Peter: Hey, hey, Lois, what do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast?
Lois: I swear to God, Peter.
Peter: You call her Lois.

Peter: Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.

Peter: Ok, here's the plan. I'll be Charlie and you can all be be my angels! [looks at an overweight woman] Except you. You'll be Bosley.

Peter: At least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street who's getting a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!
Peter: Aw man, even Della Reese is getting a boat.

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

TV Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Peter: Women are not people. They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Peter: Okay, okay, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other!

Peter: This comic sucks! He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it

Peter: A boat's a boat, but a mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat.
Lois: Then let's get the boa...
Peter: We'll take the mystery box.

Gloria Ironbachs: Mr. Griffin, why don't you come up here and give it a try?
Peter: Alright.
Gloria Ironbachs: The filing is done, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Thank you Ms. Ironbachs. You are a valued member of our business team and I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on.
Gloria Ironbachs: [gasps] Mr. Griffin!
Peter: I'm sorry, that came out wrong. L...lemme try again. [pauses] Nice ass.

Stewie: Oh, Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois: Meg, Could you please change Stewie for me?
Meg: Fine. But if a boy calls, please don't tell them I'm wrist deep in poopy.

Peter: What day is it?
Lois: Thursday.
Peter: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I’m late!
Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter: No Lois, I’m late, late. Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois: Are you insane? You can’t have a baby.
Peter: Well, I don’t have a lot of options. I’m Catholic. God, I thought you’d be happy!

Joe: Hey neighbors, where's your boat?
Lois: We didn't take the boat, we took the mystery box. Hop in!

Quagmire: I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.

Peter: Free Tibet? I'll take it! [runs to a phone booth] Hello, China? I think I have something you may want, but it's gonna cost you. That's right, all the tea.

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calendar. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

Stewie: [to Lois] I say, if you cooked any slower... well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, would you?...Well, that wasn't very good.

Gloria Ironbachs: No wonder your husband didn't respect women.
Lois: Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbachs: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be!
Lois: You bitch!

[After Peter doesn't get the boat]
Brian: What are you so upset about? I never even knew you liked boats.
Peter: Hey, hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi.
[Scene cuts to Huck Griffin and Jim]
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word! You've got no right using it!
Huck Griffin: Hey, I'm cool, I'm cool. No problem. Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim?
Jim: Thank you.

Lois: Peter, I think this'll be good for you. You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and...[Peter looks down Lois's chest] Look at me! Look at me!

[When Peter comes home from the women's retreat]
Lois: Welcome back, Peter.
Peter: Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
Brian: Peter, you're...
Peter: Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. But first, I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
Chris: Oh, my God. Dad's a chick.

[Peter and Lois are in bed together]
Lois: I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this.
Peter: I can't remember the last time I loved you so much!
Lois: How did you get so sweet?
Peter: When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.
Brian: Oh, for God's sake!
[Brian goes into Stewie's room and moves Stewie's crib out of the room]
Stewie: [talking in his sleep] Oh, yes, I'll have the coffee cake.

[At the Million Man March]
Jesse Jackson: My brothers, we need to stand together...
Peter: Excuse me! I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It's your fault we have so much crime in this country! And it's your fault we have so much violence in this country! You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!

Peter: Look, I don't care how many letters we gotta write. The View should be on for three hours. I mean, you just get going, and boom, it's news at noon.

[Peter and Lois are in bed together]
Lois: That was wonderful.
Peter: Who said that? Oh, hi, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich?
Lois: Glad to have you back, Peter.
Peter: Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you."

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