Peter: Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.

Peter: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes now!
Lois: [sees the tank] Bocce balls!

Joe: Oh wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!

Joe: [while playing ping-pong] OH YES!!! I slam it, you can suck it!

Peter: Who's sober enough to drive? [no one answers] Ok, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk, you know the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyways because, I mean come on, you got to get your car home, right? I mean what do they expect me do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: [throws the keys to Cleveland] Shotgun!

Stewie: Ha! You're Earth's bitch!

[During a Pepperidge Farm commercial]
Man: Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers, but Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies, maybe this whole thing disappears.

[Peter blasts Cleveland's house with his new tank, Cleveland is seen taking a bath, the floor it's on tips over]
Cleveland: What the hell?!?! No no no no no NO!!! [crash!] Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? [Peter does so] Thank you.

Lois: So how was work today, Meg?
Peter: phbbt!
Lois: Peter, you lost your job because of the superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter: phbbt!
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says 'Meg.'
Peter: phbbt!
Brian: So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
Peter: phbbt!
Chris: [laughs] Meg!
Peter: phbbt!
Chris: Meg!
Peter: phbbt!
Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Peter: phbbt! phbbt! phbbt! phbbt! phbbt! phbbt! phbbt!
Chris: [whispers] Meg!
Peter: [quietly] phbbt!
Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family that has a job!
Peter: [whispers something in Brian's ear]
Brian: [chuckles] Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
Meg: What did he just say to you?!
Brian: Nothing. It's like.. there was.. forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
Peter: phbbt!

Peter: Meg, people have always found ways to get around without a car. Look at Iceman.
[Scene shows Iceman coming home]
Iceman's wife: Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night?
Iceman: Uh, just over to Tom's house. Played some poker, had some brewskies, you know.
Iceman's wife: Really? Then would you mind explaining that?
[a trail of ice leads to a gay club]
Iceman: At least they know how to touch a man. [his wife leaves] Aw, walk away.

Cleveland: Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

Meg: Dad, where have you been? I've been waiting for over an hour.
Peter: Grab some wood there, bub. Daddy and his friends have been drinking, and we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official.
Cleveland: Oh, that's crazy tal... [his eyes widen] Oh, my God. Minister Washington, how could you?!

Lois: You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car isn't such a bad idea.
Peter: Yeah, I guess so.
Stewie: What?! I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freakin' car just like that?! I hate this place.

[Scene shows a man and his wife arguing]
Woman: When are you gonna get rid of that stump?! I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump!
Man: I'll do it, all right?! Just get off my back! [the woman is blown up by Peter’s tank; the man goes outside to the tree stump] She's gone. We can finally be together.
Stump: But, Tim, I'm rooted to the ground.
Man: We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

Peter: Geez, Meg, you ruined my good time! Just like basic cable.
[scene shows Peter watching television]
TV Announcer: We now return to Showgirls.
Peter: Yay!
TV Announcer: On TBS
Peter: Aww..

Peter: Aw, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.
[Scene cuts to Peter running to a gang of Tom Brokaws in an alley]
Tom Brokaw: Looks like someone's a little lost.

[When Peter goes to Superstore USA to protest]
Meg: Dad, what the hell are you doing?
Peter: We got a message for you: We're here, we're queer, get used to it.
Brian: Uh, actually, Peter...
Peter: Gattaca, Gattaca!

Peter: Meg, Meg, look, Meg look. I am so freaking good at coloring. I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself.

Lois: Brian, save your hippie B. S. for the winter months.

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