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Gatsby: I come down here to think every night and gaze at that green light. It's where the love of my life lives. Daisy Buchanan.
Nick: Um, I hate to break it to you, but that green light you've been looking at is a gay gym called the Pump House. [nervously] I ... I only know that because I ... I saw a coupon that came with my rental.

Gatsby: You know, sometimes I just wanna jump off this balcony and into that pool down there.
Daisy: So do it.
Gatsby: Yeah, I know right? [chuckles] Do it!
Daisy: Yeah, do it.
Gatsby: I know, I totally should, right? Here I go. One ... two .. three ... Whoa! [laughs] Can you imagine?
Daisy: Yeah, I can imagine. It would be fun. You should do it.
Gatsby: If only it here that easy, right?
Daisy: It is. It ... it looks deep enough. It's your pool. It's your house. You can do whatever you want.
Gatsby: I know right? Uh, you know, I can't right now. My pool guy's cleaning it.
[RJ is shown to be the pool guy]
RJ: Are you going to bone her?

Daisy: Nick, have you met Jordan? She plays golf and is what kids will someday call a duff.
Nick: Hey, yeah. Nice Tam o'shanter.
Jordan: I'll drink your finger bowl if you don't want it.
Nick's Narration: In the book, I actually go on a few dates with Jordan. We're gonna skip all that.

Tom: I'd like to add another bit of pointless confusion that will make sense later. Let's everyone drive someone else's car.
Gatsby: Someone can take my coop.
Nick: I'm riding with Gatsby, I don't care which car.
Jordan: I'll take someone in Daisy's car.
Tom: I don't think Daisy said you could drive her car.
Daisy: Tom, why don't you take Jay's car?
Tom: Who's Jay?
Daisy: Gatsby.
Tom: Okay, I have never heard anyone call him that.
Nick: Look, if you're in your own car, you're in the wrong car.

Nick: So, you've seen any good movies lately?
George: We just saw Woman Tied to Railroad Tracks 5. Pretty similar to 4.

Tom: Hello, room service? I'd like a bottle of your second most expensive champagne.
Gatsby: And I'd like your most expensive bottle.
Tom: Wow, walked right into that one.

Tom: I hear Gatsby didn't even fight in World War I.
Nick: Wait, why is he calling it that? [worried] Is there gonna be another big war?

Tom: Hi, Huckleberry Finn.
Huck: Hi, Tom Sawyer. You're Tom. I'm Huck. [to the camera] Everybody good?

Pap: Hey, I'm your abusive dad and I've been drinking all day from this here jug.
Huck: [Notices the jug has XXX on it] Oh my God! Is that a jug full of porn? Hey, Widow Douglas, I wanna live with my dad!

Huck: I wish you wouldn't drink so much.
Pap: Stop counting my drinks! Now, get over here so I can hwip you!
[Pap starts whipping Huck]
Huck: Ow! Pap! No!
Pap: Yeah, that's right bitch and now it's your turn.

Huck: I know. I'll fake my own death. I just need enough blood to make it look real.
Pig: Hey there. You must be Huck. Great to finally meet you. I hope you like it here.
Huck: I'm gonna stab you for your blood.
Pig: Oh, come on. I just got shot in the pool in the last one.
[Huck stabs and kills the pig]
Huck: I can't remember why I needed the blood.

Huck: My name's Huck Finn. What's half of your name?
Jim: Jim.

Huck: Hey, what's that sound?
Jim: Oh no. It sounds like a waterfall!
Huck: Hold on!
[Huck and Jim fall over the waterfall and die]
Jim: We died.
[Huck and Jim were seen alive in the next scene]
Jim: So, wait. We didn't die?
Huck: I don't know. It's all just jokes.

Huck: Oh, did you see that?
Jim: What?
Huck: I just skipped that rock six times! That's a once in a lifetime skip!
Jim: That's nice.
Huck: You don't believe me, do you?
Jim: I believe we've been out here a long time and a man's mind begins to play tricks on him
Huck: It happened for real! I can't believe you didn't see it!
Jim: [thought] Of course I saw it. Most amazing damn thing I ever did witness, but I wasn't gonna tell Huck, cuz he claimed he didn't see me hook shot that apple core into the garbage from way far away.

Huck: Hey, what if it's spelled with an "A" at the end of it. Is that okay?

Huck: Tom Sawyer! What are you doing so far from home?
Tom: Rush is playing here tonight. They wrote a song about me.

Slim: Hey there strangers. Welcome to Phelps Ranch. People call me Slim.
George: Ironically, I assume.

Slim: Alright, you guys are doing great. Hey, listen, my dog just had puppies and I thought since you're covered with feces and I barely know you, I'll give you a delicate, snow white, newborn puppy.
Puppy: Okay, just don't give me to dead eyes over there because I've already been killed twice in the other two stories and I don't wanna ...
Lenny: Puppy!
[Lenny squeezes the puppy and it dies]
Puppy: Aaaah, fuck!
Lenny: This puppy doesn't work.

George: So, I should be home by 10:00. It's just this piano bar/cabaret place called Tinkles. Rory told be about it.
Lenny: Who's Rory?
George: You remember him. The field hand who gave me a shoulder ride back to the house. That was Rory. Anyway, it sounds like it's just a hoot.
Lenny: Wow, maybe you'll meet a pretty lady to get married to there.
George: [nervously] Yeah, well, that's the idea.
Lenny: While you're gone, can I touch myself?
George: Uh, again. You don't have to schedule that with me.

Curly's Wife: Well, hello there. If it isn't the sexy imbecile.
Lenny: Oh, hi. Sorry about what I did to your husband earlier.
Curly's Wife: Yes, that was quite a hand job you did on him. You know, I'm not so bad at those, myself.
Lenny: I'm not gonna lie to you. You're wasting your double entendres on me.

George: Bye bye Lenny. [shoots Lenny] Good night, kids. Good luck with those book reports.

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