Cleveland: Wassup?! ["The Cleveland Show" theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]
Peter: Oh hey, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Alright, I knew this was comin', everbody gimme your best shot.
Quagmire: Oh, my G...Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
Cleveland: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Quagmire: That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland: This is good. This is constructive.
Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after Season 2.
Cleveland: It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.
Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Cleveland: Anything else?
Peter: Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland: I...I don't have a DVD player.

Rallo: What 'sup man?
Stewie: Yeah, yeah, 'sup. Keep walking ya Boondocks ripoff.

Stewie: Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now!

[Cleveland and Peter bump into each other at the Drunken Clam and Joe is unaware of why one has to leave]
Joe: What's going on? You guys touch pee-pees or something?

Peter: You know, not a single person stopped watching because you left.
[Cleveland sits expressionless]
Quagmire: He doesn't have the guts to say anything back.

Lois: [outside the bathroom] Peter, what are you doing in there?
Peter: [as "Slow Ride" by Foghat begins playing] Nothing. [repeatedly flushes the toilet as the song plays]
Lois: Peter, you're wasting tons of water!
Peter: It's not a waste, and we need a faster toilet!

Narrator: We now return to The Gay Bachelor.
Gay Bachelor: Oh, they're all gross! I'm keeping the roses.

Donna: Your time outs are a joke! You're a terrible parent!
Lois: I'm a terrible parent? You're a child abuser. You know what? From now on, I don't want our families having anything to do with each other.
Peter: Well, Cleveland, looks like these 2 little alley cats have scrapped it out. I'll see ya tomorrow.
Lois: That includes you, Peter! I don't want you ever talking to Cleveland again!
Donna: And, Cleveland, I forbid you from ever talking to Peter again!

Donna: Cleveland, get in here, and pull your pants down! [slaps Cleveland repeatedly]
Cleveland: Aah! Aah! Ugh! Aah! At least turn me over to my backside!

Chris: Mom's making me sleep in the basement.
Peter: Sleeping lower in the house is a big punishment for her.

Joe: Quagmire, please stop touching my baby with a condom.

Quagmire: For my next trick, I'm gonna split my beautiful assistant in half, and not the way you think. [holding a condom] Won't be needing this.

Chris: Mrs. Brown, I want you to spank me again.

Brian: I am colorblind [Points to eyes] here, [Points to heart] and here.

Lois: Stewie, you get down from there this instant!
Stewie: Munch me, bitch!
Lois: Right now, Stewie, or you're in timeout!
Stewie: How many gray pubes you plucked today, you old bag?

[After Peter and Cleveland get into an accident]
Donna: Oh, Cleveland, I'm gonna hate those Griffins forever!
Peter: Only my side had airbags.

Lois: I don't wanna be here with that Brown family.
Stewie: That sounds even more racist than it is.

Peter: Cleveland and I have won every three-legged race in Quahog except that time those two one-legged guys formed the perfect running person.

Quagmire: [Stuck with Joe in the three-legged race] I waited too long to pick a partner.

Cleveland: How much do you weigh?
Peter: I don't know; my car can't go up hills, though.

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