Joe: Peter, be careful up there.
[Peter flips Joe the bird]
Peter: Is this being careful enough, Joe?

[Peter arrives home after seeing the McRib being advertised]
Peter: Lois! Lois, it's back!
Lois: I heard, Peter! I heard!
Peter: Kids, kids, it's happening! Get your coats! This is what we practiced for!
[Meg, Chris, and Stewie come downstairs cheering with Brian barking excitedly]
Meg: I love you, Dad!
Peter: I love you, too, sweetheart! None of the past matters!

Joe: Twenty years on the force and no one's ever clapped for me, except for that one sarcastic gay guy.
Homosexual: [Sarcastic clapping] Great observation.
Joe: I know you mean the opposite of what you're saying.

Humpty Dumpty: My God, it's a miracle! You were able to put me back together again.
Doctor: Yeah, it was actually a pretty simple procedure. Maybe next time, go straight to a medical professional and skip the horses and illiterate servants.
Humpty Dumpty: Well, that is the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.

Peter: Hey, buddy, how you doing? You ok? Everything ok? I'm talking like this because I'm being very careful not to upset you, and for some reason, this is the voice people use to do that.

Lois: [Wearing Peter's pants] Oh, thank you, Jazzercise.

Joe: [After two failed suicide attempts] I stink at this.

Quagmire: [Grabbing onto Joe's leg] You know, this is actually the first time I've ever touched Joe.

Peter: I love Niagara Falls.
Cleveland: I was the only black man ever to go there. The tourists were taking pictures of me. One of them thought I was a bear.