Peter: Look at that Lois, dad reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.

Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5:00am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00am! [To Lois] What else haven't you told me?!

Lois: Peter, calm down, its his first night of retirement. He is probably out enjoying himself
Brian: [Holding the phone] He's in jail.

Peter: Hey, listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring.
Meg: Grandpa Griffin?
Chris: Is he that guy who smells like firewood and has those big gray pussywillows in his ears?
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

Peter: That was some speech, Dad.
Lois: Yes. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it.
Francis: Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.
[Scene cuts to Thelma in Las Vegas]
Thelma: Hit me, you five-card stud. [hacking cough] Cocktail!

Peter: Dad, now that you're retired, you're coming to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down. [The brakes screech and Brian falls out of his seat] Geez, Brian, buckle up.

Francis: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter: Hey, there you go, Lois. You love kids.

Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that.

Peter: We all enjoy the Bible in this house.
Francis: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter: Uh, that one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Peter: Dad, you're retired.
Francis: I'd rather be dead.
Vern: Dead? I'll tell you what's dead, vaudeville! Ya know what killed it? The talking pictures! But you can still make it, kid, ya just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Now watch my roundoff. [falls on his back] Hey, kid, do me a favor, take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

[After Francis leaves Peter at the baseball game]
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

[When Peter gets Francis from jail]
Peter: Dad, my God, are you okay?
Francis: Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!
Peter: He's okay! Thank God!

Peter: I don't get it, Lois. Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.

Stewie: [after reading the Bible] My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in Winnie-the-Pooh.
Chris: Please don't say "pooh."

Francis: Something's wrong with your shower. The water's not cold enough. I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerfluffin.
Lois: I think it's time someone sits his "kerfluffin" down and has a talk with his unemployed son.

The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter: Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard.
The Pope: That's just a barn.
Peter: Ooh, someone went to Yale.

The Pope: As you said, Peter, "I am the freakin' Pope."