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If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'/Quotes

< If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

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Lois: Honey, hold still and let me bath you, you're filthy.
Stewie: I'm filthy? I'M FILTHY? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that?

Lois: [looks out through the window] Oh my God.
Peter: Yes?
Lois: Peter, that's not funny.Those fanatics are building a golden idol of you on the lawn.

Peter: I look like a freakin' Emmy! [to the camera] Hint, Hint.

Peter: I'll handle it Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: When did God ever say he didn't want someone else being worshiped like him?
Lois: It's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter: Oh, come on Lois, those were written like 200 years ago. Times have changed.

Peter: Lois, anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dyin' to get the Gumbels back on TV is a racist. There. I said it.

Chris: Are you sure this'll work?
Peter: Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes.
Chris: But this whole thing was your idea.
Peter: You'll find out.
Chris: Dad, you're not making any sense.
Peter: You just leave that to me.

Peter: Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class. It's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.

Peter: I want to have the kind of father and son relationship that the Gumbels have.
Lois: Peter, the Gumbels are brothers.
Peter: Oh nice, Lois, just because they're Black we can't learn anything from 'em?

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son.
Peter: Oh no, Stewie!
Brian: The firstborn son.
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife.
Peter: Chris!

[While Lois is giving Stewie a bath]
Peter: Hey Stewie. I see your bum.
Stewie: Well, take a good look, Fat Man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I have something to bring with me to court, you wretched pervert.

[When Stewie's bathwater turns to blood]
Stewie: How positively delightful, it is as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

Peter: We gotta save Gumbel 2 Gumbel, and we're gonna do it Griffin 2 Griffin.

Peter: [writes to FOX] If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be really upset. The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
Lois: Peter, come help me with the groceries.
[Peter unknowingly spills White-Out on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson." Scene cuts to Craig T. Nelson knocking on Peter's door]
Peter: Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: Yes.
Craig T. Nelson: [holds out a gun] Make it quick.

Peter: Thank God. I mean, thank me. [a frog jumps on Peter's head] Ahh!! Kidding, kidding!!

[When Lois shuts off "Gumbel 2 Gumbel"]
Peter: Lois, are you crazy?
Chris: Yeah, me and Dad haven't missed a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet.
Lois: Well, you're gonna miss this one, young man. His report card came today. No more TV until your grades improve. Now get upstairs and study.
Peter: [to Chris] Don't worry. I'll talk to her. After I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels. [reaches for a shot glass and then picks up the phone] Mrs. Daniels? Mrs. Daniels?!? Is Jack in? What? Oh, my God! When? Oh, I am so sorry. [hangs up the phone] Poor old Jack. He was a wise man, but he just loved playing with that wheat thresher. Always playing with that wheat thresher!

Lois: Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork. I saw that on a two-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday.
Peter: What the hell is Gatilsday?
Lois: Oh, NBC invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.

Tom Tucker: This is an Action News 5 News Break. I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.
Tom Tucker: And if you're settling in to watch Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00.

Peter: Chris, I just thought of a way to get the Gumbels back on the air.
Chris: All right, Dad!
Peter: All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it. [dials phone] Is this the Grant-a-Dream Foundation? My son Chris is dying!
Chris: Holy crap, no! Oh, my God!
Peter: That was the lie.
Chris: Oh, you sly boots.

[Stewie runs outside naked while Lois chases him]
Stewie: I'll show you filthy! [jumps in the mud] Yes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now, don't you?
Lois: Okay, if you want to be dirty, be dirty.
Stewie: Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! [is sprayed with the hose by Peter] Aah!
Peter: There you go, kiddo. All clean.
Stewie: Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! [looks at his crotch] Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

[At Chris' school]
Mr. McCloud: Take out your pencils and start your test.
Chris: Uh, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for the test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying.
Mr. McCloud: Griffin, that's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg's Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom! [Steinberg takes his yarmulke off]
Chris: But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying. I have a certificate to prove it.
Mr. McCloud: My God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis! And he still comes into school! You're excused from the test, you brave, brave boy. Steinberg, you can learn something from this fine young...damn it, Steinberg! Take that hat off!

[An episode of "Good Times" on TV]
JJ: Maxine is the lady who's feeling all right, thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!
[The audience laughs on TV]
James: Junior, where you been? Dinner was three hours ago!
Florida: Oh, forget him, James. He's an idiot!
JJ: Mama, what's wrong with you?
Florida: What's wrong with me? My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? [crying] Oh, Lord!
[There's a moment of silence]
JJ: Dynomite!

Lois: [to Peter] You pretended Chris was dying to save a TV show? You're a monster!
Brian: Thank you.

[An episode of "Gumbel 2 Gumbel." The Gumbel brothers are with a robber]
Bryant Gumbel: Purse snatching: society's fault, or one man's cry for help?
Robber: What are you talking about? I wanted her freakin' money.
Bryant Gumbel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Robber: What the hell's wrong with him?
Bryant Gumbel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lois: Peter, these people are worshiping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful?
Peter: Well, someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself.

Brian: [scratches himself] Ah! Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas.
Lois: That's never happened before.
Chris: [appears with a face full of pimples] Morning.
[Peter and Lois are shocked with Chris' appearance]
Peter: Geez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks.
Chris: What do you mean? Ah!
Lois: Don't you see what's happening?
Peter: Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset.
Brian: No, no, no, Peter. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. Three of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament.
Peter: Oh, come on, Brian, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the fourth grade. Ah, the kids were all calling him "Crisco" and "Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry". Remember, Chris?
Chris: Now I do.

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? [slaps Peter with each word] God. Is. Pissed!

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?

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