Peter: Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.
Peter: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes now!
Lois: [sees the tank] Bocce balls!
Joe: Oh wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!
Joe: [while playing ping-pong] OH YES!!! I slam it, you can suck it!
Peter: Who's sober enough to drive? [no one answers] Ok, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk, you know the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyways because, I mean come on, you got to get your car home, right? I mean what do they expect me do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: [throws the keys to Cleveland] Shotgun!
Stewie: Ha! You're Earth's bitch!
[During a Pepperidge Farm commercial]
Man: Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers, but Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies, maybe this whole thing disappears.
[Peter blasts Cleveland's house with his new tank, Cleveland is seen taking a bath, the floor it's on tips over]
Cleveland: What the hell?!?! No no no no no NO!!! [crash!] Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? [Peter does so] Thank you.
Lois: So how was work today, Meg?
Lois: Peter, you lost your job because of the superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg.
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says 'Meg.'
Brian: So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?