind him, Monkey. He's just a big disappointment. Like things that look like DVDs from far away.
[cut to Peter in a bookstore]
Peter:[seeing DVDs, gasps] DVDs! [runs to them then stops realizing they're not DVDs] Aw, books.
Chris: The Catcher in the Rye was a good book. It was about a catcher in the rye.
[In the living room, Peter is scratching the Evil Monkey's back with his toenails and Lois is sitting next to Peter]
Evil Monkey: Ah...that feels so good. [to Peter] You are an artist
Peter: Thank you. Lois doesn't like my toenail 'cause they stab her in the night. Hear that, Lois. Somebody likes my toenails.
Lois: Good for you, Peter.
Peter: Good for this family. Good for all of us.
Chris: [entering the house holding his book report] Mom! Dad! I got an "A" on my book report!
Lois: That's wonderful, honey!
Evil Monkey: Congratulations, Chris. What'd you write about?
Chris: [looking at his book report] I, um..."The Slave Trade Allegory of Curious George." W...Wait a minute, I didn't--I didn't write this.
Evil Monkey: Oh, really?
Chris: Did...Did you write this?
Evil Monkey: Well, I can't take all the credit. I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years, so I just put your thoughts on paper, that's all.
Chris: Wow, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thanks, evil monk...thanks, monkey.
Evil Monkey: Ah, I'd get up to hug you, but sittin' down's the only thing keepin' the poop in.
Chris: Nah, that's okay.
[Stewie with Miley Cyrus, who is writing some stuff in a notebook]
Stewie: I can't believe I'm sitting here with you, Miley Cyrus. It's like I'm in a dream.
Miley: Well, that makes me happy, Stewie.
Stewie: What are you doing?
Miley: Oh, I'm just writing some new lyrics.
Stewie: Oh, you write your own lyrics?
Stewie: [slowly pulling out his own song] So do I...
Miley: [Stewie hands his song to Miley] Oh, you wrote a song? Look at you. You're a regular little Tim McGraw.
Stewie: [chuckling] Oh, oh, I'm...I'm-I'm a little better than Tim McGraw.
Miley: [looking at Stewie's song] Hey, these are pretty good, Stewie.
Stewie: Really? Do you think you could sing them?
Miley: Only if you sing with me.
Stewie: [squealing and shaking his hand and foot up and down] Ooh! Ooh!
[Chris and the Evil Monkey enter the house]
Peter: [sitting on the couch] Hey, where you guys been?
Chris: We went to the father/son barbecue.
Peter: You drove all the way up to Fatherson for a barbecue?
Chris: No, Dad, it was a barbecue for fathers and sons.
Peter: Wait a minute--you went with the monkey to a father/son thing?
Chris: Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere.
Peter: [standing up from the couch] What?
Evil Monkey: Oh, listen, Peter, I didn't...
Peter: [to the Evil Monkey] Meg, please!
Chris: It's true. You never want to do anything with me! But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like, and he's been helping me with all my homework! He helped me get an "A" in algebra!
Peter: How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra?
Chris: Because he asked!
[Peter's jaw drops]
Chris: That's right, Dad. You never ask, and even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? [shouting] Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world and I hate you!
Peter: Well...Well, I hate you, too!
[Chris runs away]
Evil Monkey: [checking his pockets] Ah, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey/kid barbecue.
Peter: I thought you said it was a father/son barbecue.
Evil Monkey: Yeah, but it was up in Monkeykid.
Peter: [stammering] What?!
Meg: This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt. But then it felt great!
[Peter, Lois, Chris, and Meg are having breakfast, Peter and Chris continue to glare at each other]
Lois: Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning.
Peter: Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup?
Chris: Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup?
Peter: Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?
Lois: I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act.
Peter: Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am.
Chris: He makes time for me and you never do. You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me.
Meg: This morning I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great.
Peter: Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.
[At the high school, Peter disguise himself as Chris]
Peter: [seeing a group of jocks, laughing] This'll get Chris.
[Peter walks up to the group of jocks]
Peter: Hey, classmates.
Jock #1: Griffin. Did you gain weight?
Peter: Eh, that's not important. But you know what is important? I'm gay now. Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together. And then you go tell all your friends that I welcome them to be gay with me, too. Because I am gay.
Jock #2: I'll be gay with you.
Peter: Oh, this is too perfect.
[Peter and Jock #2 put their arms around each other as they walk away together]
Peter: Chris is going to be so gay by the end of this.
[At home, Peter sees a sign in the living room]
Peter: What's this? [reading the sign] "Put your head between these two restrained logs and win a free hat".
[the camera zooms out revealing two restrained logs hanging from the ceiling]
Peter: Well, that's a no-brainer.
[the camera moves to Chris's who is ready to cut the ropes that's restraining the logs]
Chris: Come on, you fat fuck. Do it.
[Peter walks to the logs and places his head between them. Chris cuts the rope which releases the logs which crushes Peter's head]
[moments later Peter is sitting in the kitchen with his new hat despite his head being crushed and bloody]
Peter: Who's laughing now? I got my hat.
[After discovering Miley Cyrus is an android]
Stewie: Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android!
Brian: Of course. She's a product of Disney Imagineering. They built a perfect robot teen idol.
Stewie: Yes, assuring that she could never fail. Like famous duelist Sir Henry "Giant-Hole-In-The-Torso" Wickenshire.
[cut to Sir Henry "Giant-Hole-In-The-Torso" Wickenshire in the middle of a duel, a shot was fired from his opponent but it went through his giant hole in his torso]
Sir Henry "Giant-Hole-In-The-Torso" Wickenshire: Aha! Right through me! Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront.
[the camera moves to Sir Joseph Broadfront who is preparing to dodge Wickenshire's shot despite having a giant rectangular torso]
Sir Henry "Giant-Hole-In-The-Torso" Wickenshire: I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a "common dandy".
Sir Joseph Broadfront: Never!
Stewie: My God, I can't believe she's an android. Do you think we should tell someone or do something?
Brian: Well, we could do something.
Stewie: Like what?
Brian: Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl.
Brian: Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her?
Stewie: Brian, that's sick! She's 16!
Brian: I'm eight.
Stewie: All right, I'll see what I can do.
[At the Griffin's house in the living room]
Lois: Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore
Evil Monkey: Of course, Lois; I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince then to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do.
Lois: Oh, thank you. I really appreciate it.
[In the city, Chris and the Evil Monkey are sitting at a table outside, then Peter arrives]
Peter: What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois.
Evil Monkey: She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving.
Peter: Look, monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that.
Evil Monkey: Peter, you're acting bananas.
Peter: [laughs] All right, I'll listen.
Evil Monkey: You're both good guys and that's why it's important for you to reconcile your differences. [to Chris] Chris, I know you're angry, but do you really hate your father?
Chris: No, I just think he's a douche.
Evil Monkey: Sometimes he is. [to Peter] And Peter, do you really hate your son?
Peter: No, but sometimes he's such a little fat jerk.
Chris: Well, it's only because you never have any time for me!
Evil Monkey: Peter, do you think you could make a little more time for your son?
Peter: Yeah, I guess so.
Chris: [gasp] It's Miley Cyrus! And she's destroying the city!
Evil Monkey: Oh, my God!
[Evil Monkey approaches Miley who is picking up a truck]
Evil Monkey: Ms. Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this, I mean everything...the show, the music...it's all just awful.
[Miley roars and throw the truck away and grabs the Evil Monkey and starts climbing a building]
Chris: Dad, we've got to help him! Do something!
Peter: What am I supposed to do?!
Chris: Your my dad! Think of something!
[Peter thinks for a moment, he grabs his cell phone and calls someone]
Peter: Quagmire, fire up the biplane. My son needs my help.
[after Miley has fallen off the building]
Brian: Well, the airplane got her.
Stewie: Oh, no, it wasn't the airplane. 'Twas beauty killed the beast. You know Brian, here's your shot. Go for it.
[Miley's body explodes]
Stewie: Oop, too late.
[Miley's left hand landed in front of them]
Brian: No, it's not.
[later that night at home]
Peter: Thanks for everything, monkey. You made me realize how much Chris really means to me and how I should always remember not [puts his arm around Chris] to take him for granted.
Evil Monkey: Well, sometimes all anybody needs is a little bit of a wake-up call. And now that you two are getting along again, my work here is done. Guess I'll be moving on now.
Chris: You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again.
Evil Monkey: I thik that time of my life is over, Chris. But I'll always remember you.
[Chris and the Evil Monkey hug]
Chris: But...where will you go?
Evil Monkey: I'll go where I'm needed.
[moments later, at Tom Tucker's house, Jake Tucker is sleeping and the Evil Monkey opens his closet does his thing to Jake]
Jake: Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!
Tom: [off-screen] I don't care, son. I just do not care.