Meg: Oh Dad, I think this is Mr. Quagmire's driveway. Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees?
Lois: Well, there's a lot of trees around here. How do we know we're in the right spot?
Brian: [after seeing the driveway is shaped like a penis] Uh, I think it's a safe bet this is the place.

[at The Drunken Clam...]
Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. If I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.
Joe: Ha!

Bee: Oh, hey. Y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting ya with my stinger. Oh, no! But then I is gonna die if I sting you! You know what? I'm not gonna sting y'all after all, and that's my choice. Y'all ain't worth it. I'm just gonna head over to that flower and suck on that stamen like there's no tomorrow.

Peter: Hey, Lois, look at me! I got postpartum depression. [dunks Stewie] Wagghh! I'm sad about stuff! Wagghh!
Stewie: Ugh..! You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that!

Stewie: Hey, you've got a tattoo!
Brian: No, I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy?
Brian: No.
Stewie: You have a Ziggy tattoo?
Brian: Jesus..!
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo?
Brian: I just used to think... he was kind of funny. We should, uh-- We should get to the hospital.

Peter: [holding an opera mask] Play "Peter Griffin".
Stewie: Ah! Now that is a challenge. [plays "Heart and Soul" ploddingly. Lois, Chris, Meg and Brian laugh at the highest rate. Peter remained still. Stewie ends with a fart]
[cutaway to classical period]
Peter: Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me. It was God!

[later in Mayor West's office]
Mayor West: All right, Mrs. Griffin, you wanna take me on? Fine, but if you plan to beat me, you'll have to... [gasps]
Lois: What is it?
Mayor West: A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move. [Bee flies in and lands on the mayor's chair]
Bee: Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business: free honey for everyone! Yay, Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Ow! Oh, done stung myself. Bye, world.

Brian: Hey! Hey, Lois! Lois! There's a another dog in that car! [jumping] Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! There's an other dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey! Other dog! Fuck you!

Lois: But what about the terrorists? [audience gasps] That's right, terrorists. We have intelligence that suggests that... Hitler is plotting with... with the Legion of Doom... to assassinate Jesus... using the lake as a base. [leaves audience in an uproar of gasps and murmuring]
Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...
Lex Luthor: How did she discover our plan?!
Solomon Grundy: Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.

Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.

Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Chris: [rings the doorbell] Hi, I'm going door to door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
[Lois standing in the doorway of their house]
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah, then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please.

Lois: Oh you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your hard work. It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Peter: Hey Lois, take a look. I just made 500 t-shirts that say: "Vote For Lois, unless you're queer. No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

Previous Episode's Quotes /// It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes