Peter: Sorry, I was in my trailer eating fancy nuts and smoking.
Lois: Well, it certainly isn't easy being in a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together. Especially last year when I discovered those naked pictures of that eighteen year old intern on Peter's phone, but he explained that his phone number was the old number of ... uh ... of her ex-boyfriend, so ... what was it again? ... So, the cloud. That's right. So, the photos were on the cloud and the ... the ... the cloud pulled the pictures uh ... I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him and ... that's why he has them and we both called the Apple store and they said that they can't disprove that it doesn't happen and so, here we are. Still married. Still on the show ... and ... and it's happened five times since then ... some of the pictures have both Peter and the girl in them.
Peter: Oh, yeah. It's great, you know, doing the show with your family, cuz what guy doesn't want to go to his office and have his family there? You know, and then you go home after work and catch up with the family, [progressively gets more depressed as he keeps talking] and then uh ... next day same thing. Just trying to make it through the weekend, so you can uh ... spend some time with the family ... Isn't that the dream?
James Woods: It's not just the Griffins who work hard to make Family Guy what it is. Here in the props department, some sweaty guy is working on the Petercopter.
Sweaty Guy: That's right. You know, a lot of people don't realize, SEAL Team Six actually completed their mission in this puppy.
Osama: Oh cool, Family Guy! Over here! I'm down here!
Quagmire: Look, don't get me wrong guys. I think it's hilarious ... and I totally get that the sex thing is what made me popular, but ... would it kill us to just once tell a joke that brings glory to God?
Peter: You know I'm only tough on you cuz I hate you, right?
Meg: Dad refuses to interact with any actors on set. He'll only rehearse with helium balloons with crudely drawn faces on them.
[Cutaway to Peter acting with balloons with drawing of Lois and Meg tied to walkie talkies]
Peter: I'm sorry Meg, but you're grounded.
Meg: [Over the walky talky] But dad, the prom is tonight, over.
Lois: [Over the walky talky] You hear your father, Meg, over.
[A wheelchair with a balloon and walky talky for Joe appears at the door]
Joe: Peter, you ready to hit the Drunken Clam, over?
Stewie: The fat man's behavior has been deteriorating overtime ... and I think someone may have placed an anonymous phone call to the network about it?
[Cutaway to Stewie making a high-pitched voice over the phone]
Stewie: You have no idea how bad it is here! He screams and yells and he makes a V with his fingers and then licks it, like "luh-luh-luh-luh-luh", which I am to understand is something dirty! Please do something! And, if possible, I'd love a "Master Chef" T-shirt.
Brian: Word around the stage is, they've decided to finally fire Peter and replace him with another actor.
Lois: And this time, it's permanent. Not like when we killed off Brian for a few episodes so he could shoot that crappy movie. What ... what was it?
Brian: It was a remake of Old Yeller where the dog gets the drop on him and kills him first.
[Cutaway to Brian's Old Yeller movie, where Travis is about to shoot Brian]
Travis: I'm sorry.
Brian: [Pulls a gun on Travis] No, I'm sorry. [Shoots Travis]
[Cut back to Brian]
Brian: They miscalculated the number of dogs who buy movie tickets.
Chris It's actually pretty awkward. I mean, dad's the only one in the whole production who doesn't know he's being fired.
Meg: But, he'll find out tomorrow at the table read.
[Adam West walks by, dressed as Batman, climbing on a rope]
Adam West: This is how we did that. Bet you didn't know.
Gary: Okay, everybody. Welcome to the table read for this week's episode, entitled "Peter dies. We're really serious. No joke. He's dead and never coming back."
Peter: Oh, and there's other pages. You gotta turn them. Here, let me show ya.
Gary: Interior: Griffin's living room, day. Brian, Meg, and Chris watch TV, Lois enters, upset.
Lois: You guys, I have terrible news. Your father is dead. He was shot in the head, while killing himself. I suppose he had his demons and his enemies.
Peter: Wait, I'm ... I'm what? Oh .. oh I know. Stewie's gonna fire up his time machine and undo this.
Gary: Stewie enters.
Stewie: Brian, bad news. My time machine got a virus that causes dad to die again if it's ever used.
Peter: Oh, well you know what? I bet this is all Chris' dream.
Chris: Wow! I am wide awake.
Peter: Okay, but ... there's no way this is real. They'd have to bring in someone to replace me.
Gary: Uncle Ricky, played by sitcom buzzard, David Spade enters.
David Spade: Hi, everybody.
Family: Uncle Ricky!
David Space: Hey guys, a time period called. They want an object back.
Chris: Aw, do we have to go to dad's funeral? Let's just play with Uncle Ricky instead.
Gary: The family cheers. They do not miss Peter.
Gary's Partner: I'm sorry Peter, but the production just can't deal with all your nonsense anymore. We're letting you go.
Peter: Oh, please. Don't do this! I'm begging you just give me one more chance!
Gary's Partner: [Sigh], Okay, fine.
Peter Fuck you!
Gary's Partner: Alright, that's it! You're fired!
James Woods: Welcome back to Inside Family Guy. I'm your host and angel investor to The Fappening, James Woods.
[A guy is seen setting up a cutaway gag, with a prop of Jupiter wearing a yarmulke]
Guy: This is the planet Jew-piter and he could say "Next year is my Star-mitzvah!"
Live Studio Ostrich: Ha ha!
Peter: Hey, did I get any mail?
Hotel Manager: Yes, your death threats to Grimace have been returned.
Peter: Well, has the Shamrock shake period been extended?
Lois: I have to admit it's a little strange taping a show without Peter. It just doesn't feel right.
Stewie: I'm especially going to miss the fat man's bit with the audience, where he fires the T-shirt cannon at his own head. You know he once tried to hold up a store with that thing?
[Cutaway to Peter robbing a store with a T-shirt cannon]
Peter: Alright, everybody on the floor! Empty the register!
Guy: Please, don't do this!
Peter: Oh, yeah? You wanna be a hero? Here's what happens to heroes!
[Fires a T-shirt at the guy.]
Peter: Anybody else wanna be a hero?
Other Guy: Ooh! Me! Me! Me! Over here! Over here!
Peter: The fact is, I got too big for my britches, but I know now that ... I'm nothing without all of you.