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I Take Thee Quagmire/Quotes

< I Take Thee Quagmire

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[Playing Wheel of Fortune]
Pat Sajak: All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations.
Peter: Thanks, Regis.
Pat Sajak: Okay. The category is actor and show. So, we need 5 consonants and a vowel.
Peter: Uh, okay, ummm... Z... 4... Q... another Q... uhhh... a third Q... and a Batman symbol.
Pat Sajak: Okay, no help there. Um, 15 seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out.
Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster?
[gets it right]
Pat Sajak: I... don't... believe it.
Peter: Oh my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!
Pat Sajak: You have $1,300. Why don't you go and pick out some prizes from our showcase?
Peter: OK, let's see. Uh... Oh, boy. Everything looks nice. Um, all right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for 600 and uh... Boy, that TV looks nice. Give me the one free week of maid service and I'll take the hat rack. Uh, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Pat Sajak: That's you.
Peter: Oh! Oh! Embarrassing. OK. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV.
Brian: I can't believe you actually won. But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show, like when Adam West was on Jeopardy!
Alex Trebek: Alright, players, the answer once again is 'It was the first space craft to land on the surface of Mars'. Adam, what was your your response? Kebert Xela...Argh!!!
Adam West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Stewie: All right, whip 'em out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal.
Lois: My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.
Stewie: And by the way, let's be clear, I only like you as a friend.

Peter: Well, we are officially lost.
Ricky: On the Great Space Coast...
Peter: Shut up, Ricky, just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions on how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!

Lois: Ow! Damn, that hurts.
Brian: What happened?
Lois: I was breast-feedin' Stewie; and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.
Brian: I see. Um... Maybe I should, uh, you know, uh... look at it. I, uh, I... I have seen a lot of medical shows.
Lois: You see , the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on the duct.
Brian: [pause] I'm sorry, what?
Lois: I don't know what to do, Brian. Breast-feeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.
Alec Baldwin: There you go, there you go. Eat up, Stephen, you're the weakest.
Brian: Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.
Lois: I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what, I'll give it a try. Thanks, Brian.
Brian: No problem. Uh, any other problems you have too, like, for example, around your underpants, that you want me to look at, I could take a look at that too.
Lois: Huh?
Brian: Please pull down your underpants.

Stewie: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.
[Lois and Peter are seen on the sofa reading books]
Peter: Lois, what's this word?
Lois: "Evel..."
Peter: And this word?
Lois: "Knievel..."
Peter: And this word?
Lois: "was..."
Peter: And this word?
Lois: "born..."
Peter: And this word?
Lois: "in..."
Peter: And this word?
Lois: "Montana."
Peter: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?

[The Black Dolphins talking to each other]
WHAT'S GOIN ON MAN?
WHAT-THE, OH, WHAT'S GOIN ON YOURSELF MAN?
I ALMOST DROWNED YESTERDAY
AW MAN, IT'S WET OUT HERE
HEY JAY
AH HUN?
I'M GONNA SEE HOW LONG I CAN HOLD MA BREATH
I SEE YOU BREATHIN OUT YO HOLE
HEY MAN, YOU GOTS SOME SEA WEED ON YO TAIL
WHAT? AWWWWW
OH YOU KNOW I'M JUST PLAYING WITH YOU
HA HA AW-AW MAN YOU ALL, AWWWWW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKIN ABOUT SOME OTHER SEA WEED HA HA
YOU KNOW I GOT JOKES, HA HA!
IM'A SLAP YOU WITH MY FIN

Lois: Glenn, your place looks wonderful! I feel like I can touch things in here now!

Joan: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love you, Glenn!
Quagmire: I love you too, insane woman whom I'm having second thoughts about.
Joan: What?!
Quagmire: All right!

Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket, or an erection in your pocket?

Joan: Is this a joke?
Peter: I wish it were, Joan, I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know? You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninja's and nazi's and pot's and pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up ta eat the remains. You've seen the news.

Death: I'm going to a Celine Dion Concert. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.

Quagmire: Giggity-giggity-giggity... God, I made a terrible mistake!

Stewie: You call those cheap implants "boobs"? They're lies!

Meg: This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? [gets splattered by a watermelon] AAAAUGH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

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